Claustrophobic Mind

Chapter 2

At around 4:30 in the morning, Billie woke up in Tré's arms on the floor of his bedroom. He quickly rubbed his eyes and sighed at the thought of what Tré saw last night. Does Tré know that Billie hears voices?

Billie Joe prayed that Tré will just assume that it was another one of his panic attacks and he will act like it never happened.

Being that he was now awake, Billie knew he wasn't going to go back to sleep. He's had this problem ever since he was a kid. Insomnia.

He pried himself out of Tré's arms and stood to give himself a nice stretch. Billie Joe then searched around the room for his shoes in the darkness. He didn't want to wake Tré by turning the light on. Eventually he found his beat up shoes that he hasn't bothered to replace and made his way out of the room.

Billie walked into the kitchen to grab his pack of cigarettes and his balled up jacket from the table. He decided that he wanted to take a walk; clear his head. It was something that Billie Joe did oftentimes, but not something he had time to do regularly.

He opened the window in the living room and crawled into the backyard. It would be easier than trying to slowly and quietly shut the front door so he wouldn't wake Tré. Besides, he left his keys in his bedroom.

Few streetlights were actually lit on the cold, dark streets of Oakland, but Billie continued his journey down the cracked sidewalk. Nobody was out considering it was so early, but Billie liked it that way. He hated having to awkwardly walk by a stranger on the streets and not know if he should say hello or not. One thing he did love was the early air. Something about breathing in the cold and fresh air of dawn brought a smile to Billie's face.

Absentmindedly, Billie Joe turned a corner into the familiar alleyway that he used to go to with Mike. The boys have seemed to grow out of the "walking on the streets" phase, but they still like to pay a visit or two every once in a while. Billie made his way over to the back corner and sat himself down while he leaned against a trash can. A walkway light flickered on and off above Billie Joe, but he didn't seem to notice.

Billie pulled out his pack of cigarettes and began smoking one after the other. He took a deep breath in and slowly blew it out. Chain smoking wasn't something Billie was in need of, but he felt as though he was severely stressed at the moment.

Keep smoking those cancer sticks, and you're going to kill yourself right then and there Billie boy.

"Fuck off," Billie muttered to the familiar voice coming from his head. He put another cigarette into his mouth and instinctively lit it up.

I'm just trying to help you, for your sake of course. Don't you want to live Billie Joe?

"Not with you constantly in my head. And 'you're trying to help me' my ass. You're the one making me feel unsafe with myself," Billie Joe snapped back.

So you're basically saying you don't want to live. You want to kill yourself. Are you suicidal Billie?

"No, I want to live. I need to live. How else will the band go on? How will my family survive without my support?"

Suicidal.

"I'm not suicidal."

Suicidal.

"I'm not!"

Suicidal.

"For the last time, I'm not fucking suicidal! At least I don't think I am anyway," Billie mumbled.

Okay maybe you're not suicidal, but there is something that could make you be...

"Stop talking to me. There's nothing in the life that would make me want to kill myself," Billie Joe scuffed.

You said it yourself Billie boy, your family wouldn't survive without your "support." I think you mean without having your "money." And how else would the band go on? You can't have a band without a guitarist and a singer. Not to mention those life changing songs you write. Face it Billie, you're not wanted. The world doesn't need you, the world needs what you have.

"T-That's not true. I love my family - they love me for gods sake!" Billie Joe said.

You might want to rethink that one Billie Joe. How much time do you actually spend with your family? How much genuine time do you spend that will get them to love you like they apparently do? Oh, that's right! None. You never have time to spend with your family. You're always touring.

"You bastard," Billie spoke while shaking his head in disbelief.

Whoa, watch the language there buddy. I'm helping you be self aware. I don't want you to be so naive and vulnerable. I want you to be able to realize when people are using you.

"Nobody's using me. Everyone I love in my life loves me back. It's LOVE that makes me needed, something your bitter heart doesn't have," Billie explained.

Ouch, that one hurt. I have love for you Billie Joe. I love you so much that I will never leave. Ever. Ever. Ever...

"Leave me alone you sick fuck. I don't want you in my life. I don't need you in my head. Just leave me alone and let me have the peace that I haven't had in the last three years because of your annoying self. You were never like this before, always patronizing and humiliating. It's only gotten worse in the past year. I wish you would just leave and never come back. Can't you do that for me? You don't matter to me. You're just making my life worse," Billie said voice cracking the whole way through. At this point he started to ball his hands in fists and bang his head repeatedly.

This time nothing came. This time the voice didn't respond. There was just complete and utter silence, and Billie Joe liked it. He could finally...relax.

Billie Joe stood and decided to make his way back to his house. Tré would be up soon, and he didn't want Tré to question Billie's actions any further.

He went about his day with no voice coming from his claustrophobic mind, and to say the least, it was peaceful.