Sincerely October

October in June

A miscellaneous chapter.

Coexist
Everything exists within separate worlds, separate worlds that never seem to connect, they barely string together.
It's hard to imagine this all existing in one weekend, one day, one life. It all feels so different.
I sit in the dark and watch my hallucinations. I'm really losing my mind.
I can't recall any of it, I read things I wrote days ago and I can't recall ever feeling like that.
It feels that the seams are being torn, that things are all fractured and that they will do nothing but stay that way.
I walk around under the sunshine, I think I have found what I've been looking for. This is all I've ever wanted, this life I hold in the palm of my hands.
I think this is what I gritted my teeth for, the hope I have held onto lives within me today, it lives within me and my surroundings. Things have never been like this before.
I wonder how it can all coexist. I wonder how I can live in a reality that contradicts itself over and over again.

Coming home
I may spend my whole life trying to capture the relief I feel.
I thought I would always be deeply and painfully unhappy, I was a flower wilting in a vase, a flower that was never going to bloom, a flower that never had the chance to, but I was wrong.
I have the relief and the happiness I have always been looking for. It doesn't hurt like that anymore. He loves me despite it, he loves me even in the mess of it all. I don't need to be high to feel happy. I am not hiding a sadness within me.
I never thought I would feel like this, I saw no relief ahead of me, but I am glad I made it to the iris season.
Welcome home, welcome to what you've always wanted.

October
I'm still finding my way, I'm still picking up the pieces and making sense of this.
I thought I could never tell anyone, but he knows, and he loves me, not despite or because, but he loves me.
It feels like something I can live with, something that is not ugly, something that is beautiful.
I survived, this is how I did it, this is how I made it through the rainy evenings, it always has been this way, no reason to run from it, nothing to hide from.
Maybe it's not as bad as it seemed, maybe it is heavy, but not like it was before.
It's not a choice I made, I didn't choose to be this way, and maybe that's hard to admit ,but I can choose to let it be what it is or die ignoring it.
I did not choose this, but I choose how I learn to make peace with it.

Clover
In a patch of clovers I found you.
I never thought I would feel this way, that I would never love a human being like I do now.
Keep your distance, don't stand too close, don't tell them too much, but for him it is unlike anything I thought I was capable of.
I don't have to pretend with him, I don't have to do whatever I think you want me to do, I don't have to be what you want me to be, I don't have to be anything but what I am.
Tell me what's on your mind, I'll tell you what is on mine.
He learns something new about himself every day, something he didn't know before, and I look forward to hearing his voice at the end of the day, tell me what you learned today.
He puts meaning into everything he does, never have I met someone so thoughtful and intentional, everything has a purpose.
I am so lucky to have found someone so similar to a warm summer day.