Claustrophobic Mind

Chapter 34

"Mr. Armstrong? We'll be admitting you into the psychiatric hospital now," a nurse spoke softly as she peaked through the door.

She was pushing a old, weathered wheelchair that squeaked with every turn of the wheels. The look on her face was unreadable. Mike wondered if she had seen this many times before.

Billie, already unhooked from the multiple monitors, started to breathe quickly in the bed next to Mike. He unexpectedly grabbed Mike's hand and used all his strength to squeeze it. Mike sighed sympathetically and squeezed back, not too hard to hurt Billie Joe.

Mike and Billie had spent the whole day preparing him for the mental home. Neither of them knew what to expect, but they both knew it would help Billie Joe. For the better of course.

While Billie took a nap, Mike went out to get him some clothes to wear into the hospital. He went for something baggy: a pair of sweatpants and one of Mike's shirts. He knew Billie Joe would appreciate it, but he also knew it wouldn't take his mind off the psych ward. Nothing could.

All this brought them to this moment. The moment where Billie was going to be sent off. Mike wouldn't be able to see Billie for two days at the least, and that's only if he speaks about him positively in therapy.

Mike snapped out of his thoughts as Billie Joe unsuccessfully tried to stand to his feet. He wobbled a little, then sat back on the firm bed. Mike noticed his failed attempts and got to his feet to assist Billie.

The plan was to put Billie Joe's arm around Mike's shoulders and then for Mike to shuffle him over to the wheelchair, but Mike ended up feeling bad for making Billie use so much of his strength just to get to a wheelchair. So, Mike easily scooped Billie up into his arms. One arm under his arms, one arm under his knees. It scared Mike when he didn't hear Billie Joe giggle at this gesture. The real Billie always did.

"Thank you Mikey," Billie mumbled as Mike sat him down in the wheelchair.

In a way, Billie felt embarrassed. He was unable to do simple tasks because of something he did to himself. Because he was being selfish. No, he shouldn't think like that. It's not his fault. Mike said so.

"You're welcome buddy," Mike whispered as he fixed Billie Joe's messy hair as best as he could.

Mike crouched down in front of Billie. This was the one thing he wasn't looking forward to: saying goodbye to Billie. Of course it wasn't forever, for Mike would never be able to live with that. But it was for a while. Billie Joe was going to be without Mike for two days. Mike hasn't left Billie's side in a while.

"I'll see you in two days," Mike spoke softly.

Billie's eyes widened. He hadn't expected to be without Mike for that long. He thought he would see him in a few hours after he got admitted.

"W-What?!" Billie Joe squeaked.

"Hey, calm down Bill. You'll be fine. You won't even know I'm gone-"

"Don't lie to me..." Billie whispered before his face screwed up and the tears started to fall. He desperately tried to contain himself.

Mike dug the heel of his shoe into the tile floor. He knew he was lying just as much as Billie Joe knew. There was no way that this situation would just breeze by Billie.

"I don't know what to tell you baby doll," Mike whispered back. The tears started to burn behind his eyes too, but he pushed them away. He had to be strong for Billie.

Billie Joe hunched over a bit. He didn't want to sob into his hands and look weak anymore. He wanted to be brave like Mike, but it's hard to do that when he wasn't ready to be without him.

"I'm scared, Mikey."

Mike took Billie's small hand in his. He quickly laid a kiss on his cold knuckles and continued to hold his hand. Billie Joe tried to smile sadly, only to leave him with a few whimpers to escape.

"I know you're scared, but you need this. You'll be fine Billie. I...I promise," Mike said. Yet another promise that he had to keep.

"How can you be so sure, when I'm so fucked up?" Billie Joe whispered. He started to sob at his own words, no longer trying to hold it back.

Mike kept Billie's hand in his and watched him cry. So much pain and emotion came from Billie when he let his tears fall. His tears were never worthless, but always meaningful and needed. Billie Joe knew when to cry. Sadly, because he's become so used to it.

"I know because you're a fighter Billie Joe. Think back to all the things you been through. Can you believe how much you survived? So what makes you think you won't survive this time? You're not fucked up Billie, you're just not ready for things to be okay because...they haven't been in a while. But it's okay for things to be okay," Mike explained. He rubbed circles on the back of Billie Joe's hand while saying this.

"Thank you for being here, Mike. You're the only one that hasn't left me. Besides Tré, but, I left him myself," Billie Joe said looking off guiltily.

Mike noticed Billie's sadness and put his hands on Billie's cheeks. He moved his head to that Billie Joe was forced to look him in the eyes. When Mike looked into Billie's, nothing showed. Nothing shined. Nothing. His eyes were so empty, they showed nothing.

"Listen to me. Don't think about the past. That's all done with. Gone. Never changed again. Over with. There's nothing we can do about the past, but we can do something about the future. Be ready. Now you know what to expect. You got it Billie Joe?"

Billie nodded and looked away. Mike wasn't surprised that he hadn't convinced Billie.

"I think it's time for you to go Bill. Don't be scared. I'll see you in a few days. You'll be okay," Mike reasoned. He let go of Billie Joe's face then and put his hand back into Billie's.

"I'll miss you Mikey," Billie Joe croaked. The tears leaked from the corners of his green eyes. His voice was shaky.

"I'll miss you too buddy," Mike whispered, feeling the tears coming on himself.

Mike gave Billie Joe a small smile. Billie returned a sad, crooked smile. He couldn't bring himself to give off a real smile, when the sadness he felt was so overwhelming.

They gave each other a long tight hug, holding it as if every second counted. They listened to each other's fearful breaths. They felt for each other's racing hearts.

Billie pulled away first. He looked up at Mike innocently before taking his finger and started to trail down Mike's nose from the bridge to the tip. It was something him and Mike did a lot as kids. Mike smiled and returned the gesture to Billie's small nose. Billie Joe scrunched his nose up afterwards, just like old days.

"You ready Mr. Armstrong?" the nurse yet again squeaked. Mike seriously considered telling her how much her talking annoyed him.

Billie nodded. He wasn't ready.

"Bye, Bill."

Billie Joe didn't respond and instead looked back at Mike with his innocent green eyes. Their dullness still frightened Mike. His eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by dark bags from lack of sleep. Mike suspected as much.

Mike watched Billie as long as he could, but soon Billie Joe went around a corner, leaving Mike to stare into an empty hallway. It wasn't until Billie was too far to hear that Mike spoke.

"This is gonna make you better."