memories ~ elmax ~

pt. 21

max's pov:

el was staring at my arms in shock, and she almost had tears in her eyes. she looked up to me and tried to speak, but she was too confused and shocked to speak. she silently shook her head in denial as tears flooded her eyes. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE EL!" i screamed at her. she ignored me, and didn't leave. "w-what is that..?" she asked me as a tear rolled down her cheek. "ITS FUCKING NOTHING. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU PEICE OF SHIT!" i screamed at her. "no.. max what is going on? is that what i think it is..?" she asked me. "MIND YOU'RE OWN FUCKING BUISNESS!" i screamed once again as i quickly put on my hoodie and pushed passed her. "max you can talk to me! you clearly need help- i can help yo-"

"NO! you can't help me el! i'm so fucking fucked up there is no helping me! so get yourself out of fantasy land and leave me the fuck alone! it's fucking nothing! AND I DONT NEED FUCKING HELP!" i screamed. i don't know why, but i felt just so fucking angry. and the worst part, no matter how much i wanted to just calm down and stop screaming at el, i just couldn't. all of this anger i always get just comes out of.. well.. no where..

i ran downstairs and towards her front door, and tried to open it. fuck it's locked. i tried to twist the lock undone, but i couldn't figure it out, plus my hands were too shaky. el ran after me, and tried to speak, but i cut her off by screaming at her once again. "m-"
"HOW DO I GET THIS FUCKING DOOR UNLOCKED? UNLOCK THIS FUCKING DOOR!" i screamed at her, wanting nothing more to just leave. "i'm not telling you max. please just talk to me, i can help you." she said comming closer to me. at this point i was so fucking angry, scared, sad, and confused. everything was just too much. life is too much.

i could feel tears start streaming down my face, as i continued to scream, but not even i could understand what i was saying. i just need to get out of here as fast as i can. i pushed el away from me, and ran to the only other place i knew there was an outside door. i ran to her garage, and ran straight to the door. fuck, it was also locked with the same exact fucking lock. i spun around and el was there once again. she was comming closer to me, and saying something that i couldn't understand. she touched my arm, and that just made everything so worse. i just need some space, and to get out of here. and i don't need her trying to help me or talk to me. and i especially don't want to be touched right now, even if it's el. i immediately pushed her away from me, and grabbed the nearest thing i could find.

i grabbed the baseball bat off of the ground next to some other baseball gear, and raised it in the air. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" i screamed at her. she immediately stepped back, doing the common thing everybody does when they have a weapons pointed at them. "max, please just calm down. i just wanna help you, okay? please just let me help you." she calmly said. i could feel even more tears rolling down my cheeks, as i started to cry more. i just can't do this. i just can't do life. i dropped the baseball bat and i was just so fucking exhausted i could barley even stand up. i leaned up against a wall and slid down as i could feel even more tears rolling down my cheeks. "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so fucking sorry." i cried out as el practically ran to me and held me in her arms as i cried my eyes out.

"shhh, it's okay. it's okay. you're okay. you're safe, and you're okay.." she told me as she held me in her arms. "there's something wrong with me. there something so severely fucked up with me." i told her inbetween sobs. "no there's not.. you are okay, everything is gonna be okay.." she told me as i squeezed her arm that was wrapped around me. "you don't deserve me, you're so good to me and i'm ruining your life." i told her as i could feel even more tears rolling down my cheeks. "no, meeting you was the best part of my life. you are not ruining my life. i promise you." she told me. "don't fucking lie to me.. i know you're just trying to make me not feel bad. just like you're pretending everything that happened last night was okay.." i mumbled trying to hide my face because i knew how ugly i probably looked. "i'm not lying to you max. and about last night- you were high and drunk. i didn't think that was what you wanted.. i tho-"

"no! that's what i did want. it's what i do want. i like you el. i like you a lot.." i told her as i could feel even more tears streaming down my face. el looked away from me and stayed silent. "i think you need some rest. how about we just go watch tv or something else, okay?" she suggested to me, standing up. i stayed sitting on the ground leaned up against the wall, just crying. i haven't cried like this in a long time. i hadn't cried like this.. ever..
el looked over at me one more time, before leaving the garage, leaving me alone. i pulled my knees up to my chest and just started crying even more. i can't believe all of that just happened. el just found out my biggest secret, plus ontop of that, she found out i like her. fuck.

that moment there, was the worst moment of my entire goddamn life. i can't belive i just did that. i can't belive im actually that fucking stupid and enough of an idiot for that to all happen. i hate me so fucking much. i'm so fucking worthless. why can't i just fucking die already!? why can't i just be dead!?

i just want to fucking die.