my eyes were going from one part of this princesses room, to the other. i know 'princess' is a kind of a mean and stupid name, but to me el was a princess. not just because her family is pretty rich, but also she acts like one. she's kind and sweet, and she's really gorgeous too. more then ever i just wanted her to not leave to go to work with her mom, but i get she had to. my heart was still beating a million miles an hour from what just happened a few minutes prior. me and el almost kissed, and more then ever i just wanted it to happen. why? i'm not sure.. i- i just wanted to kiss her. i'm not sure if she wanted to kiss me, but if she did before she would not want to now. i probably did something to fuck up everything like always, because that's what i always do right?
i appreciate el and her family letting me stay here, but i can't. i need to get out of this house before i absolutely loose my mind. being in this house confused the shit out of me, i'm always angry and numb, here i'm still numb, but less angry and sad. fuck and earlier i opened up to el a tiny bit about my parents and home life. i don't trust el completely yet, but god something about her made me want to tell her everything. i think i'm really falling for her.
but that's why i need to leave.
i can't let her get hurt,
i can't hurt her.
~
i was once again walking down the busy streets, with an overwhelming guilty and sad feeling overwhelming me. i regret leaving, but at the same time i know it's for the best. over the last hour i had been thinking what to do next, or where to go. i obviously can't stay in california, el will definitely find me here, i can't go back to my home town, my parents will find me there.. what if i go to flor-
before i knew it i felt a hand grabbing my shoulder, pulling me into an alleyway and interrupting my thoughts. i hand covered my mouth so i wouldn't be able to scream. "don't scream and i will let go." the voice wispered. i nodded quickly as i could feel my heart racing and fear flood through me. he removed his hand, and i turned around to face him.
it was asn that was clearly homeless, with old ripped up clothes, and thin greasy long hair. he reeked of cigarettes and alcohol. he was empty handed, burn he did have one hand in his coat pocket near his chest, and he was holding something. it looked like he was holding a gun for all i knew, so i didn't want to chance it by running away. "what do you want?" i asked, trying not to sound terrified. "go into that store over there and get me whisky, okay kid? then i won't hurt you." he told me in a creepy tone. "what if i don't?" i asked him trying to sound calm as can be. "then you'll live." he told me.
i took a deep breath and tried to hide my laughter and immediately calmed down. this man was obviously giving me and empty threat, he didn't look capable of even attempting murder. he looks pretty weak compared to me, i would easily win in a fight. i might as well get him some whisky anyways, i'm probably a million times better at stealing then him. "fine, but you owe me." i told him. he squinted his eyes. "how so?" he asked me. "what do you got? cash? a train ticket out of this shit hole?" i asked him. he reached into his pocket finally giving up the 'fake gun act', and pulling out some cigarettes. "i don't want cigarettes. i don't smoke." i told him. "these aren't cigarettes babydoll- it's weed. i'll give it to you if you get me wisky." he told me. i cringed and that disgusting perverted nickname. "what does weed do?" i asked him.
"makes all your worry's and stresses float away like they never existed of couse." he smirked. i sighed. that didn't sound too bad, it's not like i would even smoke it anyways. i don't do drugs and i'm not planning on starting today. "fuck it, whatever." i said snatching the weed from him, and stuffing it in my pocket. i left the alleyway, and walked into the store right beside it. this time there was somebody at the counter, but it was an elderly man who was half asleep. i walked passed him, and into the alcohol isle, i grabbed a random bottle of whiskey, and slipped it into my bag. i calmly walked out of the store feeling a great amount of suspense and excitement like i always did when i stole, and walked back into the alleyway, but this time that man was no where to been seen.
"uh hello?" i called out as i walked further into the alleyway. i groaned once i realized i just stole this for absolutely no reason, what am i gonna do with it now?? i can't just give it to a random ass person and be like 'here's so alcohol, enjoy' and leave!?
i sighed once more, and left the alleyway. i threw down my skateboard and kicked off, and glided down the sidewalk, going god knows where.
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~
i was sitting on an empty park bench at a sketchy as fuck park, debating wether or not to drink the alcohol i had stolen a few hours ago. it's the end of october, so the sun is starting to set in an hour, so that gives me untill 4pm to figure out what the fuck i'm doing from here. i know el is gonna come looking for me soon enough, and i can't deal with her right now. now that i know for sure i have feelings for her, i can never see her again.
well..
i can't see her while i'm sober at least..
i grabbed my backpack and pulled out the whiskey. i took a closer look, and realized just how strong this really was. i'm pretty sure this is the shit neil drinks. just thinking of neil made me furious and feel sick. i just couldn't get the memory of him out of my head, and every single time i thought of what happened before i left- it just made me feel like i was gonna be sick. it's a funny feeling, feeling numb and emotionless, but so fucking angry, sad, and disgusted at the same time. i unscrewed the lid, and the strong smell immediately filled the air. this honestly smelt disgusting, but if it will take my mind off of everything the fuck it. i took a big sip of the alcohol, but felt nothing. i thought this shit was supposed to kick in right away? i sighed. well i guess i'll wait then..
after a few minutes of it still not kicking in, i took another sip. it was slightly burning my throat- but i didn't care. it also tasted like shit, but again, i don't care. i sighed once again, because i still couldn't feel shit. i could feel the wind start to pick up, and a chill hit. the sun was starting to set, and it was getting colder by the second. i stuck my hands in my pockets, in an attempt to keep my hands warm, but felt something. i pulled out the weed that weird guy had given me before, and stared at it. well if i can't get drunk, i might aswell get high. i'll anything to help me escape from reality at this point..
