Changes

Chapter Thirteen

Luz

I was sitting at the table in front of my mom tapping my foot anxiously. The room had fallen into silence and I couldn't find the will to break it myself. We'd been talking about soccer and school because she'd wanted to check in on me. She told me how I had been acting unlike myself for some time now and I knew she was worried. Her next words only acted to prove that to be true. 

"I know times are hard right now and I wish I could be there for you more in the way that I used to." She whispered placing a comforting hand on one of my own and my anxious and incessant tapping paused for a brief moment as I prepared myself for what she was going to say next.

"But, you should never be afraid to be who you are. Don't forget that." She looked off to the side seemingly in guilt. "I know I haven't been the most supportive of your creativity. I was a lot like you when I was younger and I had a hard time growing up because of it. I didn't want you to go through that too." She sighed before she went on. "But I know better now." I watched as her free hand lifted to push her glasses back up her face.

"I'm glad that you have friends you can be more yourself around. I love you no matter what and I want you to know that being yourself, and remembering the past that made you who you are today, should never be something you look back on negatively." She took her hands back and placed them on top of the table and she gave me a warm gaze. "Change can be good if you let it. I'm not telling you to forget who you are. Because you are strong and you'd do anything to protect what matters to you most. You should always protect that part of yourself, Luz." For a moment we fell into silence as I let her words sink in.

"But you should allow yourself to be open for change as well. Because change and the many forms that it comes in, good and bad, can present to you all of life's greatest opportunities." Her smile lit a small spark within me. It wasn't noticeable, but subconsciously, it had been the start of something. Something I didn't have the name for then but would come to know over time. "You just have to allow yourself to see those opportunities." She told me.

"I don't want to be capable of change," I admitted softly while looking down and fidgeting with my hands. Flashes of the past and of my father come to my mind. This only caused me to sink further into my chair and fall deeper into my thoughts. They clouded my better judgment at this moment. My mother was just trying to look out for me and my only response was to run or hide to avoid being faced with any of it.

"But you are and you should let it in." My mother whispered looking at me in worry.

"I can't. I won't. I'm not ready." I responded feeling anxious. Panic started to grow from the pit of my stomach until my mother rushed to reassure me.

"You don't have to unless you are ready." She stated gently. "Take your time Luz. I'll be here for you every step of the way." She explained and I felt my shoulders fall as I grew less tense. Time, yes, I could take my time with this. It's what I needed to do.

"Thanks, mom. I really needed to hear that." I told her honestly as I felt my lips quirk upwards, my mood brightening, and any negative emotion I'd been feeling lifted from my shoulders.

"And I'm glad I could say it. Have a good day at school okay?" She told me before standing up and sliding her chair into its place.

"Actually mom," I stopped her and she turned back to me, "would you want to drive me there?" I asked her and her confusion shifted to surprise.

"Sure, just let me get my stuff." She exclaimed happily before grabbing her keys. And on the way to school, I felt fourteen all over again as my mom and I screamed the lyrics to the songs on the radio. This was a part of myself I wanted to keep. I never want to lose this moment, this feeling, to change.