memories ~ elmax ~

pt. 24

max's pov:

i can't fucking take this anymore, i can't fucking take life. everything is just too overwhelming,
i can't fucking feel shit unless i'm high or drunk,
i can't fucking do anything. fuck i can't even cry anymore. last night was the worse night of my life.
el found out i cut myself, and then i threatened her with a fucking baseball bat! how dumb can i be?
i wasn't thinking correctly last night.. and i saw the bat.. and i just wanted her away from me. then i tell her i have a crush on her. last night she was acting like everything was okay and perfectly fine, but this morning she left and hadn't talked to me. i don't know where she went and im scared if she's even coming back. she has to, right? she wouldn't leave me, right? no of course she would! she barley even knows me, why would she care?

she said she was gonna be home around 8:00pm, and it's 7:55pm. i know there is something so wrong with me, i like el but i keep pushing her away. one minute i'm calm, the next i'm so angry i just want so scream, then the next i'm sad. i don't want to get attached to el, i can't get attached to el, but that's what's happening. for the time i've known her i've tried everything in my power not to get attached, but that's what i am. it's like i'm addicted to her. obsessed. she's all i think about, yet sometimes i feel like i hate her. i hate her but i need her. i don't know what's wrong with me, but something is.

but i know how to fix this.

i know how to make my life and her life better.

i know how to make everything go away.

*tw self harm / suicide*

i picked up the razor blade and pulled down my sleeves. my heart was pounding as i stared at the fresh cuts i just put there not even a week ago, and took a deep breath. if i just hurry up and get this over and done with, i'll be happy. i'll be free. i won't have to live this fucked up life anymore.
i won't have to suffer anymore.
i could feel the cold metal against my skin, everything was going in slow motion, as i dug the razor deep into my skin and slid it downwards. i closed my eyes and i could feel a tear roll down my cheek. fuck this hurt, but it wouldn't for long. soon all my pain would be gone. i did it over and over again, each time i did it, the better i felt. the closer i was to death once again.

i could feel the blood running down my arm onto the floor, and i could feel myself going light headed.

suddenly i heard the front door open and el's voice. "MAX? are you ready? im just gonna grab johnathans candy bag quickly." i heard el yell out as i was becoming dizzier and dizzier. "max!?" i heard el call out again. i looked down at my arms which were drenched in blood, and felt another tear roll down my cheek as i started to panic.

i could hear foot steps walking down the hallway towards the bathroom, and el's voice getting louder. "max? are you in the bathroom?" she asked as she tried to turn the door handle. "i'm not comming  leave me the fuck alone!" i yelled at her, practically throwing myself against the bathroom door so she couldn't come in and see me. i just wanted her to go away. she stayed silent, but i heard foot steps walking away from the bathroom door, and then the front door slam shut. god, now her last memory of me is gonna be fucked up. whatever.

i held the blade to my skin once more, and did one final deep cut. my heart was pounding and i was shivering, my vision started to blur more and i fell to my knees, and i barley breathe as i felt another tear roll down my cheek and my vision went black.

all i could think of is finally..

finally im gonna be free.