out of the grey [N. Sebastian]

after i left

[<3]

my day to day routine has been the same for the last few months that I've been in Denver. I wake up, shower most days, eat breakfast with my mom, watch tv while my mom goes to work, clean the house, and eat dinner with my mom and then go to bed.

it's a fairly simple routine, but it was difficult to get started when I first started staying with my mom. there were times where i wouldn't get any sleep at all nor could I eat much, my thoughts becoming too much at night. I gave my mom my phone when I got here so i'd have zero temptations to see what anyone has said.

my mom took me to her therapist a few weeks after my arrival and now I'm on antidepressants. the cleaning I've always done to ease my mind, all I could think about was cleaning dishes or the bathroom. everything had to be spotless.

I haven't spoken to anyone besides my mom in 2 months, I'm thankful Noah doesn't call often, as much as I love him and as much as I would love to talk, it's not something I can do at the moment constantly and he understands it. it honestly probably seems stupid to people, but sometimes even the people you love can become too much and suddenly you're overstimulated.

moms currently at work and courage the cowardly dog is playing. I'm not watching it, just staring at the screen, my mind being too much to actually listen to something else.

the shrill of the house phone sounds through the house, I get up and walk towards it.

"hello?" I answer timidly.

"hey baby."

Noah.

"hey." I let out a relieved sigh. I walk back to the couch and sit down.

"how are you? I miss you so much!" his voice is calm.

"I'm getting better, mom took me to the therapist a couple weeks back and now I'm taking antidepressants. I miss you too baby. how's everyone else? what have y'all been up to?"

"that's good, I'm proud of you baby! everyone is doing good, they all told me to tell you that they miss you and as for the other question we are still working on music, we are actually going on tour with ice nine kills soon!"

"baby that's incredible! I'm so proud of you, that's great! I miss everyone too. I'll see you all soon."

"I know it's just you've been gone for 3 months now and I'm still not used to it. I just want to hold you in my arms forever and never let go. I love you so much!" his voice soothes me even though I'm trying to fight back tears.

"I know baby, I know. it's hard but we will get through it and I'll be back in your arms soon. I love you too baby."

"okay well I gotta get back, we're recording and I was thinking about you much more today, so I had to call. I love you so much baby."

I let out a soft sigh, "I love you too baby, good luck!"

"bye baby."

"bye."

and the call ends and tears stream down my face.

I miss him more than I could ever describe but I'm not ready to go back.

I walk through the kitchen and out the green screen door onto the porch. the weather is warm as it's mid spring closing in on summer. a light breeze blows my hair in my face.

the one thing that I love about my moms house is that she basically lives in a cabin on the lake. it's so beautiful that I wish I could take pictures with my eyes.

the memories of my childhood flood my mind, I watch 7 year old me jump into the water, screaming and laughing. I see myself swing on the tire swing my uncle made.

she was so careless and so free then, but now she's broken in pieces that she's struggling to pick up and repair.

——

I'm sitting on the dock when I hear a car approaching. My moms white Honda pulls into the gravel driveway.

"Maeve, I brought food! come eat!"

I get up from my spot staring at the water a little longer before heading up the tiny hill to the house.

"how are you feeling today?" she asks eating the tacos she brought home.

"I've been okay, Noah called which was nice. I've really just been out of it all day, just in my head." I've barely eaten my food and just move the rice around.

"have you taken you medicine?"

"yeah, I take my next pill at 7." sighing I decide to just put my food in the fridge for when I'm hungry.

"baby, I'm worried about you. are you sure you're okay?" she asks watching me with concern filled eyes.

"yes momma, I promise I'll be fine. I'm just tired today, I think I'm gonna head to bed early tonight. it's only a few minutes before 7 so I'll take my medicine and then go to bed." I give her a kiss on the forehead before heading to my room.

i close my door before taking my medication. instead of getting in bed like I said, I sit at my window and watch the moon in the sky. the only light that lights the dark of my room. the only sound from outside are the crickets chirping.

usually always annoying but tonight, calming.

I sit here for hours just watching the moon grow higher and higher in the dark, cold night sky. I watch the ripples of the water and I watch the sky begin to change to different hue of blue.

a knocks startles me, "come in."

"hey I'm heading to wor - have you been sitting there all night?" she asks, voice laced with concern.

"no, I woke up an hour ago." I quickly lie.

she nods her head timidly as if she doesn't believe me, "okay well I have to head into work early today, I left some breakfast in the microwave for you. I love you." she kisses my forehead before heading out.

I don't move from my spot until I hear the roar of the engine slowly disappear. the house is cold, the wood floors dig into my bare feet with it's icy feeling.

I open the microwave and take a piece of bacon before shutting it and walking to the couch to watch tv. the early morning sun slowly turns into an early nights sky.

——

my mom doesn't know that I know that she keeps in touch with Noah. I overheard a call one night when she thought I was sleeping.

"I'm worried about her Noah," I hear her sigh. I'm assuming running her hand through her hair like she's always done when she gets stressed. "she hasn't been eating again and she hasn't slept for the past 3 nights."

I don't hear Noah's side of the call, but I can only assume he's trying to help her calm down and voice his thoughts on the situation.

"I'm pretty sure she knows that I've noticed her not sleeping, but she doesn't say anything. I know she's taking her medication as I make her take it around me now so I can see. she just stares at the TV, the lake or the sky for hours without even moving. I'm growing concerned and I don't know what to do anymore. she already has visits with the therapist once a week."

again silence. long silence.

"I know. thank you Noah, she's just my baby. I'm always gonna worry for her," pause. "yeah, I know she's strong, I see it everyday even though she's struggling with herself at the moment. I'm so glad she has you and I'm glad you understand and are willing to do everything for her happiness. she loves you so much and I can tell that you love her just as much, maybe even more."

their conversation continues, more so the end of the conversation before she hangs up.

watching my mom worry about me absolutely breaks my heart and the fact that she calls Noah, breaks it even more.

that was the night that I decided to finally get my shit together. not just for me but as well for those who it is truly effecting. that night something clicks in my head and that something finally allows me to have a long awaited good nights sleep.