PROMISE

TWENTY-NINE: Tongue Or Hands

AMANDA

I WAS IN NO condition to drive but I didn't have any other choice. There was no way I could muster the courage to go back in there and ask to either stay the night or for Kyle to drive me home.

I clutched my chest tightly with shaky hands. It was getting harder to breath every second. Each breath was like swallowing needles, each more painful than the last.

I want to die right here.

I fumbled with my car keys, choking on my sobs when they tumbled down to the ground for the fifth time. I had to force myself to stop looking behind my shoulders for any sign of Kyle. It hurt that he didn't even want to try and fight for me. It sucked really bad. My hand finally stopped shaking long enough for me to open the door.

A few more minutes then I'll be home.

"I don't want you to leave Amanda."

I froze at his voice. My heart stopped for the barest of a second, afraid to breath in case I had imagined his voice. I forced myself to turn around, suppressing a sob when I found him there. He was disheveled like I hadn't just seen him a few minutes ago.

"I can't tell you everything you want to know because I know how much it will hurt you if you really knew. I need you to trust me on this please. Trust me that I'll never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Can you do that for me?" I shook my head, more tears flowing all over my face.

"How can I trust you when you won't even tell me how you feel about me? How can I, when you won't give me what I want?" His eyes pleaded with mine to understand him. Understand where he was coming from but I resisted the pull. Being away from him physically hurt me. It always had.

"I just want you to put me first Kyle. For once just tell me where I stand in your life. You know exactly where you stand in mine. Why can't you do the same for me?" He took a few careful steps, stopping before he could reach me. Understanding my need for distance. No matter how much it hurts.

"It's not that simple. Please let's just go back inside and talk about this." I sighed, getting a grip on my keys. It was no use crying over this anymore.

"It's too late for that."

"At least don't drive in that state." I chuckled feeling like I was losing my mind.

"In what state? Oh you mean this state that you put me in? I should be used to it now. I mean, I did tell you that you would hurt me again. God why am I so stupid."

"Damn it. That was never my intention to hurt you Amanda. I swear to you."

"Then why won't you stop doing it? Why don't you want me to be in your life?"

"Don't you realise that you're already in it? You've always been in the center of it all!" He declared, loudly and angrily, my heart hammering in my chest. It was so loud I could clearly hear the sound of it. He didn't realise it but his words were enough to heal a small part of me.

"You will never understand the importance you hold in my life. You mean more to me than any other person in the world. I know it's not what you want to hear but I hope for now it's enough. I hope it's enough knowing that the thought of you leaving me..." His words trailed off, as he swallowed hard while shaking his head.