Sincerely October

Rainy march nights

A sad/vent chapter.
TW: sa

Do I look like you?
Nothing hurts quite like seeing his features in the mirror looking back at me.
He is every example of the man I don't want to be, I have done anything and everything not to be like him.
I know I am at my core different in a way I can't explain.
He stays rotting, I push through the ground and grow towards the sun. He forces the vulnerable to contort themselves into people they never would have been, I am not capable of such.
I wasn't anything special to him. I was just the nearest girl with brown hair. I was nothing to him, and in some ways it's comforting. I wasn't chosen, I was there. This is the truth, but it still aches.
I don't care why, there is not an answer that would ease this. It is a how, it's always been a how.
Where did the love you had for me go?
I was your little sister. You did not protect me, you ripped me into bits.
How do you live with yourself?
Family isn't supposed to be that way.
I had to live through these things you did. I have to live with the mess you left behind.
I loved you so much when I was young. You were a Sunny person to me.
What type of person you must be to touch me like that.
You knew better.
Does my face look like yours? Does my blood drip like yours?

The Sunny family photo
I will not dismiss the sun that is shining on my skin today.
I feel the warmth greeting me, and words will never convey the relief I feel in my heart.
I am getting better, I know it, I believe it.
But my wounds need to feel the air before they can scar over.
Do you know how broken those nights made me feel? If I said that to him would he cry? Would he mean it if he did?
What a person he must be. I don't want to look like him, I never want to be like him. We share the same mother.
What does that mean? What does any of it mean?
You know he spread his seeds everywhere. People say the things he said without realizing it.
I know the Beatles song he sang when he was little. I know he brought home the family dog. I know all the things he did that people loved.
How does that all live in him? How does that across the universe singing child exist? Where did that go?
He's sick. I don't know how but something in him is rotting.
Normal people don't do things like that. Normal brothers don't touch like that. Normal people do not see their little sister and meet her in her bedroom like that.
This isn't what family is.
My family is my father who would do anything for me. My family is my sister and I at the beach. My family is my sister who listens. My family is my mother who called me this afternoon.
He is not my family. We cannot pretend. Family is sacred. Family does not live like that.
Maybe he was there in the photos, but I don't have to say his name when someone asks about my sisters.