out of the grey [N. Sebastian]

when i leave

[<3]

it's been about a week since the incident occurred. I haven't left the house and neither have the boys, I feel like I'm being constantly watched by them as if I'd break any given second. they also don't let me answer the door, not that I want to at the moment.

a lot of movies have been watched, as well as games played. Noah has taken a break from streaming for a bit as well. I feel as if it's my fault the boys feel like they can't leave or can't really do their own things without me being included. I took a break from social media after the second night. my phone was blowing up with nasty DMs from people. I'd only text or call someone if needed.

I had been thinking about visiting my mom for a while as I haven't spoken to her in a few days nor have I seen her in over 3 years. Everything that happened helped aid in my decision to visit my mom, for her and my health. I don't want my phone on me, I want it to be just me and my mom. she always knew what to do when I was upset, always helped me before she helped herself. she lives in Colorado, 15 hours away from here.

I sit on the couch between Noah and Orie picking at my nails, debating on how to tell them that I'll be leaving for a while. simple and sweet or just rip the band-aid off?

ripping the band-aid off it is. I swiftly grab the remote and pause the movie, the boys all look at me confused but I just stare at my lap.

"I'm leaving in 2 days."

silence.

then, "what do you mean?" it's Noah.

"I'm going to Denver to visit my mom for a while. I think it'll be what's best for me. I - um," I take a deep breath. "I don't know for how long. I'm not okay guys, I love you all and I'm extremely grateful that you have allowed me to live in your home for nearly a year now and everything you've ever done, but I need to leave. I'm getting to myself more than anyone is, my own demons are coming to haunt me. I need a break from everything." my eyes start to water.

more silence.

"I don't plan on having my phone on me, unless emergencies, but I'll give every single one of you my moms number so you can call. Please don't think I'm saying goodbye, I promise I'm not. I just need time to myself, and believe me, you guys are the best fucking people I could've ever met and lived with. I'll be back, I'm not leaving forever, but it's something I need to do and I don't want you to be angry or upset over this decision."

"Evie, I'm proud of you, you know that? You are literally one of the strongest people I know! Of course I'll miss you but you're my best friend, I'll support you through anything. everyone here supports you." Jolly is the first to speak.

"he's right, we will miss you like hell, but we can't keep you from helping yourself and bettering yourself. we only want to watch you succeed and if this is what you need to do in order to reach your goal self, then i support you 100% of the way." it's mike who speaks next.

"It means a lot to have this much support. to be honest it wasn't an easy decision, but I'm glad I made it. you guys could never get rid of me, I'll be back to annoy y'all before you know it." I give them a small smile.

everyone else shared words of encouragement, except for Noah. he's the one I was more worried about telling, I knew he'd want to talk about it alone though.

"here's the remote, I'm gonna go talk with Noah." They boys nodded before I grabbed Noah's hand and went to his room.

we sit on the bed, "penny for your thoughts?" I ask.

"is it selfish of me to say that I don't want you to leave? I love you so much that I don't want to lose you, I know this will be for the best and trust me, that's all I want for you but I'm scared. I'm scared of what could happen after this, between us. baby, I can't lose you."

I let out a sad sigh, "baby, listen, you aren't losing me nor will you ever. I'm just taking some time to myself and spending it with my mom. You'll have her number if you need to call, I just want time alone, I need to clear my head and be able to think straight once again and get rid of all the bad thoughts that currently have a grip on me. It's not forever,"

"but what if it is? what if I never see you again? what if you decide to never come back and choose to live a different life without the boys, your friends, without me?"

sighing, I grab his hands with mine.

"I can't promise when to come back, but I can promise that it won't be forever. I need a break, baby. I'm not walking out of our relationship, I will never walk away from you like that. I've gotten  to be to much for myself and I'm doing the safest and best thing I can think of. you'll always have me, always, okay? I just need a break from myself and everything else. I'm not okay, but I will be soon. we just have to wait it out."

"you know I'll always wait for you, no matter how long or short of a time it takes you, I will wait for you when you're ready to come back. Just please promise me that you will be safe, I will call and I know you won't want me to do it often, but I will make effort to call. you're everything to me and I'm so fucking scared to let you leave like this but I know you will be okay. all I ask is for you to be safe, I love you so much. I'm scared but I support you."

"I know baby, I know, but it will be okay. I love you so much."

——

two days quickly came and went, the boys and my friends are currently with me heading to the airport, all wanting to wish me luck and goodbyes at the airport.

I hug the Jolly, Jesse, Orie and Nike first before hugging Jules, Amelia and Will.

Jules and Amelia had tears in their eyes, Will just laughed at them.

we said our goodbyes and I told the boys they better be good for Noah while I'm gone.

Noah walks me to my gate, nothing is said at first but when we make it I'm pulled into a long bear hug. it's only then that I start to feel tears cloud my eyes.

"I'm going to miss you so much." he whispers still holding onto me.

"I'll miss you even more baby, I'll be back before you know it." I pull back and hold his face in my hands, "I love you so much, okay? I promise to be back as soon as I'm better."

he wasn't crying but his eyes watered. I give him a sad smile and kiss him on the lips.

"I love you too, be safe and I'll see you soon. let me know when you land at least."

I pull him in for another kiss, this one longer and filled with all my love.

"I will. I'll see you later baby." my thumb sweeps under his eye, wiping a tear away.

"I know. I love you."

"I love you too."

and then we part ways, he watches as I board my plane. I wave to him and he does the same until I can no longer see him.

the ride to Denver is full of sadness but relief all at the same time. sad that I left everyone behind, but relieved I'll be better once I go back and that I get to see my mom. It's a short ride, only 2 and a half hours.

texting Noah that I landed, I soon find myself in my mothers arms crying tears of sadness and happiness. the steps to healing has finally began.