Sincerely October

May and April

I opened up about my sexual trauma in May of 2022. I had not told anyone about my experiences until this point, I didn't think I ever would. May was an extremely dark period due to struggling with the memories of abuse and my drug addiction. This chapter is written as a conversation between myself right now (April) and my past self (May).

You are more than that
I don't think I will ever learn to live with this. It's far too painful to ever make any peace with it. I am stuck, It's too much weight for me to hold.

You can find a place to put it down. Everytime you tell your story, whether in ink or out loud you ache a little less. You will learn to live like you want to, you may not see it now but there are days ahead in which you don't think about it. There are days where you can talk about it without your voice shaking.

I'm not strong enough to make peace with this. It broke me. There's no days like that ahead of me. We both know that.

You are just in the beginning. I know you are hurting but you won't always feel like the way you feel right now. I promise you that.

This is fundamental. I am made of rotten wood. People like me don't get better. I was made wrong and I will never be right.

It's in the very nature of what happened to you to believe you have been tainted, but you are not what happened to you. You are so much more than that.

Defining factor
I think that my addiction will be what defines me. When it all comes to an end it will be because I couldn't stop. I don't want to stop.

Those thought patterns will change. At some point it will all stack up so much taller than you that you'll earnestly want to stop. And you will.

I don't think I could quit if I wanted to. Nothing feels this good. Nothing will ever feel this good, and I can't give that up.

Maybe it is true that you will never feel as elated as you did when you weren't sober, but you will also never feel as low as you did when the drugs were there. The drugs take you happiness and give it to you in fleeting moments, no moment will compare to being happy in a real way.

I am going to live how I want to live. It's not like I'm hurting anyone.

We both know you don't want to live like this. And maybe now they are not hurting but you are innocent if it would bruise them to know the truth.

But I can't be happy without the drugs. Nothing makes me happy besides them.

Be truthful with yourself, I know you're lost but see the woods you are lost in. See the woods you are lost in and know you can leave them.

You will make it to summer
I couldn't tell you why but I don't think I want to be happy. My misery is comforting in a way I can't explain.

You don't know why because there is no why. You want to be happy, you just think it's out of reach, and it isn't.

People like me are never happy. I am melancholy before I am anything else and I always will be. People like me don't get better, we stay sick and know when it's time to be quiet about it.

You know everyone wants to get better, no one truly wants to be unhappy. Why would this not be true for you?

It's not true because it hasn't happened yet, I've been trying for so long and nothing has changed.

That's what counts really, you'll find your way, you'll make it to summer.