The Blue Hearted Devil Himself

Better than

I call down a cab exhaling. I stand holding my torn up clothes in my shaky hands feeling tears on my cheeks. Run and never fucking stop. I sniffle. I wipe my tears. Big girl. Seeing someone for the last time is hard, especially when you know it. but I imagine it's even worse when you don't.

It's been 3 months since
I've last seen Colten. It was one for the books though. We'd make so much money if we were porn stars.
I mean the size difference really gets people going.

I've gotten really into modeling, learning everything about it. It pays so well. I'm annoyed and flushed with the men who urge me to take off my top. I don't want to be sexualized in a cheap way. Elegance is beautiful, hot elegance is rare. I'm not sure if I'm capable of it.

I kicked the money Colten practically threw at me. I've been spending it. Shamefully. Girls gotta eat. It's 150,000 dollars. I've put a good chunk of it aside. It's cash.

I mean so much money for just standing in clothes I get it's about fashion week is coming up. I was invited by this guy. He said I should get a manager. Modeling makes me feel so good about myself.
Even though they edit out my scars and cover them up With makeup I'm okay with it.

I'm certainly not proud of them. I'm running with a whole new vibe. Seeing myself in a light. I'm not gonna pretend like I'm not being sexualized but it's elegant and makes me feel expensive, not cheap.

At least I thought I needed to be 5 '6 but I'm unproportional. My legs are long, however I don't see myself walking across the runway.

I've been designing jewelry on this editing app. It's just for fun. It's what I do when I'm not working. Or my new side job which is modeling. I work at Dior. With my fancy clothing I feel at peace with myself. Working on my own needs.

I get off my stool hearing my doorbell ring.

My sushi's here.

I grin, opening the door to a delivery lady. I grin , taking my bag and thanking her.

I walk to my room sitting on the floor opening the bag to all the delectable treats. My mouth waters seeing everything in this aesthetic packaging sushi used to be way out of my reach. I open up my fancy sushi taking one inside my mouth I chew swallowing. My stomach makes a funny noise, raw fish not my strongest suit, my nose twitches. My phone dings Lilly "hey do you wanna go shopping?" she text I tilt my head I have the worst trust issues in the fucking world. It's not even with guys I gave up on long ago. When it typically left me curled up in a ball crying about someone I wasn't even dating. Someone who just wanted to use me. But that didn't stop me from falling. Ass first.

I text her back

Me: Yes, give me an hour?
Lilly billy: Okay smooch

Lilly is so kind. I mean she can be kind of a dumb blonde sometimes. Even though she is not blonde. But it's alright she's the same age as me. She goes to NYU. She's a fashion student there. I think that's absolutely incredible.

She's got long thick curly hair down to her ass. Dark brown skin full lips dark pink bottom lip brown top lip there round and plump. She wears white and pink with occasionally gold. Lace all the time oddly white teeth lovely eyes soft amber brown ones with long gorgeous lashes when I met her though she complimented my Versace pumps.

I was Struggling with the absence of Colten was too fucking hard I spent days feeling empty and sorry for myself. Which baffles me he was a jerk and rude and he treated me poorly.But I took it I let him I continued having sex with him he was so hot and made me feel better. And less like shit. I think if I loved him I would have done just about anything for him. Pathetic little me.

I shouldn't have had sex with him that only made him go harder on himself. I burp again feeling vomit pool up my throat. I rush to the bathroom covering my mouth as I hurl into the toilet. The acid burns my throat, the chunks in my vomit make me throw up again. I flush the toilet as I sit on the floor seeing an empty box of pads.

I open under my counter seeing them full. Still. I bought these two months ago. I hadn't even noticed I didn't use them.

I look up tampons full too. I look at the date on my wall across the room seeing the date. I'm late. Super late. The lateness that gets teen girls worried. I heard my chances of being impregnated were 15%. My body fills up with all these cold sweats, a wave of anxiety drills into every hole and crevice. My mouth goes numb. I blink fast, getting dizzy and forgetting to breathe.

I hold my hand over my stomach no fucking batshit way.

This is not fucking happening. I can't be a mom oh god. I hurl over the toilet again.

I feel tears burn my eyes. I shouldn't get flustered over it until I know for sure. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I made a dent in the cabinets I just moved here.

I stand up, rinsing my mouth out. My eyes flutter shut feeling feverish. I look at my sushi 66 bucks for this sushi I put it away nearly putting it in the fridge.

I grab a reach in my closet for something to go with my black boots and my low rise mini skirt. I pulled out a jacket not mine actually it was Coltens . I swallow the lump in my throat.

...

I pee on all of them. I bought way too many. This waiting game is making me fucking crazy I lift my head up peaking over all the pregnancy test not seeing any signs yet "good lord please." I sit my ass back down. Would I be sad if it said no.

No.
Maybe.
Yes
I'd be devastated.

Of what this baby could be. If there's a baby even in there. Am I prepared to be a mom? What a role model I had growing up Huh.
I called Lilly and told her to get her ass in here right now. She's 5'9 long beautiful dark legs. appear. Full lips almond eyes thin perfectly shaped brows curled lashes defined jaw but the roundest cheeks when she lets out that groundbreaking smile.

In the doorway of my bathroom her face full of worry her eyes fall along the pregnancy test

"oh shit , you're pregnant." She screams loud enough to wake up the entire country. It hasn't even been three minutes yet.

"Fuck me." I mutter crumbling into a tearful mess.