Hazed | 5SOS

12

I slammed the door behind me as I entered my empty room. I had no clue where my friends had gone and I didn't care.

I began pacing the floor. I was so mad. How dare he take away my first kiss. Granted I am a 17 year old girl I should've kissed someone by now but I haven't and I wanted it to mean something. By someone I actually had feelings for and had feelings for me. I wanted it to be magical.
Not some sleezy kid who I still don't appreciate. I don't hate him but I sure don't like him. Especially not then. This will never get out. I can't tell anyone. If I just ignore it ever happened maybe it'll just go away. He didn't want that to happen and neither did I.

What if he did though? Did he? I mean he did kiss me. Does he like me? No. No that would be a crazy thought. He's him and I'm me.

No. Absolutely not Autumn. You do not like him. He has been nothing but a rude jerk to you. He ruined all of it and you have more respect for yourself than that.
I pity Luke Hemmings. That he has to resort to some sexual behavior with no filter to go through life instead of living it.
I believe in that there is good in everyone. But Luke has not proved that there is good in him. Except good music taste.
I looked at the clock. 8:08. I needed something to get myself out of thinking. Thinking sucks. I decided it was late enough to sleep. I didn't have a class tomorrow. I figured tomorrow I'd get a new bedspread and dorm stuff.
I looked at my bottles of medication. I knew I needed it. But did I? I felt fine. My first thought wasn't suicide. I felt fine compared to the opposite.

I stared at my bottle of sleeping pills. I began to open them for my nightly dose so I can dose off into oblivion for the night.
But just as I was undoing the lid the door began knocking frantically. The bottle spilled all over the floor. I knew who it might be but I was so hoping it was anyone else but him.

Instead it was Calum.

"Don't.. Do.. It." He huffed,

"What do you mean? Don't do what?" I asked. He made me nervous. Not many words had been spoken between me and Calum but I felt like he was my good friend, someone I could trust. He did know my biggest secret. "Jesus, did you run here?"

"Don't think what you're thinking." He caught his breath back quick. "And yes I did."

"I'm still confused, don't do what?" I asked again. He pushed into my room and I let him in, closing the door behind him.

"Luke. I know he kissed you, okay. He texted me the whole thing and-" he caught his breath again, taking off his blue windbreaker and putting it on my bed.

"And you're a good girl. Please don't let him ruin you. Because Luke is my best friend and I love him like a brother but that's what he does. He ruins people." He explained.

"Ruins them?" I asked quickly.

"Am-Amber. Next door. Used to be the sweetest girl ever. She covered up everything. Until Luke came." He started. "Now he only uses her.  She's a mess now. She has no respect for herself anymore, and is so attached to Luke and he disses her now. Granted, I don't know if thats what that is this time but I just know that's the kind of things he does to people." Calum looked at me as if I were jumping off a cliff.

"Calum, it's okay. I don't even like Lu-"

"I know. And that's why he likes you. He's attracted to the chase, to a game. He collects peoples innocence and he knows it. He likes to toy with you and he will win." Calum looked at me so seriously it scared me. I didn't ever think someone could ruin me when I'm already ruined.

"What do I do then?" I asked.

"Cut him off completely. Don't play the game and he'll give up." Calum said.

"Did he ruin you?" My mouth asked before telling my brain.

"This guys been my friend for 5 years now. Let's just say in the last 5 years I've been arrested twice, and done things I said I'd never do. But I'm still the same guy." He explained, looking away. His eyes fell on the pills all over the floor.

"What are all these?"

"Oh- um-" I couldn't think for a minute, "They're my sleeping pills. After what happened I just wanted to go to bed and forget about it but I dropped the bottle."

"Huh. You want to forget?" He asked.

"Yeah. I just wanted to get him out of my head." I sighed. "Truth is, he was my first kiss. But that doesn't count right? I didn't kiss him back?" I said quickly. I had to ask someone. I sat next to him on my bed.

"Sure. I wouldn't say it counts." He nodded. "That was your first kiss?"

"I know, I know. 17 and nobody's ever been interested in me enough to kiss me. Sad, I know." I broke eye contact.

"In a way you're lucky." He started, "You've never had your heart broken."

"You don't have to be in a relationship to get your heart broken, Cal." I reminded him.

"That's true." He whispered. "Just be careful. That's all I want. We all care about you. And yeah you might do wonders for that kid but then he might ruin you. I just want you to be okay."

"Thank you. It means a lot that you care." I said, looking down.

"Of course. I know I'm quiet and I don't say much. But I'll always be here to listen to you, ok? You don't have to do any of that anymore." He glanced to where he had seen my scars before. When he mentioned it I didnt feel uncomfortable. I felt like I could really trust him, I was so grateful for it.

I didn't say anything, but I leaned over to hug him. We hugged a long time. It felt really nice to actually feel care. Calum and I don't know much about each other but the deep stuff and I really appreciate that.

He also was a really good hugger, that made it better. He kissed the top of my head, then the door flung open.