Sincerely October

Dusk

A gloomy chapter.

Linger
I know I much prefer sunny days like today then the stormy ones of yesterday, I know I want to live a sober life, I know that I want it bad enough, I can't go back to the way I used to be.
I am growing tired of having to talk myself down, of having to remind myself of why I shouldn't.
I still dream about it often, I still miss the feeling, every emotion that comes up was once followed by a bag or bottle.
I want to get high to go to sleep or to wake up, I want to get high because life is too loud or too quiet, I want to get high because I'm happy or because I'm not.
When I miss it more than I know that I should, I remind myself of the person I was.
I did things that I never saw myself as capable of doing, I showed myself the type of person I really am.
I don't want to go back to the way I used to be, so I must move forward with a new way of life. 
It will get easier, I know this to be true, but for now I am gritting my teeth until it does.

Remember 
I know you want it, I know it feels like you need it, but remember why you let go.
Remember why you stopped.
Remember how it felt to burn almost every bridge in a matter of days?
Remember how it felt to go to rehab again?
Remember the sound of your dads voice when he found out you never stopped?
You don't want to be like that again, you don't want to go back to how you used to be.
You spent so long lost in the drugs that you thought they were the only answer, but there's so much more to life than this.
Don't give away your anatomy again, don't give up for what you pushed so hard for.

You'll see
You've come so far, you've gotten so much better, don't throw it away, not now.
I know you miss it, I know you feel lost in wondering if you can do this but you can, you want it bad enough, relapse is not inevitable.
There's so much more to life than this, there's so much waiting for you, you just can't give up, not now, not.
You know how bad this gets, you know what it's like, don't let go now, don't go back to it just because it's what you know.
It's hard but it will be worth it, just wait and see, the tears you cried will all be worth it some day.

My little dark age
There was something so deeply bleak about the chapters written in letters from sixteen.
I reread some of my old writings and I think past me would cry tears of relief if he saw my life today.
I thought I didn't have a real chance, I thought I would never stop for long enough for it to mean anything.
I read the verses about knowing better than to act like this but not knowing how to.
I knew tolerance and dependency were creeping up on my life, I knew I was being sucked away, but I couldn't stop, it wasn't that simple.
I know better than to go back to that. I never want to feel so controlled by something ever again.
I have a chance, I always did but I really do now.

Dimly lit nights
I want to get better, I want to feel the sun on my skin, I want to improve in a way that matters, but I still find myself writing poems like this.
When you see me I don't want you to see this, I want to be more than this, but sometimes I feel like I never will be.
I'm better than I used to be, that's what matters. Right?
I'm tired of telling people I'm doing poorly, they almost expect it from me now.
This will pass, it always does, but night is dimly lit.
I sometimes can't see anything but what's in front of me. When it rains I can only recall days in which it was raining. I start to wonder if it's worth trying at all if I will always come back to feeling this way.