Sincerely October

Oasis - Overwhelmed

O words for dictionary poetry.

Oasis
Everything is too much, too loud, too confusing, entirely disorienting, everything overwhelms your senses.
You have felt this way your whole life, and when the grocery store gets too loud you know where to go.
You walk away from your body and retreat into your house of a mind like you always do.
You have always been able to rely on your mind to pull you away from all the noise, there you feel safe, there you know no one will cast their harsh judgements upon you.
You know if it is too much for you to live with your mind will distribute it elsewhere, that you will forget the moments too awful to remember.
When you remember something that leaves you feeling like a scared child you can almost feel
things being pulled from you and put somewhere else. You have found sanctuary.
You live life at a distance, you bear no ties to the world around you, sometimes you wish you didn't feel this way but you're too scared not to.

Obedient
After your continuous efforts failed you learned to stop fighting.
The sun sets and silence overcomes your household until you hear the dreaded footsteps coming up the stairs and into your bedroom.
You know what the night holds, you know the power you do not.
You know what position to lie in to make this easier for the both of you, you know how to stop the tears before they pour down your cheeks, at least you do now.
You lay on your back and close your eyes, you were never sleeping, he knows that, you know that, but you've learned playing dead makes this easier to live with.
You feel his hands on your skin, you feel the pain in your body and heart, but it's not you anymore, you walk away from your body and go somewhere else for a little while.
You watch as a child gets raped by someone who was supposed to love him, you watch as his heart breaks into hundreds of pieces, but it's not you, not anymore, because it couldn't be you, this is not the life you thought you had ahead of you.
Somehow the nights in which he leaves you be are equally as difficult, you lie with your eyes open and stare at the door, waiting, waiting, waiting.
He molded you into what he wanted, you were never a person to him, he stopped treating you like one a long time ago, at least.
You almost blame yourself, you wonder if you hadn't lied there that maybe things would be different, but they aren't, and you were just trying to survive.

Oblivious
You're doing something wrong, something is abnormal within your affect but what exactly you are not sure.
Maybe it's the things you say, maybe it's the way you say them, maybe it's the way you hold yourself, maybe you're not trying hard enough.
You have the sense that you are doing something you shouldn't be doing, that you are breaking a rule of sorts, but if someone asked you which one you wouldn't know what to say.
You are unaware of what you are doing wrong, you wouldn't know where to start, but you have the sense that there would be a long list of things if you knew.
Maybe the girl I once was is dripping from my fingertips, maybe what I once was still hasn't left me.
Maybe you can sense my fear, maybe you can feel my heart racing, maybe I haven't successfully swallowed my discomfort.
Maybe you would say I have an abnormal social approach, that I do not have the same set of instructions you do.

Observation
The truth contradicts itself, the truth holds many things that are all running in different directions.
You love the way you are, you love the way you talk, you love the sound of your own voice, you think you're beautiful.
You hate the way you are, you have failed before you've even begun, you should give up now because you'll never make anything of yourself. There's no point in trying.
You are authentic, you say every thought that comes into your mind, you've never had a well kept secret.
You are an actor on stage, pretending, always pretending, always answering the question with what you'd like to hear, always wearing a mask of sorts.
You love them, you love them more than anything, you want them more than you want the sun to rise tomorrow morning.
You don't care for them. You forgot they even existed. They could walk out and you'd never miss them.
You know the truth but you don't, you love it but you wish it wasn't real, it's this way but it's not.
The truth folds in on itself once again.

Obvious 
You wonder if they can see through you, if they look at you and they see you for what you were, not what you are.
Are you even trying? Sort of, maybe, but certainly not hard enough.
Does my voice sound like hers? Is it simply dripping from my fingertips? Can you tell I grew up playing on the girls team?
You constantly berate yourself, you wonder if you measure up to what a man should be, you wonder if you ever could.
You know you are a man, you've known for quite a while, somewhere deep down below the surface.
You wish the stereotypes weren't accurate, you wish you grew up in a different body, but that's no means to an end..
You see that this is counterproductive, you know that the stranger you feel the stranger you act, you know the judgements others have aren't as sharp as they seem, but you still find yourself bleeding over them.

Oddity
I love the way my hair is long and curly, I love that it's always a bit of a mess.
I love that I am a man who isn't afraid to cry, that I am a man who is better than his pride.
I love the pieces of myself that once felt unlovable, I love the child that lives in my chest and the many faces I wear.
I love how I write, I love the words I use, I love that writing remains constant even amongst the noise.
I love that what I want to be comes before what I think I should be.
I love the way I hold all my conflicting truths to be true.
I love how I want you to feel good, to feel seen and loved, to feel that you did something good.
I love the sense that I never grew up, that I'm never too old to watch cartoons.
I love my art, I love my paintings and drawings that fill my rooms and dairies.
I love the passion I hold within my chest.
As much as I berate myself for being the way I am, I do love the way I am.

Ominous
You don't know what to make of it or what to think about it.
Everything you could have believed about it you have believed about it.
It's not real, it is real, it's realer than life.
It's that, it's this, well not actually, it's this and it's that way too.
It's complex but it's simple, it's large and expansive besides when it was small and discrete.
You forgot but you didn't, but you forgot so much you forgot what you were forgetting.
It's all this way, but it's not, it's somewhere in between.
You aren't sure if it's like that. You wonder if you would ever accept it if it were.
It's all this way for sure but it's not and now the lines are blurred.
You know all there is to know but you don't even know half of it.
You want to learn to live with this, you want to accept the truth, you just don't know if you ever will know it.

Ooze
Everything is a blur, you've been sinking into the couch your whole life.
It's all confusing and hard to recall, you don't know where to start and end.
You can't remember what led you here, the dissociation leaves you endlessly disoriented.
You watch life walk past you, you watch life from the corner of your bedroom in your house of a mind, always.
You live in an endless fog, the days blend together, you aren't here today and you forgot yesterday.
You can't express the constant nature and crushing weight of your disconnection.
In a way you'd like to be here now but you don't know if you'd ever let yourself.
You aren't sure if you'll ever leave the house in your mind.

Origin
I adore my family, the mess we share and all.
I love my mother,
We haven't always connected, for some time there was a locked door between us, but we both know what it's like, we both want to love each other in our entirety and that's all we need.
I love my father,
He taught me honesty, he taught me what a man should be, he is one of the kindest people I have ever met.
I love my younger sister,
She isn't afraid to take up space, I cherish her laugh and how strange she is, she is not afraid to tell the truth, and is stronger than anyone her age should have to be.
I love my older sister,
She is temperance, she is passionate beyond belief, she will give you a harsh truth without leaving a bruise.
My family of origin has been through many moments of indenailable pain. My family of origin has many stories to tell, many of which without a happy ending, but I am overwhelmed by the gratitude for the home I was given.

Overwhelmed
You hate when you get like this, when you become so afraid of things you know aren't real.
The hallucinations are vivid and demand space.
You can't think when you get like this, everything stops making sense, the words get jumbled and you stop knowing what to say, and you almost always know what to say.
Your mind is painfully overwhelmed yet entirely empty, hollow of coherence.
The lines are blurred and you aren't sure what you're talking about.
Things look fake, none of it feels real, not compared to the false perceptions you can't seem to rid yourself of.
You wish someone was here to talk but you wouldn't want anyone to see you like this, tainted and overcast by something that isn't real.
You know those things aren't really what they seem but you see them everywhere and what are you to trust if not your own eyes.
You worry you are losing your faint grip on reality, you wonder what you can rely on, you don't know what you think anymore.