These Violent Delights

Chapter 32: An Early Grave

Life wasn't that bad these days, all things considered.

Well, you were still the Supreme Leader's prisoner, but what did that even mean when you didn't live like one? You ate whatever you wanted, traveled to parts of the galaxy you had never even heard of before, and had every single need of yours met, and then some. Since that wild night on Canto Bight, one month ago now, Kylo made sure of that.

You tilted your face to the side, patting blush on your cheekbones as you hummed to yourself. Ever since the conversation on the balcony, and then your more...intimate time with him and his knights, you couldn't even say that you were behaving just to get ahead anymore. You sure as hell weren't doing it for the Resistance's benefit. No, fuck that. You were here because you could admit now that you liked him—even though he drove you fucking crazy most of the time—and because here on the Finalizer was the one place that didn't leave you devastatingly starved.

Everywhere else you had called home had always left you hungry for something. For affection, for acknowledgment. For sexual gratification and acceptance. For someone to look at you and actually see you. And since resources were often scarce in both Kanjiklub and the Resistance, with them, some days you were literally hungry. But not with Kylo. Your so-called enemy had given you more than you could ever ask for, including fulfilling your lifelong dream of learning how to fly—even if it had taken a little bit of work to get him to agree.

"Absolutely not," Kylo had said the first time you asked him with the biggest puppy eyes you could manage. "I teach you how to fly a starfighter, and the next thing I know, you're aiming missiles at my head as you escape Hangar Six."

You had tried everything to get him to change his mind—pouting, begging, bribing, asking him while he was inside you, but the Supreme Leader was firm in his decision. That was, until you explained the only reason why you hadn't learned with the Resistance was because of your ex. Drox said that you didn't have the patience or skill set needed to be a pilot, but he'd let you accompany him in the cockpit if you really wanted. There, he'd smile and pat your knee, saying something that made you want to throw up in your mouth each and every time.

"Just sit there and look pretty, babe."

Ha, yeah. After you told Kylo that, he looked even more enraged than the last time he Force-choked Hux. "He said that to you?"

Before you were even finished responding, Kylo had grabbed your hand to take you to the nearest shuttle. While you initially wanted to fly a TIE fighter, he said you had to work up to that—and not because you didn't possess the necessary patience or skills, but simply because he said that all pilots had to start somewhere, and TIE fighters were not for beginners. Since then, you had learned the basics of flying, but today was the day you started with starfighters. It's why you woke up with a pep in your step and why you'd been humming the last thirty minutes as you got ready—Kylo would be here any moment now to escort you to your lesson.

Tap, tap, tap.

Butterflies swarming in your stomach, you poked your head out of the refresher to call out to him. "One sec!"

You quickly looked back into the mirror, fussing with the two buns on either side of your head before smoothing out your First Order jumpsuit. Kylo had made sure that all your uniforms were tailored to your body, and they fit like a dream, ensuring that you felt and looked good.

TAP, TAP, TAP.

"Oh, for star's sake," you grumbled, flicking off the hololight as you rushed out of the refresher. "I'm coming!"

You ran to the front doors, not to enable his impatient behavior, but because you couldn't contain your excitement. Screeching to a halt, you jammed the pad of your thumb against the open button. "Hi," you breathed, flashing Kylo a smile the moment they opened. When you saw him masked and in his full gear, with a black bag in his hands, your shoulders slumped down as quickly as your mood. You knew what that meant. "You're leaving."

"Yes." His robes swiped at your ankles as he walked inside, the door shutting behind him. "First, I have something for you."

Blowing your cheeks up with an inhale, you let out a lazy puff of air and spun around, watching him stride into the kitchen. "When are ya going?"

"Now."

You frowned, moping as you followed him. "But we had a lesson."

"It will have to wait," came his distracted response as he tilted his mask down to his datapad. "I'm needed on assignment."

With a sigh, you leaned against the kitchen counter and studied him hovering by the dining table. Despite your disappointment, you marveled at the sight of him in his strikingly black ensemble, reeking of power and dominance even as he simply stood there. You weren't sure you'd ever get used to seeing the Supreme Leader like this, existing so casually in your space with his defenses entirely down. It was almost as jarring as waking up in his quarters most mornings, rolling over to see a cup of steaming hot tea on the bedside table. A man who had committed monstrosities, being so tender to you. You shivered.

"Come here," Kylo said, slipping his datapad back into his pocket. He picked the bag off the floor, setting it on the kitchen table. "I don't have long."

Wrapping your arms around your chest, you walked over to him and waited for him to acknowledge you. He didn't. "Umm..." you started, shifting your stance, "is everything okay?"

He still wouldn't look at you, fussing with the bag. "Yes."

You hesitated. You wanted to know what was going on, but you also knew that ignorance was bliss. Things had been great lately because you didn't discuss the fact that he had every intention to blow up the Resistance base—again. "Did you find Skywalker?"

Kylo made a point to stop what he was doing, raising his head to pin his mask on your face. "Do you swear fealty to the First Order?"

You rolled your eyes—he always said that if you asked something a little too nosy for his tastes. "No," you grumbled as you clunked into your seat, heavy with disappointment. You slumped forward and set your elbows on the table, cradling your chin with your palms. "Forget that I asked."

"Stop pouting," he said, his gloved hands sliding the bag across the table in your direction. "I got you a gift."

You looked at the offering, very pointedly nonreactive, then brought your eyes back to his mask. "Is it a TIE fighter?"

"No." Kylo was silent for a moment. "It's a kitten."

"What?" you blurted, sitting up straight as you reached for the bag. "There's an animal in there?"

A man of many words, Kylo said, "Yes."

First came the ecstasy. Then came the realization that the carrier looked solid, without any mesh to allow an oxygen flow, and that you hadn't heard the kitten meow once. "Kylo..." you started, stiffening as you looked up at his mask. "Cats need to breathe."

He remained silent for a moment, unmoving, as he kept his mask pointed down at you. "I know that cats need to breathe, Kitten," he said, with a stiffness that communicated all the things he wasn't saying. "Now, please, open your living, breathing present. I have to leave."

Excitedly biting your lip, you shot forward to find the zipper, clicking your tongue once you realized what it was. "Oh, I see. It's one of those fancy carriers with the temperature control inside," you said, shooting him a nervous glance as you worked on opening the secure design. "Ha. Got it. I hope you aren't too butthurt about the cats need to breathe comment. I know you know that. It's just, I thought this was, like, a regular bag, you know? It looks normal. Not like a carrier. But—"

You cut yourself off, gasping as you finally got the damn thing open. When you peeked inside, it was too dark to see, but you heard the tiniest, squeakiest, cutest little meow in the entire galaxy. Your brain short-circuited. Thoughts racing faster than your mouth could supply words, high-pitched squeals flowed through your lips as you gingerly reached inside, melting when the kitty fit into the palm of your hand.

"Oh my gods," you breathed, chest brimming with a tingling warmth. Small, fluffy, and black, you could die a happy woman right here and now—as long as you got to hold this little baby, you didn't care. With wide eyes and an emotional smile, you looked up at Kylo and whispered, "You got me a cat."

Kylo spoke quietly as he advanced, standing above you. "I did."

Grinning like an idiot, you gazed back at the little fur ball in your hands, repeating it to yourself in disbelief. "You got me a cat." When it meowed, you nearly died, beaming up at Kylo. "Apology accepted."

"We will reschedule the lesson," Kylo muttered, cupping your cheek with his hand. "I promise."

You leaned into his palm, your smile softening. "I know."

After a moment of sweet silence, he pulled his touch away, nodding toward the kitten. "What will you name him?"

Holding him up in the air to get a good look at him, you said the first thing that popped into your head. "Ani."

Kylo readjusted his stance beside you. "It's a boy."

"I know," you said, slyly peeking up at him. "It's short for Anakin."

Silence, then Kylo sighed as he left the kitchen. "I should have never given you Padme's diary."

"I could have told you that," you said, booping Ani's nose, triggering a brain aneurysm when he gave you a grumpy squeak. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod you're just the cutest thing in the universe!"

"I'm leaving. The cat's supplies will be delivered shortly," Kylo said, interrupting your mini freak-out, his footsteps crossing your room. "I'll see you in five days."

"Five days?" you repeated, swiveling your head around to look at him from the kitchen. He nodded, and you frowned. "Why so long?"

If you could see his face, you knew he'd be watching you with that arrogant, amused expression. "Do you swear fealty to the—"

You got to your feet, groaning. "That's not why I'm asking," you said, placing Ani back into his carrier before turning around, timidly approaching Kylo. "I was just curious about what you'll be doing in general, you know, the non-Resistance-related stuff."

"Right now, everything is Resistance-related." Kylo opened the doors and started to walk out, glancing at you from over his shoulder. "See you soon, Kitten."

Your heart dropped. In the name of ignorance is bliss, you knew you shouldn't say anything, but after a month of burning curiosity, words ripe with accusal fell out of your mouth before you could stop yourself. "Are pleasure houses considered Resistance-related, Supreme Leader?"

Halfway through the door, Kylo stopped. He turned to look at you. "What?"

Your eyes dropped to the floor, suddenly awkward as you stood far apart from him, playing with your fingers. You wished you hadn't said anything—how did one have the so, what are we? conversation with their captor?

Kylo came back inside. "What did you mean by that?"

"Nothing. I was kidding," you said quickly—too quickly. "Go, you're gonna be late," you hurried to add, trying to salvage the tense moment by stepping into him, planting a quick kiss on the side of his mask....which only made things weirder, you realized in horror as you spun around. Sure, the man had been lodged inside all your holes many times by now, but kissing him goodbye? That hadn't happened, not once. Wincing, you tried to keep it casual as you walked away. "See ya later. Feel free to bring me more gifts. I'm a size—"

His hand curled around your arm, tugging you back to him with a biting demand. "Tell me."

You shrunk as he towered over you, the visor of his mask tipping down to your face. You wanted to drop it, but it was too late. You fucked up and said something, and now Kylo—no, now the Supreme Leader would never let it go.

"I don't know," you said with an exhale, backing away to slump against the wall. "It's just...you're gone for a few days every week, and after Canto Bight, I have a better idea of what you and your knights do during downtime. That makes me a little uncomfortable, considering what we do when you are here."

Kylo didn't say anything at first. Then, his starchy body language spoke for him. "Ah. I see."

You blinked. You weren't expecting him to respond like that. You waited for him to offer you reassurance that he hadn't been fucking random people while he was away, but all that transpired between you was silence. A pit opened up in your stomach. "Great, glad to hear you get it," you quipped, turning around to hide the warmth slithering up your neck. "Bye, Kylo. Have fun."

The doors slid closed as you approached the dining table, and for a hopeful moment, you thought he had left you alone so you could be embarrassed in peace.

But then he said your name. "Look at me."

"Nah, I'd rather not," you said, feigning a pleasant tone as you checked on Ani, desperate to ignore Kylo's presence looming behind you. He said your name again—this time with more authority—but you kept your back to him, your posture rigid. You didn't want to talk to him. You felt stupid for even mentioning anything at all, especially when he was the one that encouraged you to talk about your feelings, just for it to bite you in the ass.

"The last time I visited a pleasure house was with you, Kitten." There was a heavy thud before Kylo spoke again, this time with an unmodified voice. "You caught me off guard. That's why I responded the way I did."

"Kay."

There was a moment of hesitation. "You think I'm lying to you."

"I don't," you said lightly, ignoring him as he closed in.

Kylo waited to speak until he was situated directly across from you. "You do."

You still wouldn't look at him. "I don—"

"You do. Stop it," Kylo interrupted, following the curve of the table to eliminate the space between you. "Tell me why."

You rolled your head back to groan, then linked your impatient gaze with his. "Can we just drop it, please? We aren't together together, so I have no right to be mad at whatever you're doing. So really, let's move on. I'd rather not know."

"There's nothing for you to know," he said through a tense jaw. "Why won't you believe me?"

You tried to maintain eye contact, but the scrutiny of his gaze chipped away at your mask of stubbornness, forcing you to look back down at Ani. Muttering, you felt like climbing into the nearest black hole. "I don't know what to believe."

When Kylo spoke next, he softened his tone. "There's more to this, isn't there?"

You tensed, your fingertips pressing into the tabletop as you considered what to do. You could deny it or stay angry or just walk away, but falling back into that pattern felt like a betrayal to yourself. With a sigh, you planted your ass down on the chair and croaked out the truth. "Yes."

As you kept your eyes locked on Ani playing with the zipper of the carrier, Kylo crouched at your feet. "I'm listening."

"I've been trying with this whole wall thing. I really have. But I just...it's hard," you said, glancing at him. You swallowed, quickly tilting your face away when frustrated tears welled in your eyes. "The words get stuck in my throat, or they come out wrong, and even if I did know how to ask you, I don't know if I want to know the answers to my questions."

Kylo remained quiet but placed a heavy hand on your thigh. He waited for you to take a few shaky breaths before speaking. "Let me help."

You lifted your eyes to his face. You knew what he meant—whenever he offered assistance, it was always with the Force. You scooted to the edge of the seat, silently giving him permission as you dropped your gaze to your lap. He readjusted his weight beside you, getting closer and lifting two fingers to your temple to pull forth a flood of visions and feelings. With a bit of resistance, he delved deeper into your mind, tapping into what had been gnawing away at you: when and how did this end? Would he grow bored of you and simply let you go, or would it end the way it started—in violence?

You would still escape the moment you had the chance to, but in the interim, you couldn't deny how much you'd enjoyed being fed. Intellectually, physically, sexually—the list went on and on. And deep down, it wasn't just what you got out of this that made you want to stay. You did feel connected with him. But how long would that last? Would it wane over time? What if it weakened for him but not you? Then what happened?

Then, as he spiraled deeper into your trench of insecurities, you showed him the part that scared you the most. The part that made you feel jealous, and therefore stupid and embarrassed for feeling jealous. But you couldn't help but wonder what Kylo did while he was on assignment. Was he lying about the pleasure houses, just to keep you complacent here, stuck inside your quarters all day as he did whatever and whomever he wanted?

And even if he was telling the truth, what about the other prisoners before you? Kylo had said there were no other enemies like you—indicating you were special—but was that just right now? How far down the list were you? How many had woken up in his bed in the early hours of the morning as he did push-ups in the dark? How many kittens and vibrators and lingerie sets had he picked out over the years? That list also went on and on. It kept you up at night.

As those thoughts came to a close, Kylo pulled his hand away and stood up. "Hm," he hummed, grabbing the chair across the table and dragging it next to yours, the resounding screech sending Ani scrambling back inside his carrier. Sitting down and leaning back, he stretched his legs out in front of him, watching you with a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Do you remember your sixth day here?"

After digesting his peculiar question and demeanor, you spoke up with a soft, unsure voice. "No, not really."

Kylo tilted his face to the side, his gaze drifting aimlessly to the kitchen. He spoke with a thoughtful quietness. "I do. I can recall everything that happened in great detail. I let you out of your restraints and offered to take you back to my chambers. You had a meltdown, and I felt bad for you." His contemplative eyes found your face again. "Do you remember now?"

You frowned as it came back to you. The way he spoke about it made it seem like a fond memory for him, but it wasn't. Not for you. "Yes," you said, clearing your throat when your voice broke. "I remember now."

Kylo nodded. "Well, after that, I had a breakdown of my own. I went to a nameless, hole-in-the-wall bar on Rishi that runs a brothel in the back. It's horrible—the whole place is falling apart, the drinks are watered down, and the owner is a piece of shit," he said, shaking his head in disgust. "I'll spare you the details. But despite its shortcomings, I preferred places like that over Pryka's. There, I could leave my responsibilities at the door. There, I didn't have to be the Supreme Leader. I didn't have to be anyone at all."

"Kylo..." you said, shifting in your seat, growing uneasy. You were already swimming in envy. You didn't want to hear about his favorite brothel. "Why are you telling me this?"

He leaned forward to place his forearms on his knees, watching you with a gravity you could feel in your bones. "Because that night, I went there with the intent of cleansing you from my system. It was the best solution I could think of to stop thinking about you. But when the owner brought out a girl for me, I felt sick to my stomach. Not because something was wrong with her. Not because I didn't need release. But because she wasn't you, my enemy," he said, emphasizing the word with a twist of his mouth and a diminutive shake of his head, as though he still couldn't believe it. "If I felt that way about other women six days into taking you...how do you think I feel about them now?"

You dropped your gaze to his boots, unable to handle his intensity. "I...I don't know."

Kylo tsked as he stood up and stepped forward, invading your space. "Ah, I think you do, but you want to hear me say it, don't you?" You didn't trust yourself to respond, blushing at just how well this man knew you. After a prolonged silence, Kylo gently cupped your throat to slant your head back, coaxing you into looking up at him. "Hm?"

You trembled, your pulse thrumming against his gloved palm as you were forced to take the heat of his penetrative stare. You had been in this position many times since Canto Bight—Kylo standing over you, his hand on your throat or on the top of your head as you took him in your mouth. But this? Unlike the other times, you were both fully clothed, and yet, nothing had felt as intimate as this moment right now. All you could manage was a minuscule nod.

Kylo released a rough sigh. "Gods, I love this side of you," he muttered, bringing both hands to your face, his thumbs caressing you with soft strokes. He cocked his head to the side, watching you in a way that stirred embers of lust in your lower belly. "So stripped bare, just for me."

You pulled in a deep breath, closing your eyes. "Please say it, Kylo," came your broken whisper, leaning into him as you trembled at the touch. "Please."

And just like that, the pitch in Kylo's voice changed, altering into something deeper, more powerful, akin to the voice of conviction he used as he spoke as the Supreme Leader. "Because you're mine." He added your name. "You're all mine. No one compares to you. No one has ever compared to you. Do you understand?"

Thump, thump, thump. Besides the painful pounding of your heart, the silence ate away at you. This was what you had wanted, but now that he said those words aloud, you felt frozen with fear—what was one to do, when your captor made you feel a way you never had before? It took everything out of you to swallow the porg-sized lump in your throat and respond. "Yes."

"Good." With a terse nod of his head, he abruptly crouched at your feet again, pinning his assured gaze on your face. "I know you're already at your limit, but you need to know I have had thousands of prisoners, Kitten. Thousands. Old men, young women...very pretty women, just like you." Jealousy striking again, you wanted to turn away from him, but Kylo's authoritative tone demanded your attention. "But unlike you, they were also very agreeable. Begging, crying, bartering...the lengths they were willing to go to satisfy me were indefinite. They had no bounds, no shame in offering themselves to me, and that was just in hopes that I'd let them out of their restraints."

Your heart stuttered in your chest as you struggled to maintain eye contact, trying to keep up with the emotional whiplash of this goddamn conversation. "Is this supposed to make me feel better, or...?"

"You're not understanding," Kylo said with an impatient shake of his head, shifting his weight on the balls of his feet. "Despite their pleading to lay them down on my bed and take what I wanted, not once was I even remotely tempted. Before you, the only thing I took from a prisoner was their last breath as I laid them down into an early grave." Maintaining eye contact, he stood up, staring down at you from the tip of his nose. "Every. Last. One."

As he hovered above you, you were too stunned to speak, trying to absorb everything he just said without fucking exploding. You knew that Kylo didn't have any prisoners like you at the moment, but to know that he had killed every last one? A shiver shot down your spine. You didn't know if you should feel special or terrified.

He gave a concise shake of his head. "No—don't be afraid. No matter how this ends, I won't hurt you," he said, matter-of-factly. His eyes explored your face, his gaze softening. Using the back of his hand, he grazed your cheek and murmured, "I can't."

You sucked at your bottom lip as you looked up at him. He had been right—you were at your limit right now, but you whispered the one question you needed to know. "How does this end?"

After a beat of silence, Kylo broke away from you, turning to snag his helmet off the counter. "That is up to you."

You just stared at the back of him, expecting him to elaborate. "What?" you asked when he didn't offer an explanation, your eyes following him as he exited the kitchen. "You're the one that has control here, not me."

"Something that is also up to you," came his cryptic response, raising his voice as he headed toward the exit. "Even as a prisoner, you're more in control than you know, Kitten."

You froze, a blip of optimism passing through you. What the hell is this man smoking? You heard the front door open and you scrambled to stand up. "Wait!" you called out, throwing a quick glance at the table—making sure Ani was still alive in that damn carrier—before following him into the living room. "What does that mean?"

"It means you're only a prisoner because you're on the wrong side of war," he said, turning to face you. "Swear fealty to the First Order, to me, and that will change."

"Kylo..." you started, posture stooping as your energetic tread turned into a defeated traipse. It felt like someone had let all the air, and hope, out of you. "You know I won't ever do that."

"And why not?" he pressed, meeting you in the middle of the room. He looked you up and down, shaking his head in a show of emphasized confusion. "The Resistance left you to die twice now. Do you still have loyalty for them?"

You shifted your stance. "Well, no—"

"And you've been quite happy here with me, correct?"

"Well, yeah, but—"

"Then think about it while I'm away," he cut you off, voice low and urgent as he closed the space between your bodies, his hand finding the small of your waist. "Can you do that for me?" You drew in a slow breath, about to tell him no, but Kylo gave you a squeeze and added, "Please?"

You rolled your eyes, the smallest of smiles finding your lips. He only used that word when he really, really wanted something. "Fine."

"Excellent," he quipped, dipping down to place a kiss on your forehead. It was quick and innocent, but it was enough to make your head spin even after he turned away from you. "I'll be on Exegol for five days."

You followed him to the door, working to catch your breath before responding—you didn't want him to know how his minute gesture made your knees weak, or how ecstatic you were that he told you where his assignment was. "Exegol...as in that place that lets our minds have a playdate with that vergence thingy?"

"Yes," he said as he stepped through the doorway. He slipped on his helmet, changing his voice to a deep, modified rumble. "I'll be near the vergence thingy."

You sighed, propping against the doorframe as you watched his tall, dark presence spill into the bright corridor like matte black paint. It was a shame he had to leave—you were craving his presence even more now, knowing what you meant to him. But what does he mean to me? came the annoying voice in the back of your head. How can this feel so right, when everything about this is so wrong? When that familiar sense of unease trickled into your mind, you were relieved that his departing words offered a distraction.

"Be good for my knights, Kitten."

"Don't count on it," you sang out, causing him to stall at the end of the corridor. You waited for him to set his mask on you to give him a sweet smile. "Daddy."

Half-turned toward you, his stiff fingers twitched by his side before giving a single nod, approval in his voice. "Atta girl."

Kylo faced forward again, finally taking his leave. Loneliness took hold of you as soon as he was out of sight. You closed the door, and just as you were about to engage in a whole day of moping around your quarters, you remembered that you had a kitten. Bolting to the kitchen, you crouched down to look into the carrier, a warm, fuzzy feeling sprouting in your stomach when Ani meowed at you.

"Aw, come here, little guy," you murmured, reaching in to grab him. Your feelings of isolation eased as you picked him up, holding him against your chest. "Let's go watch a movie, shall we?"

With your new companion keeping you distracted, the rest of the day seamlessly bled into night. You didn't do much—ate, set up the cat supplies the droid delivered, napped, took a bath, ate some more, and now you were watching your favorite holodrama, Space Battles, as you laid in bed with Ani. While you were still bummed you didn't have your flying lesson today, there was something refreshing about being completely and utterly alone. This way, you could lounge around in one of Kylo's shirts, make-up free with messy, uncooperative hair, doing whatever the hell you wanted.

You yawned, instinctively peering through the porthole across the room to get a gauge on the time. Unfortunately, just like every time you did this, the black abundance of space offered you absolutely no indication of whether it was 5 PM or 5 AM. But as another wave of fatigue hit you, you decided you didn't care if it was too early to sleep. There was no one here to tell you what to do, and after all, you were so, so cozy under this velvety soft, heavy comforter, with your high socks and Ani curled up on your pillow...

You were just drifting off when there was a very loud, very rude knock at your door. Scowling, you opened one eye and yelled, "Who's there?"

Silence.

You raised your voice. "Um, hello?"

Tap, tap, tap.

"Oh, for star's sake," you mumbled, forcing yourself to roll out of bed. "Who is it?"

Taptaptaptaptap—

You groaned as you cut through the living room. "You better be armed, whoever you are! 'Cause I'm gonna kick your—" After opening the door, the words died in your throat, and the blood drained from your face. "Vicrul."