Sincerely October

Earnest - Ephemeral

E for dictionary poetry.

Earnest
You know what it's like, maybe me and you have lived very different lives, maybe me and you are very different people, but the understanding we have keeps us bound together.
We both know what it's like to get sick because you stopped, we both know what it's like to find happiness in what's killing us.
They almost killed you, and they almost killed me too. I know you accepted your death because I did too. I know what it's like to have to pass up on the best you've ever felt and the worst you'd ever know because I did the same.
I know you would never judge me for doing the things I did because you did too, you know what it's like to get lost in the process and having to find yourself again.
We have both lost the unfortunate, almost deadly love of our lives.
When I tell the story many would assume I am presenting a false narrative, but you know the truth more than anyone else does.

Ease
Talking to people who know what it's like, spending time with people who I know want to see me happy more than anything.
Working towards a normal life, doing what I need to do to become better.
The knowledge that the days between me and my last drink or drug and becoming further and further behind me, the thought that I can really do it this time.
Writing poems about a happy life and knowing the words are coming from my heart.
When people who once were many steps back are now walking closer, and are now letting me back in.
I live with the knowledge that my little dark age is over.

Eclipse
The light from the sun was always there, I just didn't see it, not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't.
I didn't think I had a chance, I felt as if my life had been stripped from me. I'm sorry you never got what you wanted, maybe in another life, better luck next time.
I accepted this, but I always knew I wanted better, I didn't think I would ever find it but the burning fire in my stomach was enough.
It was grim and bleak for a long time, the only light coming from dimly burning candles, but my little dark age didn't last forever.
I needed to show people the stories that were playing in my mind, I needed them to hear what had been repeating on the record player, I had to tell my story to get it out of me, so I did. I told anyone who was willing to sit down with me and listen. I spent so long hiding my past but I couldn't live like that anymore, I needed to show them my wounds for them to heal.
Once I had done that it's like I had purged the memories out of me, suddenly I wasn't aching anymore, suddenly the sun was not hidden by the moon.

Elapsed
I think I will spend my whole life trying to write about the relief I feel, I don't think I will ever capture it.
I thought I was destined to choke on my vomit. I thought I would never move past it. I thought I couldn't live with it.
I didn't see how the fire in my stomach kept me going, even when life was bleak and grim, even when I thought I had given up I never did.
It was all worth it, every moment brought me to where I am today, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else or anywhere else.

Elusive
I never think things will change, I know they will, but it never settles in until I wake up one day and realize things are different than they've ever been.
I realize that the people I used to share my every thought with haven't spoken to me in months that turn into years.
I am not the person I thought I was before and before that and before that.
Things that seemed like such small seeds have grown into trees that stand taller than me.
I have told people stories I swore I'd never let leave my mind.
The changes that life can hold never cease to surprise me.
It never seems like anything but what it is, but change is awaiting us all.

Embark
You've lost almost everything, are you willing to start over or do you want to ride this out until the bitter end?
You know you'll only sink lower until you pull yourself out of the hole, it will only get worse, you'll break every promise you've ever made to yourself. You said you never would do those things and now you do.
Are you willing to start over? Do you want it bad enough?
I do, I want it bad enough, I want to be different, I don't want this to define me. Tell me what I can do to be better.
It's a world I never saw myself being a part of. Welcome to living, welcome home.

Embrace
I have known for a long time, but it always seemed like something I could never admit, even if it only lived in my head I was never to do anything but dismiss it.
Pretending things are not the way they are won't change the way they are. Know that closing your eyes won't change what is in front of you.
I wanted to find my way, but it always seemed like a path I could never take.
I couldn't say what changed, but at some point I realized that this is not going to go away, even if I ignore it every day for the rest of my life, even if I never acknowledge it, it will always be there.
So I started to let it sink into the dirt of my mind. Things started making sense, things started to seem less confusing, and that was all I needed.
I am still learning how to live with it, I am still very unsure of where this ends and begins, but I accepted this, and that's all that I wanted.

Enervate
For much of the past year I felt that you had drained me out of my body. I never felt like myself, I wanted to be better but I was too consumed by the stories you told me.
I don't know what you are but I know what you did, I don't know what you wanted me to feel but I know it was the worst I've ever known.
for a long time I felt like you had ruined me in a way I would never recover from, even when you were gone I was haunted by you.
I was so tired, I was tired of aching and I thought I would never stop aching, this is all I ever was to you and I felt like this was all I'd ever be.
You lingered in awful ways, you haunted my dreams and my journal entries, I saw and felt you when you weren't there, but it wouldn't stay this way.
I told people about what you did. It took the heavy and exhausting feeling in my chest.
I know that what you did to me isn't what I am.

Engrave
I have taught myself to chase every feeling with something to change it.
I am deeply elated, I know what would make this better. I am melancholy, I know what will help me feel the sun on my skin. I'm scared, I know what will drown out the sounds.
Everything was followed by a drug or drink, this was a way of being, my whole world.
I want to do things differently but with this I feel the drugs have written stories on the back of my eyelids, this is a deeply threaded path in my mind.
My solution is to get high. Everything reminds me of it, the music I used to listen to, the photos I used to look at and take, the ways peoples faces look when they are drunk, the places I used to go, it all reminds me in vastly deep ways.
Maybe it is a bit bleak in my eyes but I have hope I can find new ways, I can do things differently, I can take paths with flowers, even if they aren't on the map.

Entry
It's one in the morning, I can't seem to fall asleep.
Why am I thinking about it again?
I told myself I wouldn't write about the rape but sometimes you have to tell the story many times before you learn to live with it..
If it wasn't me it would have been her, and I love her too much to see her suffer.
I don't think I'm broken, I'm hurting, and I'm allowed to hurt.
I thought I was done with this, but maybe I'm not quite there yet, and it won't kill me, it hasn't yet.
Someone told me that this wouldn't come up again, I wish they hadn't, because sometimes it comes up again.
I often tell the story in my head over and over again. I need to capture all the narratives, I need to get the story out of me, because I can't live with it stuck in me.

Ephemeral
Nothing remains, nothing sticks to the surface, everything is fleeting.
I find my truth and then it changes, I find myself and soon forget who that person was.
Things are never the same, I am everything but consistent, when I think I have found the answer the truth begins to tell a different story.
I can't recall when things weren't like this, I don't feel tied to much.
Maybe I said it and knew it was true but it's not anymore, maybe that made sense at the time but it doesn't anymore.
I never expect things to change, I can't quite wrap my head around it, but the only thing that remains when you take it all away is the fluid nature of it all.

Erratic
It's always something with you, isn't it?
You may be elated by morning and in tears by noon.
You get swept away in your own mind, you live in your head more than you live in your body.
You struggle to keep yourself happy, you cling to reason but often lose it.
You live in a fog, you couldn't tell me what you spent your day doing, you never can.
I know you're trying, I know you want to be better, I know you want to be happy, and I hope you find what you're looking for.