Hazed | 5SOS

19

I did it. I actually left. I walked right out that door with my head held high. Going out had its pros and cons. But we both needed it. Even if he didn't realize it, he doesn't need me when he can find a new girl to hold every night. I didn't and shouldn't.

I have so much weight. Not just on my body but having me around is so exhausting and I'm aware. Thats why I have to leave, it's for his best interest. He shouldn't be worrying about me.

I walked halfway to my dorm, I thought, but I must've gotten lost because I saw that little hole in the fence. I went through and the place hadn't changed. The grass was still to my knees, metal still rusted, colors faded. The morning sun kissing the tops of the metal as it danced into the sky.

I sat on the swings first. I sat in the one he liked to swing on. I sat there rocking forward and back on my tiptoes. I wonder if he ever even comes here like he said he did. I wonder what he actually thinks of. Last night I listened to him talk for hours about his favorite bands, t.v. shows, his views in politics, what his favorite foods are, how he met our friends, his views on the world, why he was majoring in neuroscience, it was amazing. We never really touched on our family. It seemed like both of us didn't want to tell.

I told him all of that too. Out conversations are so comfortable, so easy. We are both so understanding of the others views. His views are all smart and thought out, their beautiful. He's such a dork and a softy when he's not putting on that front.

Oh god, what did I do. I messed this up so bad, he was perfect. Not perfect, but for me. He is what people think: an asshole, vain, cocky, but he's so much more now. He actually has thoughts that are smart and for other people. He doesn't just think about himself, as I had previously thought.

I leaned my head onto the chain of the swing. Closing my eyes and smelling his sweatshirt that I still had on my body. My phone rang, but it was a number I didn't recognize so I left it. They called again and I ignored it again.

When I saw soon after that they left 2 messages I decided to listen to it:

Autumn? Where the hell are you? I know you don't have class right now, so where did you go? I can't believe you just left me. What the actual fuck, no. No you're not doing this. Not after last night. We aren't doing that again... We're not ignoring each other for another two weeks. We're talking about this. You don't get to just... leave. You know we can't. We agreed last night, we can't just stop cold turkey. Whatever it is, just tell me where you are.

*beep*

Message 2:

I'm in my car right now. Autumn, call me back. I've already been to your dorm, Jenna hasn't seen you either? I don't know where else you could be but please call me back. We have to talk, you have to stop running from me. God, what are you doing? This is so stupid. You know we can't just stop-

I ended the messages and locked my phone. God I messed up. He seems so frustrated, his voice kept getting angrier and angrier. I don't think he would know that I would come here. So I stayed. I stayed on his swing in his clothes, where he first kissed me, thinking about him.

It ended up getting towards 1 o' clock. I had class at 4 and I knew I had to go but I just couldn't.

"Jesus christ, what did I do?!" His voice came and the moment that had been anticipated was now here. "What did I do that made you leave like that?"

Luke came in through the fence and started towards the swings. He wore the same white t-shirt as last night paired with a jean jacket and ripped black jeans. His expression was incredulous.

"Just tell me what I did. What did I do that made you leave, and continue to ignore me for 2 hours!" He said, yelling at me. Tears started to surface, he thought this was his fault.

"Nothing, you didn't do anything. Luke you know we can't do that." I tried to choke out anything.

"No- this is what we can't do. This running away from each other. We've already done this too many times. And I'm tired of having people leave me without an explanation.. Talk to me." He furrowed his brows and crossed his arms.

"I'm sorry. It's just hard-" looking at him I forgot every reason I had to leave.

"What is? What is so hard now, that wasn't last night?" His eyes never moved from mine. He was always so confident and strong. I don't know how he does that.

"I don't know! It just all happened so fast! I'm not used to this. I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know who I am. I should hate you! I've never done this before. And I'm scared. Im really, really scared." I explained, a tear falling and I covered my face with my hands.

"Like I have? Sure I've been with girls but none of them I actually wanted to consistently be with. Amber got close but Amber is a bitch. I don't want to be with her or anyone else. In fact I don't give two shits about anyone else. Usually I'm the one that leaves in the morning. But with you I'm happy, like actually happy.  You're thinking too much again. We don't have to put a label on anything. I don't care about shit like that. Just stay with me, I'm not going to hurt you. All I've been wanting to do is protect you." His eyes were sincere and he knelt down to meet my eye level on the swing. "All you have to is just let me."

"But I'm so exhausting. Maybe its better if we don't try. Luke you punched someone last night because of me. You just made like 20 new enemies last night. -"

"Maybe it would be, but we don't know that. You're worth it to me. Plus, they aren't new. I already had all of those enemies. Not many people are fond of me." His voice was much softer now and he grabbed my hands.

"I don't know why I am." I shook my head, somehow convinced by him. I knew he was right about this. I knew I was thinking too much.

"But you are and I'll take it." He smiled at me, and kissed my forehead. "Now come on, lets get you some breakfast." He helped me off the swing. I loved it when he was so nice. He really is a softy. I didn't even care that I didn't want to eat. With him I didn't care about my problems.

"By the way, you're going to have to try harder than going to the spot where I first kissed you to leave me." He laughed as he helped me through the fence.

"In my defense I didn't know I was coming here I just did." I explained,

"Mmhm.. Okay." He said, opening the car door for me.

I got in and we started again.