Sincerely October

Calamity - connection

C words for dictionary poetry.

Calamity
I'm starting to wonder if the walls between us will never do anything but linger, I have an unshakable sense of loneliness.
Maybe it's a part of being seventeen, I can only hope I will feel seen one day.
I have the thought that I am somehow unacceptable, that something in me is inherently unlovable.
I spend most of my interactions trying to fill the silence and say the right thing. How can I talk about my day in a way that fills the space?
How can I take up space in the right way? Am I doing this alright? Am I saying what I need to say?
I spend so much time trying to say the right thing and I often forget what I'm saying.

Calm
Things are quieter nowadays.
I have a sense of balance I haven't had in quite some time.
Life is steady, I do my school work, I listen to my songs, I write poems about my little life. Everyday is similar to yesterday.
I used to have incredibly high highs and abysmal lows. There was rarely a moment of peace.
I enjoy my little life, I love the simplicity of it all. I don't need a grand life to be happy.
The theatrical nature of my past grew tiring. I have always wanted the life I have now, but for many months it was out of my reach.
I find peace in listening to my favorite album in the car, buying stuffed toys from the thrift shop, and spending Sundays with friends.
I enjoy doing school work, listening to the songs I've always listened to, and watching episodes I've already seen.
For much of my life the turmoil was relentless, but I am entering a time of peace.

Camera
I document my life in any way I can.
I write poetry about the changing seasons, I write verses about blissful Sundays and lonely Friday nights.
I take photos of my favorite things and favorite people, I look back on them often to remind myself of days past.
I keep a diary that documents everything, I write about my day and what's on my mind, I plan my life and spill my mess onto the pages.
I draw pictures that highlight my life today, I quote lyrics from my favorite songs, I capture the days with creative expression.
There's so much I never want to forget.

Candle
The flame never went out, even in my little dark age the fire in my stomach never ceased.
Even when I thought I had given up I hadn't really.
Even when I accepted my grim fate and untimely death I still had hope in my heart, I still had part of me that knew there was more to life than this.
There is more to life than getting high and writing about a stomach that aches.
I didn't see that I was trying, I believed I was to die before things ever made sense, and maybe I did think that was my truth, but I managed to pull myself out of the abyss.
I asked for help and I meant it.
The flame may have grown dim but it never went out.

Candor
I worry she will never let me back in, I worry I ruined this one in a way I can never recover from. I shouldn't complain because people don't like it when you are unkind, I should have known better.
I still dream of the drugs almost every night. They left a deep imprint on my mind. I chased every emotion with a bag or bottle, so now when they arise I find myself wanting it once again.
I dislike the sense of isolation that follows me, but I would rather that than judgment that stings.
I haven't stopped hallucinating in months and I worry I never will.
I sometimes feel like a small child, I rarely feel grown.
I have never been happier but I still have an ache in my chest.

Captivate
Inside out, I've never felt so empty. I have been high since last Tuesday. I'm riding this out into the bitter end.
Fear, I'm detoxing although I won't admit it. I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling. Nothing makes sense right now.
Float on, I am sober in a way that matters. I'm riding home from rehab with a newfound freedom and peace. I wrote a goodbye letter to the drugs.
Pope is a rockstar, it's late and I'm going to bed alone. A sense of calm washes over me. I fell asleep with eight teddy bears in my bed.
Lovefool, I love you so much, I'll tell you every day. I love you so much it hurts me. I would never let go of a person like you.
Meet me in the woods, I finally spoke up about what he did to me. Everything is confusing right now.
Songs hold memories in a way nothing else can. They capture the moment and hold it in their chest.