memories ~ elmax ~

pt. 4

max's pov:

"billy! we're home!" my dad called out to the guy who i assumed was my brother as we walked though the door. as soon as i could take a deep breath, the smell of cigarettes and beer filled the air, and it was pretty smoky. my dads face turned red and a vain almost popped out of his forehead as he began to scream. "BILLY! ARE YOU FUCKING SMOKING IN THE HOUSE AGAIN?" he screamed. as he finished yelling a man maybe 19 of 20 stumbled out of one of the rooms into the living room where we all were. "what dad?" he asked as he rubbed his head. "your sister is home. aren't you going to say anything?" he asked billy. billy glanced over at me with a blank expression and stared at me with empty eyes. it was obvious he was on something or high. "whatever these two fucks tell you i'm not your brother." he coldly explained. i squinted my eyes out of confusion not knowing if he was joking or not.

"how many fucking times do i have to tell you billy, maxine is your sister wether you like it or not. know we are a family and you better start acting like it." my dad said as he got up in billy's face. "do i make myself clear?" he asked billy in a stern tone with their faces almost touching. "yes sir.." billy mumbled pushing my dad off of him and going back to his room. my dad turned back around and coldly stared at me and my mom for a second before going into the kitchen and grabbing his cigarettes.

my mom sighed, then spoke. "maxine let me get you settled." she told me as she set down my bags made me sit down on the couch. "all that hospital food must have been pretty crummy huh? how about i make you some french toast like you loved when you were a little girl?" she suggested. "i used to love french toast?" i asked her not remembering that. "uhm, yea. want some?" she asked me. i hesitated for a second but then agreed. "great- oh also if you have any questions- you should ask me instead of neil or billy." she told me. "okay- uhm.. is billy always said i'm not his sister..?" i asked her cutting to the chase. "yea, ever since i got married to neil he thought i was trying to replace his mom and-"
"SUSAN GET ME A BEER!" neil interrupted my mom by screaming. she sighed and straightened her clothes and took a deep breath before putting on a fake smile and walking into the kitchen. as soon as she was gone i stood up off the couch and grabbed my bags.

i was not sure where my bedroom was but i was sure i'd find it. i stumbled into the hallway since i was still not good at using crutches, thankgod the doctors told me i only had to use the crutches for 2 weeks, and that would be up by tomorrow and i could finally take off the cast. it was not a real cast, more just wrapped in bandages. the first room i stumbled into was the bathroom. it was a basic bathroom, a shower, toilet, sink. all the basics. exept the walls were pink, and for whatever i felt disgusted. huh.. i guess that's something that i hated it. but either way i left that room as quick as possible and stumbled into the next room. i opened the door and immediately got hit with the smell of smoke and beer, and then saw billy working out listening to music. "HEY WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING IN HERE YOU PUNK?" he screamed even louder then the music. he set down his weights and walked towards the door slamming it shut in my face.

i sighed and went into the room across from his hoping that would not be my room. i opened the door and my face dropped. from the looks of it this was in fact my room. there were beige walls, and a bed in the corner of the room. there was also a small closet opened with clothes scattered though out the room. the room was pretty messy to be honest, and it was pretty dark. i guess that's the way i liked it. nothing seemed very familiar, like i knew this was my bedroom, but i didn't remember it like the doctors said i would. there were posters all over the room of various girls skateboarding, and some rock bands.
i stumbled over to the bed and sat down leaning my crutches against the bed. i glanced to the opsite corner of the room and saw a tall full body mirror.

i really didn't want to, but i grabbed my crutches and stood up and stumbled over towards the mirror. this will be the first time that i actually see my reflection. well- not my FIRST time.. but first time in at least a month or two. i took a deep breath and closed my eyes, nervous to see what i looked like. "three.. two.." i counted down. i took a deep breath before speaking once again.
"one.."
i opened my eyes and my eyes slightly widened in shocked. i didn't look how i imagined.. i had dark red hair like i assumed, maybe a bit darker then i imagind, but still.. but i also had bright blue eyes, pale skin, and honestly i looked like i would be really mean. i didn't feel mean- but i still don't know who the fuck i am so i can't really say anything. the longer i stared at my reflection the more and more i hated what i saw.

the way my hair fell into my face, how far apart my eyes were, how big my nose was, the way my legs looked in the sweat pants i was wearing- everything just disgusted me. out of EVERYONE on this planet. why did i have to look like THIS?

i shut my eyes as i couldn't look any longer at myself, and i felt a single tear roll down my cheek. i bet everyone in my life and everyone i knew was a thousands times prettier then me- and if not.. i bet they still look a whole lot better. another part i deeply hated was- i didn't recognize myself. i still don't know who the fuck i am. if i saw my reflection i would of just assumed it was a stranger. i feel nothing when i see my own reflection, when i look at my family or interact with them, when i'm in my house, i feel nothing towards anything. it's like i'm empty and an emotionless waste of air. i mean at this point.. am i even a person anymore?