Caught in Storms

Healing and Learning

-Emma-
No one in the team let's me into the cell block for a few months. Bucky and Sam insist that that I see Dr. Raynor again before I do, and everyone else seems to agree that I should.
Sam releases the video footage of my rampage through the Hydra safe house and it gets leaked to the internet somehow. Hill says that it is a good thing though, despite the costume.
There is positive feedback from the public on the video. The public seemingly thinks that the "No-nonsense" approach to me saving a teammate will get the point across to all of our enemies that the Avengers are not fucking around. Hydra has not released a peep since the mission and it is beginning to worry us some.
A few of the team members think that Bucky and I should make some sort of public appearance as White Wolf and WarMaiden to sort of bring some information to people about Hydra and the Gunrunners. This could be dangerous though if they know too much, people could get seriously hurt.
In the meantime we are reaching out more to the public here and there and helping out as much as we can. In order to stay close to home, Sam, Bucky, and I start working with local police on some issues that they have had, while the rest of the team takes some more missions out to potential bases and weapons distributors.
Bucky gets therapy appointments set up for me with his therapist, which is a good thing I guess.
The first few sessions are cursory and annoying and go over what I do remember of being a kid. I hate going through all that. Now it's just more about progression and getting better about how we handle things together and individually.
Dr. Raynor has a no-bullshit approach to therapy that I actually like and she lets me pretty much vent in any way that I need to, then we discuss what I vented. She has me do some exercises with Sam and Bucky together, then some with each of them separately. In the meantime, Bucky and I and everyone else are enjoying James growing up and having some missions here and there. He is up to babbling now and everyone dies from how damn cute it is.
Bucky and I also try to concentrate on wedding planning, hoping that we will get to be married during the summer. We have all the guests and invitations figured out, and Bucky requested to have traditional Romanian food for the reception. I asked if we could have the ceremony and reception at Alpine and I thought Bucky was going to do backflips at that.
Ever since we rescued him, if there's the slightest mention of Alpine, Bucky is grinning from ear to ear. I get the feeling that he is planning something but I can't quite put my finger on it. It makes me nervous honestly.
My next session with Bucky and Dr. Raynor, she approaches me about more of my personality and the things that I like to do. I am playing on the floor with James as I am talking to her.
"I love music and reading, I draw some. Movies are great too, I always love watching a new movie just to see what it's about. I missed out on a lot growing up, so I wanna take in so much with music and reading and stuff," I say and tickle James.
"What kind of things do you like to draw? Drawing can be very therapeutic," Raynor says. Bucky smiles proudly and pulls out his phone. I see him push a few things then hands it over to her, I assume pictures I've drawn.
"Oh Emma these are great, there's some really great pictures, almost like you shot them with a camera in candid," she says.
"Thank you," I blush badly and Bucky kisses my forehead as he takes his phone back.
"How often do you do that?"
"More now than I have in a long time. I was just doodling one day while Bucky was working and I realized I was drawing him. And it kind of picked up from there, I started drawing the whole team in different ways, and James of course," I smile as James rolls on the floor. Raynor smiles softly as she watches him.
"And how are you doing with him?"
"Better, we have officially stopped having him sleep in his bassinet in our room. Bucky insisted that he needs to start learning how to self soothe and we have the monitor just in case. I don't feel like I always have to have him in my sight for him to be safe."
"That's really great progress Emma, and I'm really glad that Barnes has been able to work through that with you. I remember how stubborn he used to be and I'm sure we would have had an argument about that same thing back in the day."
Bucky chuckles softly and nods as I look up at him.
"And how are you feeling about attempting to speak with Rafferty?"
My chest starts to ache at the thought, but I swallow the lump in my throat.
"I think it's going to be hard, and a lot of emotions to deal with in the moment...but I think I'm ready. I need answers on what happened to me and what Hydra was planning to do with us. It's not that I want to drudge anything up, but I feel like there are these...holes in my memory or my life. Is that crazy," I ask anxiously.
"It's not crazy at all, but I understand what you are getting at. It's a difficult thing to grasp, especially with how little about your childhood that you understand. However, with Barnes as a witness, I think you reserve the right to request to speak with Rafferty. WITH support of course. I think having Barnes, Sam, and at least Hope for a female figure should be present there. You decide on one of them to have in the room with you, while the other two observe the interaction. To be honest with you, I think having Sam in the interrogation room would be best."
"Why's that," Bucky asks curiously.
"A familial presence for Emma, and I think that putting her brother figure in front of a man that is not expecting it might release some more information from him. He won't fully know how to handle the situation and may speak more to truth in that regard. He may slip up something as he is speaking to or about Emma if he's a little flustered. Besides, Rafferty knows you too well because of his connection to Hydra, it will be easier for him to push your buttons, Barnes."
I look up at Bucky and he is nodding thoughtfully, looking down at James with a soft smile. Bucky is twirling his vibranium fingers through my hair as he is lost in thought.
"This is going to get a little personal but how about you two? How has the intimacy been since the rescue," Raynor asks, her head cocked to the side.
Bucky looks up at her confused for a moment, looking uncomfortable and he chuckles uncomfortably.
"Wow we've never talked about that in particular here before, Raynor."
"Well this is a different situation than you being by yourself and not finding intimacy. You have Emma in your life and you now have to express something more to your relationship."
I pick up James and hold him as I sit back up on the couch with Bucky, and the same awkward feeling is there that there has been since the afternoon after we got home from getting James.
"That early morning was the last time that we've had sex, and every time we've tried, it doesn't go anywhere, it just sort of ends with either Bucky or I losing the mood. We have been trying to relax and just find one another in that way again, but we aren't sure what more to do to get going," I say and wipe my eyes, feeling my eyes watering up quickly as I speak. James pats my face softly with his chubby little hand and I kiss it softly to reassure him mommy is okay.
"Have you lost any love or feelings for one another?"
"No not at all," Bucky and I say in unison, making each other giggle at ourselves. Raynor smiles and nods.
"So that's not the issue, which is good. How about stressors? What sort of things do you have going on besides the Hydra/Gunrunner missions?"
"Well there's James but honestly he's been fairly easy, hardly cries really which I have to ask Pepper what she did to cause that. There's the wedding plans we've been working on together, and dealing with Rafferty causing racket in the cell block. And of course both of us trying to work out our own feelings about the way everything hit us," Bucky says and rubs the side of his face, looking like he's getting upset. I take his hand gently, rubbing my thumb along the vibranium plates.
Raynor nods as she listens and thinks, taking notes here and there, "I have a small exercise that I would like you guys to try. The next time that you two have some true time alone, I want you to take turns telling each other one thing at a time that you appreciate or admire about the other. Sit facing one another in a dimly lit room and just focus on one another as you talk, and each time someone says something, you scoot just a tad closer. It may not happen right away, but I want you guys to practice this with one another to help build up to intimacy. Think you can do that?"
Bucky and I look at each other and smile, then nod back to Raynor.
"Perfect. Well our time is up for today, same time next week?"
"Absolutely," Bucky smiles and shakes her hand and I do the same. As we are leaving, I remember something and I go back over to Raynor.
"I almost forgot," I say and hand her an invitation to the wedding. "I hope you come, thank you for helping our family."
Raynor smiles and we leave her office, feeling another bit of weight come off of our little family's shoulders.
The ride home is quiet but not uncomfortably so, Bucky places his hand on my thigh the whole way home, something he hadn't done for awhile, and I welcome it.
My mind races badly as we go home, hoping very much that Bucky is not having second thoughts about me in some way. I chew on the inside of my lip as we sit there in silence. When we get back to the compound, a few of the teammates are in the workroom going over a few more little details of a strike on another Hydra base. This is a small one so there are a few of us not going on it, it will mainly Thor, Sam, Clint, and Yelena going on this one only. This might give Bucky and I the perfect chance to do that exercise.
I lay James down for his nap after feeding him, grab the monitor screen and head back downstairs. I see Bucky and Clint talking outside, lost in conversation. Bucky and he have gotten really close recently, I think being able to talk about kids and such. I go into the kitchen to find something to snack on when Scott and Hope walk in from getting groceries.
"Hey guys, need a hand?"
"Nope we got everything, well..Scott got everything," Hope says as Scott walks in with bags hanging from his arms, looking like he is doing the classic get-everything-inside-in-one-trip move. I giggle softly and start to help putting things away as we talk.
"How was your therapy session Emma," he asks.
"It was good. She thinks I'm ready to face Rafferty, but that I should have Sam in the room with me, and Hope and Bucky observing in case I need them."
"That's a good idea, we can address that with the team," Hope smiles. "And things with Bucky?"
"I'm not sure, still feeling a little weird I guess. Raynor gave us an exercise to try the next time we are alone, so time will tell," I say softly and look back over at Bucky still outside. He is in deep conversation with Clint about something, but it doesn't look too intense. I feel tears welling up for some reason and my head starts to pound a little.
"Well I'm sure everything will come together the way it needs to. Bucky is crazy about you, Emma," Hope says with a warm smile.
"Thank you Hope, I think I'm going to go for a walk, clear my head. Do you mind keeping an ear out for James," I ask and hug her softly.
"Sure no problem honey."
She looks at me a little sadly but let's me go. I set the monitor on the table and find Bucky's really big warm hoodie, zipping it almost all the way up popping in my headphones and I head out the back door.
I wander the perimeter of the grass area of the compound, starting to drift a little into the woods. I turn the music low enough so my headache doesn't get worse and I find a really comfortable patch of grass to sit. I pull my hood up and decide to lay back with my arms behind my head, just relaxing and enjoying the very last bit of cold breeze we will have before the heat gets to us.
I find myself humming along with some classic rock and I end up drifting to sleep. For once my brain does not feel like it is going a million miles a minute, therapy must be working. I don't even realize I fell asleep until I wake up some time later to Bucky rubbing my cheek gently.
"Hey doll, you okay?"
"Yeah, I just got comfortable and fell asleep," I smile softly and sit up stretching. The sun is a little lower in the sky now and I must have dozed for about 30-45 minutes. Bucky sits next to me and takes my hand.
"Can we talk Emma?"
My heart flips anxiously and those fears come back about him being done with me in some way. I chew on my lip and listen as he starts to talk.
"I want to apologize for everything that's been going on between us. I miss you very much Emma, and I miss our time together."
Oh, this is unexpected, but not unwelcome. I squeeze Bucky's hand back and we end up placing our foreheads together.
"I'm sorry too Buck. I want to fix things with us, I miss you more than anything and I feel terrible that we haven't had our time together either."
"I still want to marry you, I have so many plans in store for our family," Bucky says smiling warmly. The anxiety is leaving me as I realize Bucky's words.
"I love you so much Bucky Barnes."
"I love you Emma Barnes."
"Do you want to talk about the disassociation," I ask him. He rubs the back of his head and sighs softly.
"It was really nice, a dream that changes often honestly. A house at Alpine, our family in our own home, and Steve was there this time. He was trying to get me to get my ass up," he chuckles softly.
"We will have that some day, Buck," I say and kiss his cheek softly. He smiles and helps me up off the grass.
"I sure hope so because I have some plans for that property," Bucky smiles and kisses me deeply.
We head back inside and Hope is walking around with James, talking to him as he babbles, like they are having a full conversation. I smile and take a video as she paces the living room with him in her arms.
"That kid has no idea yet the family he has," Bucky says watching, smiling happily.
"He will soon, I hope he feels loved and wanted, I wish I could tell what he's feeling."
"I wish Steve were here, he would have loved to see this," Bucky says quietly and squeezes my hand tight. I squeeze his hand back and hug his arm as we walk in the rest of the way.
"Oh hey guys! I hope you don't mind, I wanted to spend some time with him," Hope smiles.
"Oh of course it's alright Hope," I giggle and hug her. James squeals happily and gives us slobbery kisses. Hope laughs and hands him to me and rubs his head.
"You know if you guys need to spend some time together, Scott and I would be happy to take him for you," she smiles. Bucky looks down at me and smiles.
"That's not a bad idea, what do you say Emma?"
"That would be great Hope, thank you! I'll hand him over after dinner!"
"Oh yay baby time," she giggles and runs off to tell Scott. We all get situated at the table to eat and we hang out for awhile before we go our separate ways for the night. I give Hope everything she will need for James for the night and she takes him happily.
"I hope you guys are able to relax together tonight," she says as I get a few bottles of pumped milk out for James.
"I hope so too, even if we don't do anything tonight, I think the exercise practice will help. Thank you again for taking James."
"Anytime! Now scoot and go relax with Bucky," she says and disappears into hers and Scott's suite.
I go back to the room and I hear music playing, but it's none of Bucky's stuff, making me feel confused.
I open the door to the suite and Bucky is sitting on the sofa with my phone, going through my music and watching the music videos that go with them.
"What you doin' Buck?"
"I'm looking for music for the wedding," he smiles.
"Really?"
"Yeah I'm finding some stuff that I really liked and am writing them down. I hope that's okay," he says holding up a little red notebook with a list started of music.
"That's a great thing, I'm really glad you're expanding your library, Buck. Can I see the list so far," I smile and sit with him. Bucky smiles and hands me the notebook and blushes as I read over what he has: