Stupid Love

38

"Some people want money, some people want power, some want freedom. I'm thankful for what I have, I have the girl of my dreams and my best friend lives with me. They get along, they make me feel like I have my family again, I see them all the time still, I took a promotion to see them for another month. I have everyone." I pause my writing. I look up and I see them. I look back down to my journal and continue writing. "I have almost everyone. There's a reason, a reason why some people are never the same when they see their loved ones be buried. My family, they have no idea I've seen two people give up in life. Everyone can morn differently, I don't talk about it. Both nights, the first one, it felt different. I walked to the bathroom that night, It was a good night. I was up too late on a school night playing video games, I just talked to my friend for an hour on the phone. my father was at work, all I can hear from that night is my mom coming downstairs and crying into my arms. "Shawn killed himself." Those words echo everyday, every single time I get happy, everytime I have something good happen, I remember it can all vanish.

My happiness vanished years ago, even with Ruby, I remembered those harsh words after every facetime, everytime she'd make me happy, It always gets worse with every fight. Everytime I argue with someone, those words come back. They scream at me, they won't leave me alone until I see them, until I see that they're safe. It's ruined relationships, it's ruined friendships, all because I never even got to say goodbye to him." I write, looking up to see, his lifeless eyes. "I'm sorry Corbin." runs from his black mouth, I can't help but think of the last time I got to say I love you.

I look back to my journal and begin writing again. "I caused Maddi's, even if she wrote that I didn't. I believed I could've made things right that night. I even wrote down what I wanted to say, it was along the lines of. "Maddi, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I assumed, I'm sorry for being upset. I should've talked to you like an adult and I've learned that now. I hope you can forgive me." She knew I loved her like a sister, I was always going to be there for her. We never had the romantic connection like other people had, never slept together, we made sure of that. That was until I went through her stuff after her passing. I found almost 2 years worth of love letters she wrote to me. One for everyday, I was. I am oblivious. I never knew she loved me like that, I always wanted her to find the love of her life because never for a second have I ever considered myself to be someone's future, love of their life. I never have been, and never will be, not with this in my life. Maybe things with Ruby will be like with you Maddi. I know you're looking out for me," I stop writing. I slam my pencil down in anger and sit back. "How can you be so fucking stupid Corbin?!" I yelled to myself. "You fucking ruin everything!" I continue. I look up and see her lifeless face now, but unlike before, I can see her green eyes again. They were always so pretty.

"I should've said something Corbin," She whispers. "Me too." I whisper back. "I will always love you Corbin. I hope Ruby is the one I could've been for you." The voice doesn't echo, I don't feel pain, I finally feel a sense of relief for just a second. I look up, "I hope so too, I'm going to love her like I should've loved you." I whisper, the instant regret kicks in as she begins to scream. This wasn't her scream though, I knew it was something else. It felt demonic, a darker scream than the two others. I look to see the beautiful emerald green eyes disappear as blood red eyes light up my face. "Both of you will live with me forever," I say. Going back to writing, " Ever since I met Mia, ever since I've came back from Seattle, ever since everything that has happened. Piece by piece I lose myself. Ruby, if you ever see this, I'm sorry you got this version of me, but just know this version of me will die when you leave, and eventually you will. I hope it doesn't come to it, I hope we fall in love everyday with each other."

"I wish I could be better, I'm scared shitless in what you're not telling me. I never got to apologize to Maddi, so whenever you are upset, whenever we fight and you leave. I have this to remember. I remember the cops coming to our place, I remember going to the scene. The brisk cold breeze hit my face as I helped EMTs identify what was left of my best friend. Her body, in pieces across a green fresh cut of grass and a dark brown tree. Looking through her phone to get her friends contacts, calling 23 different people in one night,  telling them their friend wasn't coming home. Telling her parents that their daughter is gone. Not going home that night with the person who I've been close since I've shown up. I sat in the living room for two days only getting up to get a drink or use the bathroom, hoping maybe it was just a bad dream, the bad dreams only start afterwards. I don't want a lot of things in life, I would love to call you mine for the rest of time but the truth is, I don't ever want to go through that pain with you.  You're gonna hate me, you're gonna say I need to trust you, you're gonna feel like i'm holding you captive. You're the glue that has been keeping me from running in front of a train at work, from driving off the deep end. I love you Ruby."

I stop writing, I crumble up the piece of paper and get up. I walk upstairs, stopped by my buddy, I hide the paper in my shorts as we begin to talk for a little bit. He tells me about his day, everything seemed normal until I noticed, you in the corner.

Maddi, her shadow seemed bigger this time. Standing off in the corner, watching, listening. I try my best to keep focused, he asks me about Ruby. I can hear Maddi screaming my name in my head as I speak, I explain that Ruby is good and that I'm excited to see her again. I feel an arm reach around and pull me. I spin around and see Ruby, i was so delighted, but apart of me wanted her to not see me like this, I was mere moments away from breaking down. My head ringing as she tells me she missed me, that she loves me. I say it back, with a smile that could fool anyone else but me. I can't hear her at all, all I can hear is screaming, the howls of a ghost, the cries of my mother, and the ones I've lost asking me "Why didn't you do anything" I kiss Ruby on the lips and tell her to meet in my room for some fun. She runs off, my buddy goes to his room and finally, I stand alone, again. I look into the corner where I saw Maddi, now it's not just Maddi, it's Shawn. There's also two more shadow people, i've never seen them before. Confused I walked upstairs and outside. I grab a lighter and light the note, I opened the grill and set it in. I watched it burn away into nothing but dust.

Note: Thank you guys for reading this, but it's going to get darker from here. I know it's repetitive hearing the same things I'm going through but with each chapter I'm trying my best to explain it but i can only go so far I'm trying to keep it modest. There are people who love you. 1-800-273-8255 is the suicide hotline, if you ever want to talk to someone, writing about it helps too. you don't have to be a good writer (take me for example)