Claustrophobic Mind

Chapter 27

"Why aren't you eating?" Mike said with a mouth full of spaghetti the next day. He looked over at Billie to see that he was playing around with his fork.

Billie Joe shrugged in response. He didn't want to tell Mike that he had developed and habit of not feeling the need to eat. He had forced himself to eat very little in front of Mike and then dumped the rest down the sink when Mike left. But he couldn't do it anymore. Eating started to make him feel sick because his body wasn't used to digesting regularly.

"Is something wrong?" Mike questioned, sitting down his fork.

"No."

"Then what's the matter?" Mike asked. The confusion that showed in his voice was unmistakable.

"I'm not really that hungry," Billie Joe shrugged.

Mike eyed Billie for a moment. He knew that he wasn't telling him something. This annoyed Mike. He thought that Billie Joe would always tell him when something was wrong. Mike didn't usually have to ask. Granted, he didn't tell Mike about Fink, and now it's gotten out of hand.

Billie Joe looked up at Mike innocently.

"You haven't eaten all day...how are you not hungry?" Mike blurted out.

Billie thought about telling Mike that he hadn't really eaten in days, but decided against it. He figured that worrying Mike about him being suicidal was enough in itself. He wanted Mike to think that he was getting better.

"I'm just not hungry," Billie said, breaking eye contact with Mike.

Mike sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Caring for Billie Joe was harder than he thought.

Billie frowned at Mike's reaction. He knew he was only a pain in his ass, and he felt like he was a waste of space. He laid his hand on his still bandaged burns, considering doing it again.

"Why are you doing this?" Mike asked. He sounded more irritated than he intended, and immediately wanted to take it back.

"What?" Billie Joe said frowning.

"Being so complicated! I'm just trying to help you Billie Joe," Mike said standing from the table with his plate. He washed the remainder of his food down the sink, suddenly losing his appetite.

Billie slouched in his chair. He felt bad for annoying Mike, but he didn't want to eat when he wasn't hungry anymore.

"I'm sorry Mike-"

"You know what? Just stop," Mike said, turning off the water. He let out a frustrated sigh and put both hands on the sink. His head hung between his shoulders.

"Mikey?" Billie Joe asked. He rose from his seat, abandoning his food as well.

Mike started to irritably rub his face. He stood up straight to meet Billie's eyes. Billie slouched in fear and nervously played with his fingers. A worried look crossed his face.

"This is all just...so stressful," Mike sighed.

"W-What's stressful?" Billie whispered, stepping closer to Mike.

"Taking care of you!" Mike shouted throwing his hands up in the air.

Billie Joe flinched and took a step back. The tears started to fill his eyes and his face screwed up. He could feel his heart shatter in his chest.

"I'm sorry-"

"Oh my god, you're always fucking sorry!" Mike shouted, stepping closer to the frightened Billie.

"I didn't mean for this," Billie Joe said shaking his head back and forth. The tears started to fall. His body was slouched over in guilt.

"Well you should've thought about that before you stabbed our friend repeatedly! You almost killed him Billie!"

Billie started to sob. The amount of guilt that was thrown on his body was enough to make his knees weaken. His body shook as he cried, something he had done many times before. He didn't know what made Mike say these things to him.

"You might as well just throw me in the psychiatric hospital by tomorrow, huh?!" Billie Joe suddenly screamed.

"What are you talking about-"

"Don't fucking play dumb with me! I know you and Adrienne are talking about throwing me into a mental home with all the loonies! I'm not stupid Mike!"

"We're trying to help you-"

"I'm sorry okay?! I'm sorry that I lost my mind without my control! I'm sorry that my sanity caused me to stab my friend without my conscious decision! I'm sorry that I was beaten and raped by a man I can't remember! I'm sorry you found my in that alley in the first place! I'm sorry that I even FUCKING exist!" Billie Joe sobbed.

"Billie-"

"No! Don't you fucking dare! I'm just a waste of space aren't I?!" Billie screamed.

He grabbed his plate and threw it at the wall. The plate shattered against the tile floor, making a eerie sound. Billie Joe grabbed his chair and threw in on the ground, letting out a raged scream. He cried in the process, sweat rolling down his temple.

"Billie stop!"

"Shut up Mike! I'm doing you no good by being here. You fucking hate me for gods sake! You've made that pretty obvious! Do you want me to leave so I can get caught?! Would that really make you happy?!" Billie cried.

"You know I don't want that!"

"Then stop making it seem like you want me gone! You're not the only one, I want to be gone too! I want to be gone from earth in general. Don't you get it?! I don't want to live!" Billie Joe sobbed.

His knees gave out and he felt to the floor. Billie brought his legs to his chest and hugged himself. He shook violently, on the verge of a panic attack. His hair shagged over his sweaty forehead as he rested his chin on his knees.

Mike just watched. He no longer felt annoyed by having to take care of Billie Joe. He knew that it was basically impossible for him to take care of himself. He was so weak and vulnerable, yet he thought he was getting better. Billie couldn't survive alone. Seeing Billie Joe cry only made his guilt worse. Mike felt like fifty knives were pushed through his chest. It was bad enough to see Billie cry, but it was worse knowing that he was the one who cause him to bawl...and he had done it with his words.

He walked over to the small, crying man and crouched down. Mike put his hand into Billie's and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. Billie Joe jerked his hand away at Mike's touch.

"I hope they find me here by tomorrow morning. Then I won't be able to bother you anymore," Billie whispered before standing to his feet.

Mike looked up to watch Billie Joe walk away. His body sagged in sorrow as he left the kitchen. Mike couldn't bring himself to follow. The chair he threw and the plate he shattered were still left on the floor when Mike heard him close the guest bedroom door. Mike started to tear up as he sat on the floor in the same spot that his best friend did just minutes ago.

With the deafening silence being his soul company, Mike was swallowed in his fault.