These Violent Delights

Chapter 9: The Missing Piece

It felt like a lifetime before Leia finally addressed you, enabling you to take your eyes off her son. When you looked at her, her face was full of sympathy. "I am sorry for what I have done to you. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"What do you mean?" Your brows pulled together. "What did you do to me?"

Leia's frame shrunk with shame. "It's complicated, please—"

"It's not!" Kylo shouted, spit flying from his mouth. "Tell her how Luke placed a destabilizer inside her to ruin me! Admit that you set her up!"

"You set me up?" you asked quietly, stepping forward. But even if the howling wind hadn't drowned out your wounded voice, Leia wouldn't have answered. She had already moved to face her real child without a second glance at you. You wrapped your arms around your torso, holding yourself tight as a pang of hopelessness shot through you.

Leia put her hands on her hips. "You really think I'd use a destabilizer on my own son?"

"Yes, just as Luke would use the diseased kyber crystal against me!"

Leia jolted back. "What? Why would you think that?"

"Enough. Don't play dumb with me, Mother. I know Luke is back to take me down, to drain me of my powers!"

"He would never do such a thing," Leia said with a bite to her tone, her flinty eyes narrowing at him. "That crystal rose from the embers of evil, from Palpatine. If it ever came into our possession, we would destroy it at once."

Kylo was quick to respond with anger, but you couldn't keep up—you were too busy trying to decode what the fuck Leia had said. Diseased kyber crystal? Palpatine? How am I part of any of this? You darted your gaze between them as they argued, but nothing they said sounded familiar to you. "Please, can someone tell me what's going on?" you interrupted, but neither of them reacted to you. Your posture deflated, frustrated tears welling in your eyes. "Hello?"

"I don't believe a word you're saying," Kylo shot back. "Why else would he have returned right after we posted the bulletin? Why else would he have made the call from Batuu, home of the most famed antiquities shop? Why else—"

"Ben, listen to me," Leia cut him off, gripping her hands together to beg. "You're right, Luke did emerge the day after the First Order sought the public's help to find the crystal, but only because he saw it as a tool to get you two together," she said, waving an exasperated hand toward you. "That is why he was on Batuu. It was a safe place to submit the tip to the Order—to get you two together. Not because he wanted to find the crystal and use it against you."

"Fine. Keep lying to me. I do not care," he snapped. "None of this will matter when I find him and kill him!"

Besides the soft patter of rain, silence encompassed the three of you. Kylo simmered in his rage as Leia focused on him, heartbreak on her face, while you watched both of them, impatiently tapping your foot. "Umm, excuse me, can we back up a second?" you said, and they both turned, finally acknowledging your existence. "You put something inside of me to talk to your estranged son? Am I hearing this correctly?"

"Yes, you are," Kylo said tightly, pinning his dark eyes on you. "You were set up. You were used. She used you."

You looked helplessly at Leia, waiting for her to explain, to tell you it wasn't true, but she kept her eyes downcast in resignation. With a knot in your throat, you waved a defeated hand in Kylo's direction. "Does that mean you sent me to Groman's, knowing the Supreme Leader would be there at the same time?"

Leia finally met your gaze, giving you a grim nod. "Yes."

To your left, Kylo scoffed, the anger pouring out of him like blood from a wound, but your indignation gave way to sadness. The world darkened, thick, mountainous clouds swallowing the last blip of light in the sky as tears welled in your eyes.

Leia said your name, taking a desperate step toward you. "Please—"

"They're torturing me here, General," you cut her off, voice wavering. "How could you do this to me?"

Leia put her hands up, pain twisting her features. "I never wanted you to get hurt. Luke tried to place the beacon so it would be easily accessible, so that—"

"Enough!" Kylo yelled, and as though his booming voice was too loud, too full of emotion for this place to bear, the sky split apart with a crack of lightning. "Do not lie to her any more than you have, and do not lie to me. I know this is a destabilizer, not a beacon!"

The ground shook, and you stumbled back, looking at the buckets of rain pouring from the fissure above. Thunder roared all around you as Kylo continued to yell, his mother raising her voice to match his tone. You clamped your hands over your ears. It was loud, and shrill, but most of all, it was painful. You didn't need to hear them arguing about what they put inside you. That didn't matter. All that mattered was the knowledge that Leia used you. And that fucking hurt.

"Ben, look at me!" Leia shouted with such authority that even you gave her your attention. Kylo stopped yelling and began to pace, Leia's eyes tracking his movements as she gestured toward you. "We are in her mind. If Luke used a destabilizer, this would be impossible. Think about it—only a beacon could nurture this bond. A destabilizer could not. You are not thinking clearly, still."

"No," Kylo blazed, water splashing at his feet as he moved with taut strides. "A beacon doesn't explain my obsession with her! This fucking incessant need to see her, to be with her!"

Obsession? Incessant need to be with me? you thought to yourself, your head spinning as you watched him fume. What the fuck is he talking about?

"Wait, just listen," Leia begged, putting her hands up and taking small, brave steps toward him. "You sensed a variant of Luke's Force signature but could never pinpoint its source or even decipher what you felt. That's enough to drive any powerful Force-user crazy, a similar sensation to a destabilizer. That is why you feel this mayhem, and I take responsibility for that. I am sorry." She paused before nodding in your direction, lowering her hands to clasp them in front of her. "But the compassion you feel for her? The lust, the infatuation? Those are your feelings, and yours alone."

Lust, infatuation? Your eyes bore into the back of Kylo's head, waiting for him to turn around and deny what she was saying, to tell you his mother was unhinged for suggesting such a thing. But the way his back stiffened as he avoided you, revealed it to be an unbelievable truth.

"That...that can't be right," Kylo said, but even to you, his voice didn't hold conviction. He looked between the two of you before pointing an accusing finger at his mother. "This is manipulation from you, from Luke!"

Leia shook her head. "Search your feelings, Son. Now that you're in contact with the beacon, the Force can offer you clarity. Let it."

Besides Kylo's erratic breathing and the rain splattering on the lake, several agonizing moments passed in silence. Leia kept an anticipatory gaze on him, but Kylo eventually turned to you, his nostrils flared and eyes wild. Your heart jumped to your throat. That intoxicating attraction you felt toward him urged you to get closer, but the murder in his eyes kept you frozen in place. You couldn't even look away until he broke eye contact first.

"Why?" he asked Leia, raising his chin and shaking his head. "Why?"

"You shut me out from the Force. I had no other choice, I—"

"No," came his harsh interjection. "Tell me why you are here. What could you possibly have to say to me?"

Leia glanced between both of you, taking a deep breath. "I...I wanted to see you before it was too late. I don't have much longer in this universe."

As the wind pulled her robes back, showing just how frail and sickly she was, conflict twisted in your gut. You felt betrayed by this woman, but you also couldn't deny the maternal attachment you had to her—something her actual child didn't seem to relate to.

"You're dying," he said, emotionless and cold.

"Yes."

"Of?"

"They don't know," Leia uttered, giving a sad smile. "Chewie thinks it's from a broken heart, just like your grandmother."

Kylo paused for a moment. "And?"

"And...I wanted to see you. That's all."

"Well, I don't want to see you."

Helplessness flickered across her face. "Son, please—"

"I already grieved the loss of my mother long before this," Kylo cut her off with exaggerated, bitter enunciation. "This makes no difference to me."

Leia was quiet for a moment, her wise, brown eyes searching his face, before giving a sad nod. "You are too angry with me to feel anything else. I understand, and I don't blame you."

"Unbelievable," Kylo snarled. "Every living thing starts to die the moment they are born. You put me and her through this just to tell me something I already know?"

Before Leia could respond, you stepped forward and let out an incredulous scoff. "You think you've suffered?" you asked Kylo through a condescending smile. "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm the one being tortured. I'm the one that was sacrificed by someone that called me family—"

Leia spoke over you. "I did not sacrifice you."

Mouth agape, you looked at her with raised brows. "Oh, yeah? Then what is this? Why are we having a conversation in my head right now?"

"It was my only option, please—"

"Uhhh, ever heard of a datapad, General? A subspace transceiver?" you said, bitterness dripping from your every word. "Yeah, those things don't require turning my brain to mush just to talk to your crazy-ass son."

She took a deep, controlled breath. "As I said, it's more complicated than that."

"Banthashit. I don't need to be a Jedi to know that you took me in because it would be easier for you to sacrifice me, a stranger, instead of someone you actually cared about."

"You are not a stranger. Not to me and not to him," Leia asserted, gesturing to Kylo. "You are important to us. More than you could possibly know. And that is the real reason why I sent you."

Under her pointed gaze, you fell quiet as Kylo stepped forward, his brow pulling down quizzically. "I was right. She does have a history with you, with Luke."

"I promise this will all make sense one day," Leia told you gently, before facing Kylo. "Yes. She has a history with all of us. I have been looking for her ever since you burned the temple. The scouts I sent out to look for Luke...well, they were looking for her, too. But by the time you killed your father, I had given up. Then, when my fighters found her the same day I heard about Starkiller's reconstruction, I knew it was fate. It was time to reunite you two. That's why I wanted her to go to Exegol—to find Luke so he could instill the beacon. But he refused and fled before we had the chance to send her. But, as you know, he changed his mind and here we are."

"Reunite us?" you asked, but Kylo's building anger swallowed your words whole.

"Why were you looking for her? Who is she?"

"A part of you already knows who she is. Go on, think about how you got here," Leia said, motioning to the endless, shallow lake. "Below all that defiance and anger, she has a safe space. Where is it?"

You shifted in discomfort as Kylo's eyes darted across your face. His expression was stone-cold at first, but then his nostrils flared and his jaw tensed. "Vader's Retreat on Coruscant."

"Yes, the one drop of nature in an otherwise gray world." Leia made a noise of amusement, shaking her head. "Even Ididn't know where my father's meditation fortress was located. Leave it to eleven-year-old you to find it. Your curiosity always took you to the strangest places."

Silence followed as Leia and Kylo stared at each other—seemingly without hostility—but you were still waiting for an explanation. "Yeah, sorry to break up this adorable little family reunion, but uh, can one of you tell me what the fuck is going on?"

Leia's amused eyes found your face. "The safe place in your mind, my dear, with the wildflowers and lake and pyramid...that was Anakin's fortress. Decades later, we found a journal full of detailed accounts of his time spent there, but we didn't know its location. Not until Ben found the ruins near your orphanage on Coruscant."

You glanced at Kylo, who was staring at you with guarded eyes, giving nothing away. Your head spun. You didn't understand what she meant, but like the final pieces of a puzzle coming together, something inside of you clicked. The boy you felt safe with, the boy you felt whole with, had been Kylo once upon a time.

"That was real?" you asked, a seed of excitement blossoming in your chest as you looked at your captor. "You're the boy with the brown eyes in the meadow? The one chasing me through the temple?"

Leia answered for him. "Yes, sweet girl. That entire summer, you two were inseparable," she said, smiling as she walked toward you. "I was serving the New Republic at the time. My job was to reinstate equal opportunity policies in Core World orphanages, and I brought Ben along. The day we touched down on Coruscant, you had just arrived from Jakku. You were sitting in the back with your hands around your knees—just a tiny, frightened thing—and in a room full of four hundred children, Ben went straight to you. Do you remember that?"

Your eyes drifted to Kylo, then back to Leia, giving her a small shake of your head. "No. I don't remember much of my childhood."

Her forehead crumpled in sympathy. "That's because you didn't have a childhood," she said, grabbing your hands. In this dream world, she was just a whisper of a touch, but you could still smell her scent of cedar wood and jasmine. "I'm so sorry. Please, believe that I wanted to take you home with us, but Luke wouldn't allow it. Your connection was too strong with Ben, and stuck in his Jedi ways, he didn't want to risk the attachment."

Before you could even process whatever the fuck that meant, Kylo's bitter voice rang out from behind her. "She may not be able to sense that you're lying, Mother, but I can."

Leia closed her eyes and took a deep breath before turning around. "I am not lying. That was part of Luke's reasoning."

"But not all of it," he said, his chest heaving with quick, controlled breaths. "Tell me why."

"Too much time has passed—his reasons are now irrelevant," Leia said, raising her chin. "All that matters is that you're back together."

"You think because we held hands together as kids in some fucking field that she'll turn me? Is that it?" Kylo said, incredulous. He spat out a scoff. "You've always been desperate, General Organa, but now you've grown delusional in your old age."

"No. I'm not trying to turn you," Leia said sharply. "I know you will have a hard time believing this, but I sent her to you for your own good. You need her. She is the key, Ben. She always has been."

"The key to what!" he shouted, sending shock waves below your feet. "All this talking and you have yet to deliver any answers!"

"The key to the question that keeps you up at night," Leia asserted, walking closer to her son. "You know the one. Go on, say it—to me, to her. I know she's curious as to why you haven't killed her yet. Why you can't kill her."

You glanced at Kylo and immediately shrunk back. His hair blew wildly in the wind, accentuating the tension he held in his jaw and the way his eyes blazed with wildfire. He looked livid, but that didn't stop his mother from approaching him.

"Fine. I will be the one to say it," she said, stopping in front of him. "You ask yourself why you feel incomplete after everything you've done, after everything you've sacrificed. You gave the darkness all you had, expecting everything in return, yet, something is still missing. Every night, desperate to sleep, you struggle to identify what has long evaded you." Leia gestured in your direction, and they both glanced at you. "And then you found it, the missing piece, but no matter what you do... you can't seem to make it fit. Not yet. Not until something changes. And that, my son, is the true reason why you've gone mad."

Kylo made a detached sound, his voice low and mocking. "You really expect me to believe that my answer to all my problems is an exiled Kanjiklub assassin? A stupid little Resistance rat? A nobody destined to die after I destroy this beacon?"

"You will not kill her. Stop lying to yourself," she scolded, raising her voice. "The connection between you two...it's bigger than you, Ben. Bigger than the Force and life itself."

Like someone lit a match, Kylo erupted. "DO NOT CALL ME THAT!" he raged, grabbing his lightsaber to ignite it, thrusting it in her face. "YOU ARE WRONG! I WILL KILL HER AND YOU, AND LUKE, AND EVERY LAST RESISTANCE FIGHTER IN THE GALAXY!"

With the terrible, harsh glow of Kylo's blade dancing across his mother's face, Leia's features hardened. "Luke was right, you are not ready for this," is all she said, before turning away from him.

Kylo followed after her. "YOU CAN RUN, BUT I WILL FIND YOU! I WILL BURN EVERYTHING YOU LOVE TO THE GROUND!"

Leia's form was already starting to dissipate, but as she looked at him, you could see the tears in her eyes. "May the Force guide you, and protect you in ways I could not," she choked out. Then, as she dissolved into nothingness, her raw, emotional voice wrapped around you, sending shivers down your spine. "I love you, Son. Take care of her."

A menacing sound tore from Kylo, and as he spun toward you, you were thrown sideways into the shallow water. "Help!"you yelled into the abyss, but no one was there to help you. Leia was gone, and all that remained was a deteriorating landscape and a gaping void in your chest.

You desperately shut your eyes, hopeful for death, but they flew open when Kylo's lightsaber vibrated above you. He stood over you, his eyes full of wrath, as he gripped his weapon. "The day I can kill you..." he started, bringing his hands above his head, "is the day I will know peace again."

Kylo swung down with full force and you hurried to cover your face, but his lightsaber sizzled next to you as it cut through the water's surface. The ground began rumbling and shaking harder, and as the deafening reverberations of splitting wood and snapping roots surrounded you, thick cracks opened across the bottom of the lake. The water whooshed and carried you away as it drained through the crevices, and you struggled to stand up, realizing the sky was washing away with you.

"Please!" you yelled, blindly reaching for your captor. But when you caught a glimpse of him, standing still and strong and tall amongst a shaking, collapsing world, the air evaporated from your lungs.

"I was right...important..." came a familiar voice as you slipped deeper through the fissures. The weight of the water crushed you, pushing you down into the wet, dark soil until you came out on the other side, falling into nothingness. Down, down, down you went, and for a brief moment, you were hopeful you'd land in the grass again where you could run freely with the younger version of Kylo, giggling in the wildflowers. Where you felt safe. But when you finally stopped falling, your back connected with something hard and cold.

Your eyes flew open as you gasped for air, attempting to purge the phantom water in your lungs. Defeat washed over you when you felt restraints against your wrists and ankles. You didn't end up in your happy place. You were in Sector 45B, those same voices swirling all around you, angry, livid voices ringing out over the sound of someone pacing frenetically beside you.

"Who is she, sir?"

You heard your name. At least, you thought you did. You were floating far away as you slipped in and out of consciousness, ebbing and flowing in sync with your slowing pulse. Zaps of residual pain found you every now and then, but for the most part, you were numb. You were barely even there. The only thing keeping you in that room, on that table, was bits and pieces of their fast-paced conversation, jumbling chaotically in your head.

"As children...bonded...Vader's Temple..."

"Organa...clueless...lying..."

"Yes...Luke...acting alone..."

"Do you...dispose of her, Master?"

"No, I...leave us."

"Yes, Master Ren."

Your head flopped to the side, your eyelids heavy and drooping as the blurry forms of the knights scattered across your sight. You blinked for what felt like half a second, but they were gone when you opened them again. You were about to nod off when a modified voice said your name from behind you, sending a surge of panic through your veins.

Your bloodshot eyes locked on Kylo Ren's mask peering down at you. "No, no," you croaked, trying to twist away from him. "You...you..." You promised me, you finished in your mind.

"I will not hurt you," Kylo said, and while the sentiment should have made you feel better, the lack of emotion in his voice made you feel worse. "I am a man of my word."

You didn't believe him. You just wanted to die. "K-k-kill me," you stuttered through a trembling lip. "P-p-please."

"Quiet," he ordered as he moved to the center of the table. He unclipped your wrists and ankles. "You need to save your strength."

You let out a panicked sob. "N-n-no—"

"Shhh," Kylo hushed, placing his arms under your body. He lifted you up like you were weightless, and although his touch was gentle, it stoked the flames that lingered on your skin. "Let's get you to bed."

You wanted to fight him, to demand that he put you down, but you could only collapse into yourself, settling further in his grasp. You kept your hands close to your chest to avoid touching him, but your cheek tapped against him with the rhythm of his movements. It made you feel nauseous, as did the residual memories from the deepest part of your psyche. Like trying to recall a dream, you couldn't remember exactly what had happened, and the harder you tried, the more your head hurt.

It only worsened as he carried you through the central part of the ship. The buzz of First Order personnel, the roar of TIE fighters taking off, the bright lights, marching Stormtroopers, the officers' orders blaring over the intercom...all the sounds of the dreadnought seemed to originate within your skull, making you dizzy and pulling you deeper into delirium. You closed your eyes, falling in and out of consciousness—a torturous, miserable limbo between sleep and alertness that he designed just for you.

You fully roused as you heard doors opening into a room you didn't recognize. Your mind processed your surroundings in a fragmented manner, like watching bits and pieces of a holodrama. In the first room, there was a kitchen, a living area, and...is that a plant?

"Wh-where?" you said through chattering teeth, hoping he would understand you meant to ask where the hell you were.

Kylo didn't respond, and the panic started to build. This definitely wasn't a prisoner's cell—it felt too homey. He went through another door, leading to a bedroom with a large, black bed facing a staggering view of the galaxy, and a surge of adrenaline shot through you. You didn't know where you were, but it didn't feel right.

"No, no, p-please take me to my c-cell," you begged, shivering like crazy. "Please. I don't want to b-be here, I don't—"

"Shhh." He laid you down on the bed, not unkindly, and reached behind his back. With one tug, Kylo detached his robes from his tunic and placed them over you. They were soft and warm, and as you greedily clutched at the fabric, the weight of them comforted you more than you wanted to admit.

When Kylo crouched down by the side of the bed, you shrunk back into the pillows. "Why?"

He tilted his mask to the side. "Why, what?"

"Why am I here?" you asked, eyes darting around the room. "Are you going to t-torture me some more?"

He slowly shook his head no. "I told you. I will not hurt you," he murmured, lifting his hand to your face. When you winced and moved away from him, Kylo paused and dropped it before it could reach you.

You swallowed the lump in your throat. "Then what is this place? W-where are we?"

There was a significant pause. "My quarters."

You jolted forward, attempting to crawl out of his bed. "No kriffing way—"

Kylo's hand covered your face. "Sleep, Kitten."

You fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.