memories ~ elmax ~

pt. 7

max's pov:

"come on come on.." i mumbled digging though our freezer to try to find an ice pack. my hand was killing me and ice might help. "shit.." i mumbled realizing there was no ice. i was about to shut the freezer door when i had an idea. i grabbed a frozen bag of peas and held it to my knuckles. it was really cold- but it did help. i sat down on the couch, since neil went to work, my mom also went to work, and billy was hanging out with his friends god knows where- so i guess that meant i was home alone. by now i had calmed down, but not entirely.. sure i no longer wanted to punch and destroy everything i saw- but i still kinda wanted to just scream. i could sorta breathe, but not entirely.. i removed the ice pack from my knuckles and they had dark red bruises already. i sighed. i don't get why my family could of just been a regular family.. a loving family with a two story house, a big backyard, a dog even- or just anything but this family.

my da- step dad hates me and makes me call him by his first name. but whatever i guess, i don't see him as a father figure anyways so it's just saving us both the trouble by me calling him neil, my stepbrother also hates me, and does not see me as his sister, my mom probably cares less about me. nobody has came to see me yet so i assume i have no friends, or no other family. it seemed like my life was terrible here. if my life is so terrible here i don't get why i couldn't just die. why couldn't i just have died in that car accident? why couldn't i just have never woke up from that coma? even if i did why did i have to loose my memory? im so fucking confused about everything, who everyone is, who i am. im just so fucking confused. but even more then that. im so fucking empty. why couldn't i have just died? what's the point of me even still being alive anymore?

~1 week later~

i was digging though the drawers in the kitchen desperately looking for some duct tape. a few days ago i decided i should try out the skateboard i had, and surprisingly im pretty good at it. exept yesterday when i went inside for a spilt second fo get some water, neil backed over my skateboard, so it broke in half. i of course was pissed especially because he refused to buy me a new one. apparently in his opinion 'girls are not supposed to ride skateboards'. what a load of billshit. my eyes lit up once i finally found the duct tape. "finally." i mumbled to myself as i grabbed the tape and ran back to my bedroom. the past week has been the worst week of my life. i still can't remember anything, exept for all the new memories i have made over this past week. i still feel so fucking empty inside and numb. but it's been getting worse. i can't feel anything but pure anger and sometimes sadness. i haven't cried since i got back from the hospital and it's so confusing.

i just want to feel something, anything at all. apparently my mom works a lot, she has two jobs to be exact. one day time one, and a night time one, so she's almost never home. but when she is home she's drinking or passed out drunk on the couch. i thought i would at least have her by my side, but i don't. neil is not home alot, so that's nice, but he is home every morning and night, and when he gets home he's always angry. him and my mom fight alot, and most of the time it's verbal, but sometimes if gets physical. whenever they fight i just look myself in my room, or sometimes i've been climbing out my window and just walking around. neil and billy also fight a lot, and every time they fight it always gets physical.

i try my best to avoid neil and billy, but it's hard. billy most of the time ignores me, but neil is always picking fights, and i'm so fucking tired of them. neil really scares me, especially when he's been drinking. he's never hit me before, well that i can remember.

i pick up my skateboard and sit down on my bed. i tore a long strip of the duct tape off, and place it along the giant crack in the middle of the skate board. i put a few layers of the tape, just to be safe. "that should do the trick.." i mumble to myself as i pick up my skateboard and examine it. it looked perfectly fine, and that was good enough for me.
i stood up in a hurry, and rushed outside with my skateboard underneath my arm. i threw down the board, and took a step on it. i kicked off with one foot, and went gliding down the driveway.

it was pretty windy outside, so my hair was flying all over the place. "ugh ew.." i mumbled flicking my hair over my shoulder. over the week i had just grown to hate myself and my appearance even more. nobody else i knew had red hair, well my mom had a similar colour hair, but if was not completely red. i often stayed up at night wondering who my father was. if neil was my step dad, then where was my real dad? wherever he lived it was probably a thousand times better then where i live. i bet that he cares about me alot more then my 'family' here.

but the more and more i thought about it, the less and less i was convinced he actually cared. if he did i would be living with him right now. i sighed. does nobody really care about me?

the overwhelming feeling of numbness and anger returned. it's like that was the only emotions i was capable of feeling and expressing. but at the same time i don't really know how to express how i'm feeling. well other then last week when i was really angry and pissed off i punched my tv- but that's besides the point. my chest always feels heavy, and i could almost never breath. well not literally.. but it's like something was weighing down on my chest. everything just felt like a thousand times bigger deal then it always is, and i'm just so fucking overwhelmed and angry. the best part is nobody even understands. i just woke up from a fucking coma and i don't remember anything, and everyone just expects me go back to my old life? i don't even know what my old life was like. i don't even know what the old me was like or if i'm even remotely the same person. im trying to be a person that doesn't even exist anyone and it's so fucking exhausting and draining.