Sincerely October

The moss family

Inspired by the quote "the rolling stone gathers no moss." A chapter highlighting the slow changes that have taken place within my family.

Family
I used to bite the hand of those who called me lucky, I used to despise anyone who told me about my perfect family, I ached when someone told me how lovely my home was.
If only they knew, if only they knew about those nights and about how easily the facade would drop if they stayed for long enough and looked at the right time.
If they knew what my family really was they wouldn't even dare to think such a thing.
I don't feel that way anymore.
You see maybe me and that man share a blood type and a mother, maybe our hair is the same color, but he isn't my family.
A family is bound together by the sense that you want to see this person feel the summer. A family is the people you love. What he did to me was not love.
My family is my mother who holds me close even if I haven't hugged her back in years.
My family is my father who will do anything to see me smile.
My family is my older sister who always knows what to say, even when I don't.
My family is my younger sister who is a light in the sky, like the sun, she is always there shining.
Blood is not what makes a family, the honey that holds us together is the love we share.

To my mother
There are many words I want to write to you but above all else I want you to know that I hold a deep love for you.
I know we have a distance between us, I know it's been a long while since I've hugged you back, but I care for you deeply.
I have held hate in my heart in days past, but I do not blame you for what happened, it wasn't my fault and it wasn't yours.
I know you did not choose not to see, everything that happened was out of sight to you, and I cannot blame you for that.
You know how this feels, we both know how this feels, we both know how ugly this is and I know better than to believe you aim to do anything but protect me.
I am sorry for the things I put you through. I'm sorry I blamed you for things you did not do.
I want to be like how we used to be, and I think we can grow together, because I both know we want it.

Dear father of mine
I know that my words don't mean what they used to, I know I've expressed myself through photographs and stories that were nothing more than a painting of what should have been.
I cannot pretend that I have been what I wanted to be, I cannot lie to you anymore.
Maybe this letter will go unsent, maybe I will put it in the envelope with a stamp and ribbon, but now is not the time to put this in my mailbox, not yet.
I have been tearing myself apart for some time now, I've ripped myself into pieces, and for a while I didn't really care about what I was doing.
I bruised myself without a thought of how much those aches would hurt you, I cried when the drugs wore off without wondering how it felt to watch me rot.
I was too focused on my own wounds to ever wonder what life was from your eyes.
I was so angry that my family wasn't what it should have been, I never wondered what it was like to sleep in your bedroom.
I never wondered what it was like to lose your wife, to live with an addict, and to find out things were never as they seemed.
I never wondered what it was like to have the family you've always wanted only to realize it was never the sunny one you once thought it was.
I don't know what that's like. I don't know what it's like to lose a marriage. I don't know what it's like to hear that about your son. I don't know what it's like to hear me speak and not know if the truth is being spoken.
I cannot pretend to know what it's like to be you, but I can tell you that I don't want to be an ache in your chest.
I don't want to be another person in your family who hurts you again and again.
I want to do better, I want to improve, not just because I want to feel happy but I want you to feel proud.
If I am improving for anyone but myself, it is for you.