Sincerely October

Lavender days

A miscellaneous chapter.

Man enough
And you've never measured up, you suspect you never will, there is no man enough, not with you.
You fought hard for your manhood, you've put forth so much effort to be seen as the man you know you are yet you find yourself wondering why there's something off about the way you hold yourself.
You can't explain it but people know, they see what you've been, you feel defined by the girl you once were.
You only hang out with girls because men are intimidating, they scare you, they all stand taller than you.
Something about the way you talk and live and do the things you love to do isn't what it should be.
You have an unshakable feeling that you are doing this wrong, that you are doing something you shouldn't be doing but you don't know where to start, you are breaking the rules but you don't know which ones.

Distortions
You live with endless false perceptions, your eyes lie to you, they always do.
The drugs have ceased but you are yet to come down, you are still waiting for them to wear off, for things to go back to normal, it's been months.
You can see the distortions all around you, you always do.
Sometimes it's fine but it's unsettling knowing that your eyes are never something to be trusted, that you might never see the world around you for the way it is.
Sometimes they scare you, you feel frightened of what you know is not real and that makes you feel more crazy and you hate feeling crazy.
You wonder if this pattern will continue and you will keep getting worse and worse. They never seem to get better.

Today
Today is watching the truth change and fold in on itself, watching the truth collapse like a star that has burnt out, watching it bend and mold endlessly.
Today is writing poetry at midnight, today is writing poetry after coffee, today is writing poetry that may not be good but not caring because it needs to go somewhere.
Today is rambling diary entries, today is loud and consuming thoughts that come spilling out of my mouth and hands.
Today is wondering if I measure up to the man I should be, wondering if I ever could if I wanted it bad enough.
Today is hating the crushing stereotypes and expectations because you connect with almost all of them.
Today is feeling more distance between me and the drugs than I ever thought I would, today I am wondering if I'll stop seeing them when I close my eyes. Today is relief that I am sober.
Today is feeling like the hallucinogens never wore off, today is never being able to trust my cues, today is never ending false perceptions.
Today is being happy, today is being satisfied, today is feeling full, like the missing pieces of me have been returned, like I have finally come back home.
Today is passion dripping from my fingertips.
Today is not knowing what to make of it, today is not knowing how to mend the bruised parts.