My Perfect Addiction

Chapter Thirty-Nine

I was laying the baby down, he just finished a bottle and was fast asleep, when there was a tap on the door. I figured hit was probably the night manager since no one knows where I was. I just wanted the baby to go to sleep so I can go to bed, Ive been falling apart for the last day straight and I just can't see to pull it together. I seen myself in the mirror as I walk to the door. My hair was disheveled, tears stained my face and my eyes red and swollen from all the crying. I don't even reconize myself. 

I opened the door and gasped my heart rate immediately picked up.

"Ryder...."

There he stood standing inches infront of me, drenched from the rain that continued to pour down on him, his normal bright blue eyes looked sad and dull.

"Ryder...baby girl...."

I just stared at him, and that even hurt. He took a step forward and tried to grab my hand,

"Stop!"

It hurt me to even have to say it because a part of me deep down still wants him.

"Ryder please Im sorry let me explain...please...baby"

"No Joe, there is no explaining anything."

"Its not what you think, I swear. Ryder I love you please."

"Its exactly what I think. the minute you thought you had a chance and I wasn't going to be around, that spoiled popstar that I kept telling myself you weren't came shining bright like a diamond and you started fucking around well I was at home alone with our baby just waiting for you to come home, because I can't sleep without you and all I wanted was to fall asleep with you. Instead you have some random hooker in you lap and a cup in your hand. Did you really think I wouldn't find out Joe? You are a fucking celebrity everything you do is out there. The funny thing is I always tell myself, that you love me and were in love there is no way you do something like this. I was terribly wrong."

"Ry Ry baby please you have to believe me, nothing happened. Im a mess without you.  Can I come in ten minutes thats all I asking, let me explain, then if you want me to leave Ill leave."

She sighed and stepped to the side never saying a word. I shut the door and there we both stood in the middle of this hole in the wall motel room. She couldn't even look at me and it broke my heart. I seen the tears slip out and I reached over to wipe it away and she turned away from me.

"Ryder, I love you please tell me you know that."

She didn't say a word,

"Ryder tell me you know....."

She whispered so low I almost didn't hear her,

"no you don't, you don't hurt the things and people you love. How did you find me anyways?"

"I never meant to hurt you. I found you from the credit card company. Im not going to sit here and make some excuse for being as drunk as I was because there isn't any reason for it but Ryder nothing happened with that girl or any other girl. Ask anyone there I didn't do anything. I just wanted that club appearance to hurry up and be over so I could get home and be with you and him."

"Joe that sounds like the biggest load of crap ever, if you didn't want to be in that situation you wouldn't have been. But again you're Joey fucking McIntyre and you do whatever you want regardless of who you hurt. You hurt me once and I forgave you, but not this time. Our son is in the middle of this, you remember him right?"

"Ryder Lynn its my job, I had to be there. That job afforded you that little lifestyle you got use too. The money for the house and the cars and the shopping and lunches and day spa's have to come from somewhere. I don't know how many times I have to say Im sorry for how I left for tour but I had no idea how you felt because you never tell anyone shit. Stryker how dare you throw him in the middle of this Ryder like my entire word has revolved around him for the split second I found out about him and every minute since. My entire life revolved around both of you or did you forget when you almost died after you had him and I spent every second at that hospital with you, if I didn't love you or want you do you fucking think I do any of it...no!"

"It sounds like more excuses to get out of it and I really don't have anything else to say Joe....I really don't."

"So where does that leave us, leave us as a family then Ryder because regardless we are always going to be tied together because of Stryker?"

"I don't know what you want me to say, there is no us anymore, you seen to it. I'll let you be a father to Stryker but you and me are done and its not because I don't love you, I always have and I always will but I can't do this and Im not going too. Im not going to be the girlfriend or wife who just turns a blind eye to all the cheating because your famous, I wont do it."

"Ryder, I love you, I always have I never cheated on you, you should know me better than that. Please don't do this, I can't make it without you, I don't even want to try. Please just get the baby and come home, we will figure it out, I will make it better. I need you Ryder, I never needed anyone as much as I need you."

"I can't Joe, I just can't. I think you need to leave."

I couldn't help the tears the streamed from my eyes as she said that, I really couldn't. Ever since she came trotting back into my life in them sky high heels backstage and we kissed me life has never been the same. I don't know how do survive without her. I look at her and she is my entire soul outside my body.

"Please baby, I need you don't do this."

I couldn't say anything because if I did I never be able to do this. Do I want this no...not even close. What I want is the last twenty four hours to not have happened. What I want is to throw myself into his arms and kiss him and never let go, but I look at him and I can't unsee him sitting there drunk with another drink in his hand, with no shirt on and that girl on his lap. So I did the only thing I could so and walked to the door pulling it open. I watched the look on his face and it felt like a gut punch.

"Goodbye Joe...."

"Ryder no please..."

"Goodbye."

He sighed and walked to the door stopping and turning around. I feel his lips press against mine and he whispers,

"I love you"

before he pulls back and walks away. I wanted to chase him and tell him to come back but my body wouldn't move as I stood trembling at the door, not even wanting to believe that he was gone that it was over.