Claustrophobic Mind

Chapter 4

Over the past few days, Mike has been annoyed with Billie because he won't tell him what is wrong. He's mad because he won't tell him what could kill him. He kept saying that he would never let such a thing happen to Billie Joe, but how could Mike protect Billie from himself?

The voice had been popping in every once in awhile and brought up the same topics as usual. It wasn't something that Billie thought was enjoyable, but it was better than being alone.

After getting out of a nice long shower that relaxed his tense muscles, Billie decided to weigh himself. It wasn't something he did because he felt as though he was overweight, he just did it because it's nice to check to make sure you're on a healthy diet.

Without second guessing it, he stepped on the scale. It read 140.2 pounds. Billie lifted his eyebrows. Not that bad.

Wow, what a fat ass.

"What?" Billie asked, genuinely concerned. He thought that 140 was a healthy weight for a short man. If anything he was underweight.

Do I even have to say it? 140 pounds! That's a lot of weight Billie Joe.

"It is not. I'm as light as a feather," Billie said as he thought back to all the times he's been easily lifted by fans. Some of them being girls.

That's what you think. That's a lot of weight for a man so small. It's not like you have any muscle.

Billie Joe frowned and looked at his biceps.

It happens to everyone Billie boy. It's part of getting older. Your metabolism goes down and you put on a few pounds, but you've got it bad.

"What do you mean?"

You gained more weight than usual. You're getting fat.

"No, no I'm perfectly fine. I'm healthy," Billie mumbled as he turned to look at himself in the mirror.

What do you think the fans will think when they see you like this Billie? Isn't it embarrassing for you?

"For fucks sake, 140 pounds is a normal weight," Billie said, although he felt as though the voice's words may be true.

I think it's what you eat Billie boy. Eating is the main issue for people who are overweight. You eat TOO much. You might want to cut back.

"I..." Billie started.

Maybe you should try skipping a few meals. Besides, your family doesn't need you hogging all the food and being annoyingly at the dinner table.

"I don't hog all the food. Adrienne doesn't complain."

Because she doesn't want to be rude. You're a selfish pig. Consider letting them eat dinner alone.

"No, I want to eat with my family," Billie Joe fought back.

Just think about it Billie boy. Let them have some peace.

Billie Joe huffed and made his way downstairs to the dinner table. He didn't want what the voice said to get to his head. He knew he wasn't overweight, but something about the intimidating tone of the voice made him believe its words.

As Billie walked into the kitchen and saw Adrienne putting lasagna on the table, he tried to push the conversation aside.

Joey and Jakob sat at the opposite side of the table from Billie and Adrienne. Billie Joe distantly pecked Adrienne on the lips and mumbled a thank you.

Everyone started eating and began a conversation about school. Billie didn't hear any of it. He still hasn't touched his food.

He sat slumped over holding the fork in his hand and glared at the lasagna. The boys didn't seem to notice, but Adrienne looked at him with a worried glance.

Billie Joe stayed in his same position, despite Adie's concern and the rumble in his stomach. He clenched his teeth and a lump formed in his throat. No, he couldn't cry. He was going to eat his dinner and he was going to eat it NOW.

No, no he can't eat it. He can't eat. But he's hungry. He can't eat. But he's hungry. NO, he can't eat. A constant fight went on inside of his head, for once not with the voice, but with himself. His hand began shaking and he took deep breaths while trying to concentrate on opening his mouth. Should he eat?

"Fuck..." Billie mumbled to himself. It was too quiet for the boys to hear, but Adrienne heard and she turned to looked at him.

Billie Joe felt ashamed when the first tear fell out of his welled up eyes. He didn't want to cry. He wasn't a coward. The voice is not right, Billie isn't a coward.

His tears felt otherwise. They streamed down his face one after the other. The shaking of his hand increased and he didn't know if Joey and Jakob noticed. He prayed that they didn't, but he knew that Adrienne did. Everyone was halfway done with their food by now.

"Billie Joe? Are you alright?" Adrienne asked. Her husband's actions were scaring her.

Billie snapped his head up to look at Adie deep in the eyes.

"C-Can I be excused?" Billie asked, his voice shaking.

"You haven't even touched your food," Adrienne responded completely confused.

"I know," Billie said just above a whisper as he stood from the table and headed towards his room. He stomped his way through the hall over towards the steps. Adrienne chased after him, leaving the kids at the table.

Before Billie could make it up one step, Adrienne grabbed his wrist. He froze, but didn't turn around.

"Baby, what's wrong? You always eat dinner."

Billie cringed at her words. Yes, he did always eat dinner. But dinner was what is making him fat. Overweight. Useless.

"I don't need dinner," Billie lied. His stomach desperately rumbled for food, but he ignored it.

"What are you talking about? You're basically skin and bones-"

"Don't you fucking lie to me!" Billie snapped turning around to look at Adrienne. She jumped back in shock.

"I weigh more than you think Adrienne. I-I'm fucking fat," Billie whispered.

Adrienne's mouth gaped in disbelief. How could Billie possibly think he's fat? He is so small.

Billie Joe angrily yanked his hand out of Adrienne's.

"Just...just leave me alone," Billie said and made his way up the stairs. Adie watched for a few seconds before turning away and heading back to the dinner table.

What happened next made Billie sob into his hands.

"Mommy?" Joey asked.

"Yes?"

"Is Daddy okay?"

"I don't know Joey. I really don't know..."