Hazed | 5SOS

18

I woke up to the sound of a door slamming. My eyes slowly opened as I remembered where I was. I turned and saw a shirtless Luke, lying in bed towards the rest of his room as I curled into the corner of his room.

I hadn't noticed until he took off his shirt he had quite a lot of ink on him now. They must've been between the few weeks here and there when we weren't around each other. 

They were all different, small things, scattered here and there. Mainly in places you wouldn't look. On his neck just where his hairline meets skin is he has one that says "Think Happy Thoughts". Another one is on his back where his spine is, its a cartoonish lightning bolt and a plug on each side. On his collarbone is a really cool "1996" with a copyright attached to it, definitely one of my favorites. Another of his tattoos is on his left wrist is the symbol for an "on" button. On his left bicep is a thin band but on the inside very small is the word "Free" in cursive. On the inside of his right elbow is a small scene of a few small planets, stars, and a rocket ship that has the quote "You are not a waste of space", probably my favorite. His shoulder had a puzzle piece on it as well. Then a pirate ship under his arm on his right side. On his stomach above his left V line was a little bird. On his chest above where his heart would be is a small outline of 4 hand prints.

They're all amazing and I won't lie when I tell you they all make me very attracted to him. He was true perfection to me. I could just imagine his blue eyes waking up, glazed over and tired as he had his morning voice and groggily woke up.

While I was staring at him I realized our situation. I can't remember much after me and him yelled at each other. We didn't have sex, we both still had our underwear on. He's become like a drug to me. Why do I do this? It would be so much safer to not rely on him at all. It would be safer to not open my heart. He will crush me. I can't do this. I can't.

I started getting up slowly, trying not to wake him up. I would tell him later. I just I can't this would be better for both of us. I just have to be the mature one. Lucky for me he must be a deep sleeper. I mean at the earliest we went to bed at like 4 in the morning. And it was only 9 right now.

My head only ached slightly, I'm not very good with my alcohol. Although I only had probably one and a half beers I can't handle too much. That was just enough to get me tipsy and now my head hurt a little from that I guess. But now that I'm sober I can think clearly.

I grabbed my bag out of the corner of the room. I looked at him. He seemed so peaceful. I didn't want to imagine what his reaction will be if I leave.

Stop it Autumn. He probably has only been trying to seduce you anyway. That's all he wanted, you meant nothing.

He had it right before this. Its safer to just not try, to not care. We were being stupid.

I couldn't keep standing there, I quietly creeped out of his room and down the hall. I hoped I would have no problems, then one of the worst people I could've, Michael Clifford was there.

"Autumn! What are you doing here?" He said surprised, then looked between the door and me still wearing Luke's clothes.

"Oh my god.." He smirked, then made a motion between me and the door, "You.. And Luke.. Got it on?" He made a thrusting motion.

"No, no, Mikey stop." I pushed his hands down and shushed him. "We didn't do that."

"Then what did you do?" He asked, clearly amused.

"I don't know but not that." I whisper shouted at him. "We just kissed a lot and cuddled I think."

"Pfft. Luke Hemmings? Cuddling? I've never heard of that. He'll never live that one down." He laughed.

"Wait a minute, are you leaving him? Like a one night stand?" He asked, baffled.

"Yeah I am. Stop making it a big deal its not, he's had many of those." I rolled my eyes.

"Not any where he actually doesn't fuck them." He shrugged. "I live with the kid, he actually cares about you.  He actually cuddled with you instead of poppin' in and out. This is going to crush him. He won't show it but it will." He said, "Or he will show it. And be very angry."

"He's smart. He'll know this is the best option." I tried to start heading for the door.

"Is it?" He questioned.

"Yeah, it is." I said, trying to convince myself more than anything.

"I don't think it is. Everyone knew you had some type of weird tension from the moment you guys met. He was so adamant on making sure you didn't join our group. Probably because he saw this, what your doing right now, happening to him. He must've known it was going to happen." Michael started to whisper, and when he was quiet you knew it was serious.

"We're both too fucked up Mike. We can't make this anymore than it is. I'm really sorry."

"I've known this kid practically my whole life. He hasn't loved any girl that's ever come into his life. Never gave any of them a chance. His Dad died when he was 3 and his crackhead mom left him to his grandparents. All people have done has left him and that's why he built up so many walls. I wish you stayed around to hear that story from him, but all I'm saying is if Luke's able to let any wall down around you, don't make him build it back up." He shook his head.

"Why was everyone so against me and him being something until now?" I asked, coming back down the hall. "Everyone told me to stay away."

"We only had what we knew to base it on. But since you've come around he's been different.. This weird in between. He still does a lot of his usual things and all his characteristics of him, but he doesn't look at any other girl the way he does at you.  He fucking punched someone over you, the only other girl he's done that about was his mom. You truly interest him. I think if we all gave him the chance he could treat you right. Plus your all of our baby sisters, if he actually hurts you he'll get his ass beat 3 times over." He shrugged, "But that's up to you." He walked into what I was assuming was his room.

I was left standing there in the hall, right next to the back door. I didn't know what to do. I was so terrified to do something about him. I just wanted to run away but Michael just made it 100000 times more difficult.

I stood there, tears threatening to fall but I made sure they wouldn't. Not now. Not when I had to be the strongest. I stood there at that door for so long. Not doing anything. Bag in hand. Just remembering the things that happened the night before. When we were at the cliff, the party, here. Everything just happened so quickly.

I remember us sitting there on his bed, criss-cross apple sauce and just talking. About anything: music, hobbies, interests, dreams. He made everything so easy to me. We just talked there was no pressure at all to be doing anything more. Then we laid down and he held me and I felt so safe.

What if none of thats real? What he said to me last night? He can't possibly be attracted to me? Of all people he could be with. He's never been in a relationship before? Why now? What's changed?

Hell I'm not even 18 yet, give me a few more months! These are adult decisions that I can't make.  How does one even know if they like someone if they've never done this before. I don't know what I want.

But if I did leave I would say goodbye to my friends. To someone who will probably never leave my head, and he knows it. That's all he's done. Is get into my head. I was just lonely and excited someone was interested. He picked on me, said cruel things, then all of a sudden ignored me and now says he wants me? What is this thing I'm living??

I just know he's going to ruin me, if he hasn't already.