Sincerely October

Idea - isolate

I words for dictionary poetry.

Idea
I walked into the big room with a blue carpet and ivory curtains, I sat at my desk and began to take the test I surely knew I would fail.
I hesitantly finished the last question, I remembered I had forgotten my book so I read the dictionary in the moments in between.
Forgetting my book was one of the best mistakes I have ever made. Soon the idea of dictionary
poetry would come to me, surely another fleeting idea that would be left unfinished.
I did fail the test, but I left with an idea that would soon be a part of me.
I bought a pocket dictionary and began writing. I burnt passionately in the beginning, I had moments of silence, but I'd soon write my last poem in that collection.
I showed myself that I could finish the things I started, I could do worthwhile things.
Poetry would continue to grow with me, it would hold me during my darkest hours and loneliest evenings.
I returned back to dictionary poetry, what else is there left to write? How else can I capture my ever changing story?
This time with dictionary poetry I have a new sense of happiness, a sense of being seen, joyful, and loved.

Idol
I admire their face in the mirror, I watch as they move about with seemingly immeasurable amounts of peace.
How do they do it? What do they have that I don't?
I want to be like them, I want to be like them more than I want most things.
Tell me your story, talk for hours upon hours, I will listen.
It seems our stories aren't so different, it seems you have been able to tell them in a far better way than I ever have.
I will admire your hair that never stays the same color for more than a few months. I will admire the poetry that drips from your fingertips. I will admire the clothes you wear and the way you paint your face.

Ignorance
Not a single person I have met grew up wanting to be an addict, it happens to many of us, although never intended.
I wanted to be a veterinarian, a teacher, a store owner, an artist, but I never expected myself to grow up and become an addict.
I didn't intend for things to end up like this, I never really did.
Something about every first time felt like a promise, it felt like finding what I had always been looking for, again and again.
How could I stop after the first time? With the sense that all my prayers had been answered I wasn't going to.
So I did it, again and again, I chased after it in every passing moment, I was either doing it or waiting until I could, months go by.
Drugs felt like a promise that could never be kept, because as good as it felt, and deeply elated as I became, it would never last.
Soon I would realize I was digging myself into a hole, the drugs don't work anymore, they stopped doing that months ago, but maybe this time would be different, maybe this time I would feel it again, but it was never different.
The party is over, I hope you enjoyed yourself, there's nothing left for you here.
So when I found myself in a pit, when I found myself dependent and shaking, it wasn't because I wanted to.

Illusion
Welcome to what you've always been looking for.
The relief you have been desperate to find is finally here, lovely isn't it?
The questions that have been buzzing in your mind, the questions that leave you with a constant sense of unease are finally answered.
You used to be so unsettled, on your deepest level you didn't like being in your own skin, you never did, until now.
It's a carefully spun spider web of lies that draws you in because for once you feel happy, but you will find yourself far more empty than you thought you were capable of.
It seems like everything you need, everything you've always been looking for, but you're lucky if it doesn't kill you.
You don't realize that you are seeing a false reality, you don't realize that you're throwing yourself away for something that only exists on a tv screen, and you don't realize how much you've been lied to until you stop.

Imagination
I have to live with what my child self thought would save me. She reached for what she could to get through those nights that stripped me of my humanity, and for that I admire her, because if it weren't for her I would have died a long time ago.
The nights and the days couldn't coexist. The nights of suffocating pain could not exist in the same girl as the days of endless warmth and sun, so there was one little girl who lived as if none of it ever happened, and the other little girl who laid in that bad as the rape played out.
I thought that someone like me couldn't survive this, a weak and small child would never make it through, and that's all I wanted. So maybe if I were strong like the boy down the street, maybe if I was a force to be reckoned with, maybe if I was as unbreakable as he was, maybe then I could live through it.
Along the way I found myself needing to be many different people. I had to become many different people to be what I needed to be.
All of these faces I wore live inside me, I would not be who I am today if it weren't for the little girl who needed to be everything.