Claustrophobic Mind

Chapter 41

Billie Joe woke up suddenly. He was trembling violently and sweat soaked his body. He laid his hand over his chest to feel his rapid heartbeat.

Billie knew instantly that he was panicking. Having anxiety for god knows what. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand only for it to be dampened with his nervousness.

He started to wonder why this was happening. Nothing had scared him or worried him before he drifted off to sleep, so what could possibly be frightening him?

"Fucking hell," Billie mumbled as he realized exactly what was wrong.

His anxiety was so severe and random that there was a huge chance that it can occur out of nowhere. Without his medication, Billie Joe can start panicking within seconds. He hasn't taken his medication in days.

His chest got tighter. Is he dying? Can he even breathe? Is he even there? In that moment? Billie was scared. He was alone. He needed help.

Billie Joe quickly thought of how to react. He remembered that the hospital had let Mike stay with him. Mike is here. He has help.

"Mike?" Billie barely whispered.

No response.

Billie thought he was too quiet to wake Mike from his sleep, so he tried again. This time, slightly louder.

"Mikey?" Billie croaked. Tears started pouring down his face.

He couldn't move. Billie Joe laid on his back as his hands instinctively clenched the sheets for dear life. He was frozen. He needed help.

There was still no response from Mike.

"Mike?!" Billie hissed into the silence. Why wasn't he responding?

Billie took in a deep breath before he spoke again.

"Mike, I...I think something's wrong with me. I can't m-move," Billie Joe whispered. He tears continued to run down his face and burn his cheeks.

Mike still didn't respond. What is wrong with him? He should be awake by now. Is he ignoring Billie?

"Mike please..." Billie Joe said as he started to get breathless.

At this point Billie was getting impatient. Mike should be awake by now. There's no way he could sleep through the shaking of the bed along with Billie's cries for help. Something was wrong.

Billie Joe, figuring out some way to move, finally decided to feel the bed beside him where Mike should be. He should be there right? Where else would he sleep?

He wasn't there.

Billie panicked more. The empty space beside him made him breathe quicker and gasp for air. His body was still glued to the bed while his hands continued to fist the sheets. What was he going to do?

"I need Mike. Please, Mikey. Please..." Billie begged, thinking there was some way Mike would hear him and come to his rescue. He didn't.

All Billie Joe could do was look at the ceiling. It was white with speckles that were too many to count. The room was dim except for the moonlight pouring in through the closed window beside him.

It didn't matter anyway. Nothing mattered. All that mattered was him getting out of this panic attack, and it was becoming a struggle.

Billie started to wonder if he should ask for help. Yell for help even. Eventually he reminded himself to keep his mouth closed. He didn't want to attract any negative attention towards himself. That would only make his stay in the mental home longer. He didn't want that. He needed to get out of here. But what he really needed was help.

Billie Joe's heart rate monitor was desperately trying to keep up with his quickening heart beat. The beeping was starting to make him feel frustrated. This only made the beeping worse. Faster in fact.

"Why Mike? Why did you leave?" Billie said aloud.

His tears continued to pour down his face as he whispered these questions to himself. He wished that Mike would here. Why did Mike leave? Is he coming back? Has he given up on Billie?

Billie wondered if Mike was somehere else in the building. Possibly talking to a nurse out in the hallway about his progress. Possibly getting a snack in the cafeteria, if it was open. Possibly on the phone. Possibly smoking a cigarette. Anything. Anything but leaving Billie Joe alone when he promised he would stay. Anything but abandoning Billie Joe.

"For fucks sake, where are you?!" Billie hissed to himself.

He gritted his teeth in anger. He didn't want to go through this alone. He didn't want to go through this with a nurse. He wanted to go through it with Mike. Get out of it with Mike.

Billie imagined himself holding Mike's hand as Mike whispered comforting things to him. He imagined Mike hugging him and rubbing circles on his back. He imagined Mike getting him a cold glass of water and sitting in his living room in front of the tv until he fell asleep beside Mike. He imagined anything but being without Mike.

Suddenly an idea came to Billie's head. An idea that was too dark for him to even fathom. Something that he didn't want to think of. Something that he didn't want to happen. Couldn't happen.

Did Mike lie to Billie Joe?

Did he lie and say that he could stay when he really wouldn't? Did he think that he could sneak out while Billie was asleep? No, no this can't be happening. Mike wouldn't do that...would he?

"Fuck," Billie Joe muttered to himself as he shook harder. He needed help.

He started to mentally scold himself for believing that stupid miracle. That Mike could stay after visiting hours. He felt stupid for even seeing that as a possibility. Why would he believe such a lie? How could he be so naive?

It took Billie Joe a long while to convince himself that Mike lied to him. Was he doing it to make Billie feel comfortable with him leaving? Did he do it because be wasn't planning on coming back? Did he even care anymore?

Billie couldn't believe his realization. He couldn't believe the truth. The facts were all there, but why should he believe them?

He continued to lay glued to the bed as his panic continued. His breathing got worse along the way. He started to wonder if this would be his last attack. Would he live past this one to have another? Can he get through this on his own? No, he can't.

Billie kept telling himself, yet he ignored himself too. He couldn't bring himself to say it aloud. He couldn't bring himself to say it. But had to. He needed to. He was going to. And eventually, he did.

"I need help!" Billie yelled.

And it was urgently true. He needed help.