Banana's Blog and Journal

Almost There

2 February 2023

Heyy!! I'm back again

Sorry i haven't writing anything in this blog, do you miss me? Or not? I know I'm only gone for more than a week, last time i write on this blog was 25 January.

Today is the last day of my apprentice program, which is next day. The Apprentice program is done. I'm no longer go to the office again, but unfortunately, we have to go to College next Monday, so. No day off just like previous semester.

Luckily, i've been writing some stuff during the program, even i finished the 5th episode of Starla N Co, i don't remember when i finished it, in office or in my home after those tiring day on office.

I'll admit, most of the time i spent my majority of my time in office just watching YouTube video, you know. To know what's up with the terrible postmodern world we living today, but listening to video while writing is my favorite activity to do, it's just kinda my way to go to passing the time.

Also, i wanted to give a try to making YouTube video, but the only issue is i have to double my job for writing the script and writing story for my original project. Oh wait, it would give more job for that, i have to research and editing, now it's quadruple the jobs, and i'm still a college student, not a unemployed dude. Which mean i have to spent my time for a sake of completing my college.

Even thought i have a free time just like any other human being, i'm still using those free time for doing something to fulfilled with temporary desire instead of productive stuff to make myself better.

I might be forget about what i've learned after the apprentice program, to me. I need learned how to improve myself for the better future, i mean. There's already people has done something great and productive in my ages or younger which they can already living in financially better.

I'm still doing unproductive stuff (Duh) and haven't make any progress yet, until now. No one has read my story yet, well. Unless my friend, but unfortunately, most of them didn't even give me any feedback to improve and grow my work, which is i find it sad.

I'm still swimming over unhealthy coping mechanism just to forget what happened with my 12 years terrible school years and my lose after gambling my emotional investment over skater girl from one of those Disney XD cartoon, and i still can't forget what have they done to me.

I know it's my fault for risky emotional investment part, but the school years is something i can't avoid or even escaped, everytime i graduated from one place to another, i expecting people to be nicer to me, but oh boy. I was wrong, but now, no one bullied my poor soul.

Since i stepped on the world of college, i haven't encountering any bully in my college life, it seems my mom was right in this one, the college student doesn't care and what they care is themselves.

If you bullied in your college years, i'm so sorry to heard that.

Bullying and emotional investment is the reason why i'm on my dark time, i'm aware that i cope with very addicting and unhealthy but still doing it because i feel like no one gonna helping me or giving me a good advice or such to improve myself.

I'm a loner since my school times, so. It kinda very hard to getting friends, i might be have an internet friends, but it's only few of them and i don't know if i can trust anyone on internet, they could be planning something malicious to me if i make a wrong friends, i know that even the worst part of the life is being betrayed by your own best friend.

I'm floating in the sea of uncertainty, but still keep rowing for search of the island i could rest my body and wishing all of the horrible stuff happened to me gone like that.

And still rowing, expecting miracle to happened.

What a stupid human being i'am

I'm aware that it was our responsibility to fix our own problem and making ourselves become a better person, but i feel like i have been doing something wrong or just thinking, well. It's not worth it, it is what it is, whatever happen, happened to me.

It's just really hard for myself to keep consistent to any stuff that i want to learn and wanted to make a other habit to defeat the bad habits, but i keep failing to making sure the consistency stay afloat, as i missed one or two new activity few times and eventually left those new activity as a husk.

Changing is hard to me, i don't know what to do anymore. But still get hooked over stuff i didn't find productive.