Safe With You

Feelings

 
POV JJ

A week. It's been 7 days since the funeral and I don't really know what is happening. I was given 2 weeks off and Ashley had gone back to work yesterday after a lot of debate that I would be fine 8 hours on my own. Those 7 days have been very different. The day we got back was odd and I didn't quite know what to do. Then the next few days I could barely get out of bed. The next few days after that I was normal with some mood swings and now I am just... I don't know. I feel nothing today. I can't move. Can't think. Can't bring myself to even look away from this stupid white ceiling. I don't know how long I've been lying here but I know it's been under an hour because Ash told me she would check in every hour which is a bit much if you ask me but whatever. I blink slowly rolling my head to my now buzzing phone. Guess it's been an hour. I sigh and reach clumsily for my phone knocking my book off. I see Ashley's contact asking once again how I'm doing making me want to scream but I keep that in. I do have my first therapy appointment today and then one for the FBI before I go back. I should actually get ready to see Dr. Wells, I have about 2 hours but still. First I send a thumbs up to Ash and toss my phone next to me. I know it was probably not the response she wanted but can you really blame me? I love her. I do. But hovering for a week and the constant check in's is getting annoying. It's also not helping that everyone is doing it. I really wish I could join the party down under with the fam... ok that was a bit dark but whatever.

Groaning I get up and slowly make my way to the bathroom to shower. I glance at the mirror and almost gasp at how I look. I look so dull and lifeless. So thin and frail. Not like my normal self. I look like I just crawled out of my own grave. Looking away I peel off my clothes and frown at my body. I'm skinnier. Less muscular then I should be for the FBI, I need to hit the gym. I haven't been eating very much not being able to stomach anything other then toast or water, and you can tell. I take a breath and turn on the water then step in not waiting for it to warm up. The coldness on my skin makes me feel something but I don't like what I'm feeling. Slowly I clean myself and get all the knots out of my hair. When I'm done I turn the water off and step out wrapping a towel around my body. I look at the fogged mirror seeing my cloudy reflection. Seeing the person I can't bare to look at. Seeing someone I can't reconize. How am I suppose to be getting married? How am I suppose to be happy when all my blood family I've ever know is gone? Taken from me? Who will be there for me on my side? Who will walk me down the asle? Sure I have the team but Ashley has so many people. When we were going through a rough guest list she had 2x the about I did. Her side would have to filter into mine to make it not look so pathetic. I only have the team and their plus ones. I can't even have my oldest friend because she is my fiancee's sister and bridesmaid. I should just invite everyone I put away, that would be a party. I snort at the thought and then smile a bit. Not a I'm happy for the first time in a week smile, but a devious one like I have a stupid idea that I may or may not regret plan. Drying off and getting myself ready for the day I grab my phone which has yet another check in from Ash. Damn has it really been an hour already? Shit. I tell her I'm headed to Dr. Wells then slip my phone into my pocket. Not eating anything again I slip my shoes on and grab my keys locking up before heading to my car. I have a quick stop before seeing the doc, hopfully it won't be stupid but it should be fine. If it ends up being the worst mistake of my life I have like 4 months till the wedding to sort out the mess I made.

"What do you think? Is this what you wanted?" Marie, the hairdresser asks me. I look at myself in the mirror and smirk a bit. Damn. "Ya, yes this is perfect thank you Marie." I say smiling at her. She smiles back and brushes my hair a bit. "I have to say Jennifer, the bangs look good hun. I've been doing your hair for sometime now and it's beauitful but you work this girl" she says with a little sass at the end making me laugh. "Thanks Marie. Hey maybe short hair next ya?" I say laughing making her chuckle. "That would look great on you too hun. That fiancee of yours is going to be on her knees" she says in a singsong voice making me laugh blushing a bit. "Mmm, I don't know. Our wedding is in 4 months if she hates this my hair better grow back fast" I say and she laughs. "Oh trust me hun. She will love this" she says smirking while cleaning up the hair on the floor. "Thank you again but I have to run I'm going to be late" I say kissing her cheek then placing a tip in the jar. "Jennifer you better not have but any damn money in that jar!" She calls out making me laugh, "Byeeee" I say inocently and rush out with a small smile. Marie always manages to do that. She is a sweet 38 year old who is stuck in a teens body. She is like the fun aunt I've never had. I hop into my car and look into the mirror at myself and smile. I like it. It's different but not too different. Turning on my car I pull out heading to Dr. Wells' office for my appointment.