memories ~ elmax ~

pt. 8

max's pov:

the more and more i thought about this the more and more i just became so angry. it felt like i was gonna explode any second. at least the skateboarding was taking my mind off of this. i sat down on the curb outside of my house and stared into the road. it would be so easy to just get rid of these feelings and run into the road. if my life just ended right then and there everything would go away. everything would feel better. i wouldn't have to suffer anymore then i already am. it's not like anybody would care anyways. im just a burden in everyone's life. their life's would be so much better and easier without me in it. i debated whether i should run into the road or not, but decided not to as there hasn't been a car to drive past our house in over an hour, and it was barley going 20 miles an hour. not nearly fast enough to kill someone on impact.

i sighed and stood back up and got onto my skateboard, i kicked off and skated back over towards our house. i skated up the drive way, and suddenly heard a car engine. i turned around and saw neil turning on his car, getting ready to go somewhere. it was his day off, and he had already been drinking the whole day, so i don't know why he would drive somewhere. probably go the store to get more alcohol. he looked over at me, and we made eye contact. i immediately looked away because it was incredibly awkward. he got into his car, and slammed the door shut. as he started to pull out of the driveway, out of no where there was a big gust of wind that caused my skateboard to roll down the driveway infront of the tire of neil's car.

before i could run over to grab it, neil ran over my skateboard. he obviously saw the skateboard, yet he still didn't stop. a big crash echoed throughout the area, and he stopped the car. immediate anger and sadness washed over me. this was the SECOND time he had done this and on perpuse too, i was beyond angry. he turned off the car, and swung his car door open. he stumbled out and slammed the car door shut. "MAXINE. i thought i told you to fucking throw this peice of shit out!?" he yelled slurring his words. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" i screamed at him. "I TOLD YOU TO THROW THIS PEICE OF SHIT SKATEBOARD AWAY!" he yelled comming closer to me. he grabbed the collar of my shirt and pointed his finger in my face.

"you are a GIRL maxine. skateboarding is NOT for girls." he yelled. i glared at him almost feeling tears in my eyes. his eyes scanned me up and down, looking at my outfit. "god it's bad enough you act like a boy. you dress like one too." he scoffed. we made eye contact again, and i stared into his cold empty eyes. all i could see was hatred and anger. "what are you some sort of faggot maxine?" he asked me with pure anger and disgust in his voice. for some reason that immediately made me angry. i wasn't gay- well at least i didn't think so.. but that still pissed me off.

"fuck you neil." i mumbled as i hit his hand so he would let go off my shirt. i spun around to go back inside, but then i heard his voice. he sounded angry. more angry then i've ever heard him before. "the fuck did you just say to me?" he scoffed. i spun around and raised my hand giving him the middle finger. "fuck. you." i coldly said. before going back inside. i slammed the front door shut, and took a deep breath. for the first time in so long i felt a tear escape from my eye. i was so fucking angry and sad, and just a million emotions at once. i was about to go to my bedroom, before i felt a hand on my shoulder spin me around. i got greeted by neil's angry expression. his face was almost completely red. "you don't fucking disrespect me maxine. i am your fucking father and you WILL show me respect." he explained. he slurred his words, yet he still sounded really angry.

it honestly really scared me.

"no. i fucking hate you. go to fucking hell nei-"
before i could finish speaking, he raised his hand and swung down at me. it was quick enough for me to barley react. my face was already stinging, and i immediately started to shake. my hands were trembling as i attempted to push his hands off me of me, but he pushed me up against a wall and stared at me with pure disgust and hatred in his eyes. i could see my reflection in his eyes, and i looked terrified. i felt terrified. "answer the damn question maxine. are you some sort of faggot?" he asked me again. i felt another tear escape from my eye, as i shook my head no.
he stayed silent for a second, and then spoke. his voice was cold, and had zero emotion to it. "good."

i took a deep breath before speaking. "let fucking go of me neil. or i swear to god i will call the fucking cops on you." i threatened him. he let go of me and glared down at me. "you wouldn't fucking dare." he said. "watch me." i said glaring at him. i was about to reach for the phone, before i felt his hands slam across my face again. i fell back slightly from shock, as the spot he hit on my face begun to sting. one more final tear ran down my face before someone started to bang on the door. he looked at me with a confused expression. "the fuck did you do?" he asked me. "nothing i-" i mumbled trying to wipe away the tears. neil walked over towards the front door, and his confused expression dropped and got replaced with a happy loving one. he opened the door and saw our next door neighbour.

she greeted him with a smile and spoke. "hello, i was just wondering if you have any eggs? it's my daughter's ruby's birthday and i'm making a cake." she grinned. "uhm, yes of course mrs lane." he sighed softly walking into the kitchen. she looked over to me and smiled. "hi dear." she smiled. without responding i immediately ran to the bathroom before she could see that i was tearing up. plus neil would be back any second.

i ran into the bathroom and slammed the door shut and locked it. the feeling of his hands on my body lingered. more tears started to stream down my face, and i felt like my chest was gonna explode any second. i couldn't breathe, and i was almost hyperventilating. i needed to get the feeling of his hands off my body somehow- anyhow. i looked at my reflection in the mirror and i felt disgusted. my face was all red from crying, and my cheek was especially red from him slapping me. i just wanted to scream and scream. i just felt so fucking embarrassed. embarrassed of everything, my life, my family, my appearance, my personality. everything. i just hated myself so fucking much and just wanted to go away. i just wanted the pain to stop. i sat down on the edge of the bathtub and more tears ran down my cheeks.
i desperately looked around the bathroom to find anything to get my mind off of this. i just wanted to feel something, anything other then all of this disgust and pain i'm feeling right now.

(tw self harm)

my eyes drifted over to the counter, and on the counter i saw a pink razor you would use for shaving. without a second thought i grabbed it. i stared at it for a few seconds. staring at the blade to be exact. i took apart the razor, and took out the blades. i stared at the blade, debating wether or not to do it.
i mean.. it's not that big of a deal.. right..?
and if it would take my mind off of all of this- even for just a few seconds it would be worth it.

i rolled up my sleeve and held the blade to my arm. my heart started to beat faster and faster as i felt the cold metal agaist my bare skin. i took a deep breath and began to count backwards.
"three... two... one.."
once i hit one i slid the blade against my arm, causing a red line my wrist to appear. after a few seconds if began bleeding. my heart began to beat faster and faster. it hurt.. but i didn't care. i did it a few more times. well alot more times. i did it on both of my arms. i closed my eyes as i set down the razor blade and took a deep breath. i opened my eyes again and saw both of my arms covered in deep cuts and blood.

another tear rolled down my cheek as i became dizzy and my vision went black.