Fragile or not? - SKZ FanFic

30

Water & Vinegar

The truth and lies constantly switch in front of our eyes.
They mix throughout our lives as we try to recognize which one is it now.
Water and vinegar.
You don't know which one is it until you open your senses and wake up from the illusion.
They blend and in the end, you might not ever know what you're drinking.
Sometimes we lie/give vinegar because we're forced to hide the rest of the iceberg underneath the water.
It may be out of fear.
It may be out of evilness.
Or envy, jealousy, sadness, ...
But, why choose vinegar when everyone would be glad that you gave them water?

Grabbing the notebook I hide it underneath my oversized shirt.
The notebook itself isn't that big so it's not visible.
I know this is invading privacy but the urge was stronger than me.
The feeling of guilt made its way to me when Jeongin came in.
"Hey sorry for that. He needed to know his schedule since he's in my class."
After I give him a nod he sits back on his bed.
"I wanted to ask you but I didn't get the chance."
I smile as a pink tint decorates his cheeks.
"Are you okay? Are you treating well your tattoo?"
Chuckling I nod.
"Yes, I'm treating it well. Thanks for asking. Except for my feelings of hurt, I'm okay."
Jeongin's smile disappeared.
"I heard you should have gone through some training and preparations from Monday but you didn't."
The comment made me think about the way I spent those three days full of doing nothing.
"I had no energy. I'll start tomorrow along with school."
He hums while his hand meets his black locks straightening them.
"Speaking of that, I'll help you with finding your way to the classrooms. Meet me in the lobby at 7:15 am. The classes start at 7:45 am."
"Alright."
Jeongin reaches for the drawer and takes out a small grey box.
"This is what I wanted to give you. Here."
Giving it to me I open it to find a black bracelet with blue zircon.
"It's very pretty. Thanks."
"That is a safety bracelet. If in danger you only have to press that zircon and your location will be sent to us. It's pretty indeed."
I reach my hand in front of him so he can tie it.
"Can you transfer my message to Han?"
Tilting his head he waits for me to continue.
"Tell him everything I told you. I accept your apologies but never ever repeat this."
Jeongin gives me a bow as I walk out with a big sigh.
Finally.
I handle these things badly.
The notebook underneath my sweater may give me some answers they would never have.
Guilt was very heavy on my shoulders.
There's no turning back now.

Preparing my stuff for tomorrow I am already in my pajamas.
The uniform matched the interior, a mix of black, blue, and white.
My Schedule isn't that bad at all.
It could've been better but I should be glad we don't have math the first class.
Making my way to my bed the black notebook sat right next to me.
Should I read it now?
Opening it anyways I was greeted with different colors on the first page and letters.
'Yang Jeongin' it read.
It is a diary.
The first part of it is a normal diary with a few check-ins of everyday life which I wasn't bothered by reading.
As I go further the check-ins get longer.
One of them caught my eye.

'July 17th.
Our mission got complicated. They attacked J.One, CB97, and me alone and we had to retreat immediately. It was a mistake but I think we could've done better.
CB97 got the biggest injury. His arm was slashed and a stab in the other.
I only got stabbed in my leg but not that deep.
The next day, we got to their HQ and got what they took from us. Luckily we smashed their system and destroyed their weapons.
Afterward, Seungmin and I got caught when we were hacking.
CB97 saved us by making a deal of gambling which we won thanks to Felix and Hyunjin.
Ahh, I feel miserable.
I always make mistakes that lead to such things.
Why can't I be better? Why do I have to ruin everything?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Oh, how I wish to disappear.'

Reading this makes me feel so many different emotions and guilt on top of everything.
Oh, Jeongin.
You're suffering all alone.
I won't let you be like me.
No one deserves this.
The next ones were also about smaller missions that he did not describe.
I found another long one.

'July 31.
There's no way I deserve a place in SKZ.
I'm just too worthless for this.
I need to get my schedule back.
Jeongin remember - work hard until you want to throw up!
That way I'll know I'm working hard.
I need to meet everyone's expectations or else they will start seeing me that way.
There's no way I can let Minji, Han, Chan, or anyone else be disappointed in me.
They can't see me as a weak person.
I can't let that happen.
Please, don't think I'm weak.
Please, believe in me.
I'm so tired of this.'