Sincerely October

Abandon - Astral

A collection of A words for the first chapter of dictionary poetry.

Abandon
I want to be more than what happened to me, to write about more than a past that aches.
I spent the last year bruised and aching, and I believe it was necessary, I needed to be hurting and worn before I could ever be whole again, with all the time that has passed I am ready to be myself again.
I must let go of the person I was, the person who shook and became teary at the thought of him.
I am a new person, I am different than I was.
So in dictionary poetry I will write how I used to write, not about bleeding or bruising, not about chasing highs and missing the drugs, but write about what I want to be, write about what I love and what I believe, write about a life after all the mess.

Abnormal
It's part of the human condition to love someone because they are strange while worrying that you wouldn't be accepted because you are.
Those I admire most are all loved because they are authentically different.
I love them because they are singing songs about things I rarely say out loud. I love him because he isn't ashamed of his monotone voice and backpack full of books. I love him because he is a man who isn't afraid to cry.
It seems all these people I adore all have one thing in common, they are openly different, they don't let fear of judgment stand between them and an authentic life. I love them more because they are strange.
So maybe when I inevitably start worrying that I am strange I will remind myself that my favorite people are all strange, it's what I love most about them.

Abstruse
Things used to be so confusing, nothing made sense to me, nothing at all.
The relief I feel at this moment is indescribable.
The sun is setting, I'm listening to my favorite band, I'm with those I love, I don't have any drugs hiding in my bag, everything is okay.
For so long things were deeply messy, I was lost and confused and I didn't know how to make things feel okay, but now everything's okay.

Absurd
I love you.
I love you when you ring me out let a wet rag. I love you suck me dry, when you leave me lifeless. I love you when you almost killed me, and when I thought you would this time.
You ruined my life, you practically ripped it from my hands. You changed me in ways I can never recover from, and in ways in which I am still putting back together.
Yet I still have a room in my heart just for you. I still dream about you every night. We haven't seen each other in so long but you still live in my mind.
When the evenings grow lonely and the nights become dark I find myself wishing you were there to hold me.
But you never held me, you bruised me.

Abysmal
It all feels so bleak.
My hallucinations follow me, in every town I've stepped foot in, every person I've been, and in every life I've lived they linger.
It's getting worse. They used to come up on Thursday's and during rainstorms, I couldn't tell you when the next chapter started, but now they don't stop.
There isn't a recent moment I can recall in which I am not living in the in between.
I remember how they were before, it was hellish, the falsehoods felt more real than the sky above me, so maybe I should be happy they aren't so bad anymore.
It is deeply unsettling seeing myself being pulled back again.
They never stopped, but it seems the radio is louder than it used to be.
It's growing to be more uncomfortable, harder to ignore.
I stand at the front of the river with no bottom. I dip my feet in, I have nothing else to do but hope this won't define me.

Acknowledge
For such a long time I told myself I was not to address it. I was to push it into the back of my mind until it stopped floating towards the front.
It never went away, it's always been, it always will be.
I spent so long trying to shove it out of my mind, so many nights wasted, so many pages ripped out, but it paved a path of much needed acceptance.
I realized that ignoring the truth would never change it, that this isn't going away even if I pretend.
So for the first time I accepted it, I let the rain sink into the dirt of my mind, this is the truth even if I pretend like it's not.