Sincerely October

Xanadu - XOXO

X for dictionary poetry. There are not a lot of words that start with X.

Xanadu
One day I will have a house of my own that is just as I like it.
It will be purple or green, it will have stained glass windows and many places for the sun to shine in.
I will have my paintings in every room, I will hang up drawings and posters from my favorite things.
I will paint strange things on the walls, I won't care if anyone will see them.
It will be colorful and academic, it will be unique and beautiful.
I will own far too many stuffed toys and sleep in a lovely fort.
There I will be safe to do as I please, there I will know I have a world of my own.

Xanax
I put the white pill in my mouth, I chew it up and it tastes awful, but I know it will be worth it.
I say I'll just take a little bit, one quarter of a pill.
I am walking home and suddenly I am overcome by a sense of calm, I cannot keep my mouth from hanging open.
I think to myself "this is what I have been looking for."
Suddenly everything is quiet, I take a little bit more and a little bit more.
I have never felt such peace.
I wake up the next morning, the bag is empty, they are all gone.
I don't remember it well and yet I find myself wanting more.
I search through the house shaking, surely there is money around here somewhere.
The calm is replaced by indescribable and primal anxiety, I'm shaking and my heart is beating quickly, I want more, I need more.
I will grow to relive these experiences, I will do things I shouldn't, I'll do awful things I can't recall, I'll nod off on my bedroom floor.
But one day I will realize that this will not give me what I am looking for, I will realize that this will not fill me.

Xanthic
Today is yellow, today is the sun shining on my skin and warming my soul.
Today is knowing that there's someone out there who understands this, someone who is like me, someone who can know the fullest extent of the truth.
Today is coming to understand that I can be happy while sober, that in fact the two go hand and hand.
Today is thinking that maybe I can do this, that I can figure this out, that I will find my way.
Today is being alone and being okay with that.
Today is writing poetry. Today is being close to finishing my book, today is feeling that I grew with Sincerely October.
Today is thinking that maybe one day I will be like them, that one day I will share a home with someone who loves all of me.
Today is believing that there isn't anything wrong with me for being the way I am, there's nothing wrong with listening to the same songs over and over again and loving as deeply as I do.

Xen
It is strange.
It is hard to explain and hard to make sense of and hard to live with.
It is complex and confusing and I still don't understand it.
I don't know how to explain it and I don't know if I'd like to tell the full story.
I don't know the full story and I don't think I want to.
Seeing it all written down in front of me, seeing a list of things I don't quite understand, I would rather not.
I would tell you but I know if you said the wrong thing it would cut me and the scar would be red and raised and I would hate to look at it. I wouldn't forget it if you said the wrong thing, I would never let go of it.
It still doesn't make sense to me. There is a long list of things I do not know about or understand. I have known for years but this is only beginning to feel breathable.
Suddenly everything makes sense in the way that I finally have the words for the pieces and the revolving door.

Xenial
I open the door and let them introduce themselves, what should I call you?
Tell me what you love, tell me your favorite songs to listen to, tell me what you are.
Why are you here? What purpose do you serve?
The list of rules is short, don't break them and we will all be fine.
How do you feel? Is there something that lingers within you?
Do as you please, say what you feel inclined to say, express yourself in the ways you see fit, do the things you want to do.
I'm sorry for ever blocking you out, I'm sorry for ever being ashamed of you, I'm sorry I didn't see your purpose.
I want you to know that you are safe now, you are safe to be whatever you are.

Xenolith
For the pieces that came along the way.
There were those who came to exist in the very beginning, those who remember what it was like all those years ago, those who have been here for many seasons of life.
But there were those who have not been around for long,
Hazel Brown, who lives in freshman and sophomore year, who listens to vampire weekend while writing, who drinks coffee at all hours of the day.
Lavender, who doodles on his notes for school, who listens to the same songs over and over again, who is passionate and determined.
Blue, who doesn't carry the weights most do, who is unapologetic and unbothered, who is still finding it his way.
Willow Green, who is still coming to understand herself, who advocates and creates art, who spends hours at the thrift store.

XOXO
I can tell them the truth, I can tell them the truth without having to fold it into something easier to digest, without making it smaller and simpler than it really is.
I can be as weird as I am, I can tell the story in its vivid and strange and hard to understand detail.
It's not too much, it's not too strange.
They know what it's like to be this way, they know what it's like to live with a long and ever growing list of labels and names.
Let's talk about it more because finally someone understands what I'm saying, finally someone sees this for exactly what it is.
Let me tell you about this thing I can never say out loud. Let me explain the story that I have written behind my eyelids but am yet to share. Let me introduce myself again.
I have been dying to tell someone, I have been wishing and wishing I could say it to another human being, and I didn't know if I'd get that, but I did.
I can be whatever I am with you. Thank you for that.