Sincerely October

Grey

A vent poem.

Messy
I wish I could find the sense of gray I used to have, the sense of being a little empty for a long while.
I was aching but I didn't care, I was alone but that didn't matter, it was a peaceful rain that dulled me.
I don't want to be miserable, not anymore, but I want to leave these things behind me, I don't want to feel this way.
I felt good today. Lately I've been feeling like myself, more than I ever have.
Sometimes it snows during the spring, sometimes you feel how you used to feel and you want to do the things you used to do.
I want to numb myself out, I want to take a pill and fall asleep on my bedroom floor, but I won't.
I don't want to live like that, I don't want to die like that, but some of me will miss it sometimes and that's just how it is.
Sometimes I can feel things happening like they used to, I can feel him on my skin. I wish it would stop.
It's a story with so many sides to it, it's a collection of tapes I can't seem to get rid of.
You should have killed me like you said you would.
Why didn't you? You should have. Why not? What's stopping you?
You did it all, you've really outdone yourself, why stop now?
You played the part of the loving brother knowing what you were.
This is where you draw the line? Tell me why.
I don't want to be sick and unwell and rotting like you. I wish I could write a sunny poem, but you are a vile excuse for a brother and I'm allowed to be angry.
I can't believe I called you my brother.
You know I used to try so hard to pretend like you were what you are not.
Maybe if I told myself the same story I would believe and then maybe it would be true.
I remember I tried to make you normal in my head, I knew what you should have been, so maybe I played along.
I hugged you when you asked. I'd let you see my drawings. I pretended not to be scared when you glared at me from across the kitchen.
I once told you I admired you, that I wanted to be like you. I wasn't telling the truth. I never want to be like you.
I bet you thought you'd gotten away with it. But you didn't, and you won't.
So no, I will not ruin myself because of what you did.
I will not kill myself because of those nights.
I deserve better and I will find it.