Fixing Broken Hearts

18

Warnings:
-Suicidal + self harm thoughts

Elliot's POV

I was shaking and crying loudly when I laid in Tristan's arms. The nightmares didn't stop anymore and it went from one a week to every night at least one. They stressed me out so much that I either went to Clay to check if he was okay, or I went downstairs and walked around for most of the night.

'I'm here with you, Elliot. For as long as you want me to be,' Tristan comforted me, but the need to talk about my situation started to grow in my chest and caused a feeling of anxiety.

I wanted to talk about it so bad that my chest began to hurt from holding back something I couldn't anymore. My stomach was hurting from the nerves and nausea began to get worse. I knew I had to open up or else I would throw up from the awful pain inside until I finally had someone to talk to.

'I can't take it anymore,' I started. 'And I'm not the one who should complain, but my mental health is getting worse day after day. I feel anxious, so anxious that there's moments where I can't speak or move anymore. I've never been this scared in my entire life, I barely sleep either...'

Tristan nodded and pressed his cheek against mine to be close to me. He closed his eyes and fully focused on my voice, but soon noticed I shut down and didn't know what to say anymore.

'Why is that, Elliot?' he asked, but something in his voice made me realise he was already suspecting it.

I looked him into his eyes and grasped onto his hands. 'My... father,' I stumbled, turning my eyes away again. 'I don't know how to say this...'

'Elliot, is your father abusive?' he questioned. I just stared at him again and felt like freezing. However, before I did, I managed to nod very slowly with a tear rolling down my cheek.

'First of all, I'm so proud of you for telling me. Secondly, I know how awfully hard this must have been for you and I'm really glad we can share this burden together. I will be here for you and so will my parents.'

'You can't tell them, you can't tell anyone about this!' I exclaimed. 'And I'm just being dramatic, I'm not the one who should complain.'

'I won't tell anyone and you aren't complaining, Elliot. This is really hard for Clay, because I suspect all of those injuries have been caused by your father, but I think that seeing someone get abused is just as difficult, if not more difficult.'

'I get these random flashbacks,' I whispered. 'I have nightmares every day and sometimes I just see my father hit Clay over and over. All of my flashbacks and nightmares end with me trying to run to Clay, but I'm stuck and I can't move. I have to watch how my father slowly kills him and I try to scream, but I can't. I can't move, I'm stuck!'

I started to get more and more hopeless because my body was feeling paralysed again. My hands started to shake and I felt another panic attack coming up, like they did multiple times a day.

'It sounds like...' Tristan started, shrugging slightly. 'I'm not a doctor, but this sounds like PTSD.'

'I can't have that, I'm not the one suffering. I just can't deal with it anymore and all the stress. I want to die, Tris. I just want to die.'

'Elliot... don't say that,' Tristan whispered. 'Do you realise how much I love you? I'm not going to tell you to not commit suicide just because I said so, but I hope you realise there's people who love you so much more than you are able to understand at this point. What would Clay do without you?'

'I'm useless, Tristan. I'm a worthless piece of shit. He was beaten up and I stood still, just watching. I couldn't move, but I was just being a pussy. I hate myself, I HATE myself. I want to hurt myself the whole day long, I'm worthless. I can't stand looking at myself knowing I didn't help Clay again. I keep seeing him beaten up, I can't do this anymore.'

'You are the worthiest person in my life and I actually- never mind. Anyway, I don't hate you and I know for sure you couldn't move because you've been traumatised, not because you're weak or anything.'

I looked at the love in his eyes when he looked at me, moving my hand to the side of his neck. 'What did you want to say?'

'Nothing...' he mumbled with a breathless voice. 'Nothing important at least.'

'Tell me,' I said because I was starting to feel the tension between us grow. I laid my other hand down on his waist and moved closer, our bare chests touching.

'I'm uh-,' he stuttered as he felt my chest against his. His cheeks turned dark red and his breath was shaky as he breathed out. 'I-.'

I felt an irresistible urge to finally act on the feelings I had inside for a long time. He knew everything about me and I loved him, I knew I could trust him with anything and maybe even the most personal thing I hadn't even thought about myself.

I ran my hand over his chest, because I wished to feel his body for weeks before today. Then, before I would lose my courage, I laid one hand on his hip and leaned forward. Tristan swallowed and sucked in some air, carefully taking the step to sit down on my lap.

I pulled him closer to me and without hesitation, I pressed our lips together. It was like an immediate wave of butterflies attacked my stomach, heat rising to my cheeks until they were burning.

My heart was beating faster than it had ever done, but Tristan's heart beat so fast I could feel it against my chest. His cheeks were burning too and the passion as he kissed me back revealed his feelings for me.

I slowly pushed him down on his bed and felt his hands on my back to make me lay down on top of him. I did what he wanted me to and kept getting more and more into the kiss with a boy I liked for ages, but I was too scared to admit that.

I couldn't be into guys, because my father would straight up kill me. However, my father wasn't here and the urges were too strong to resist. I loved Tristan and knew for a fact I was into him...

I started to get more and more into the kiss and him. I just wanted to touch him and feel his body against mine. I couldn't even resist all of my feelings anymore and everything I once dreamt of just translated into real life.

However, right as we deepened the kiss and I took the step to connect my tongue with his, the door to his room was opened. I gasped and sat up within a second, snapping back to the horrible reality where nothing was perfect...

Tristan's mother walked in, but immediately held her hands in the air and turned around. She closed the door behind her without saying a word and walked off again, which left me alone with Tristan.

'She won't tell anyone,' he stumbled, seeing the panic in my eyes.

'Shut up!' I exclaimed. 'She walked in on us making out in our boxers. If my father figures this out, I'm literally dead!'

'He won't figure it out, I promise,' Tristan said, sitting up to sit down next to me. 'She won't even tell my dad if I ask her to. She probably was woken up because you screamed and wanted to check, that's it.'

'And she saw us making out, with barely any clothes on,' I groaned, the panic I felt getting so intense that I jumped up and grabbed my clothes. 'I have to go.'

'Elliot, wait. You can't go home in the middle of the night. Please, stay. I promise, no one will ever figure this out, I promise.'

'I'm not like you,' I grumbled. 'Okay? I'm not like that. I'm not...'

'I think you are...' Tristan replied as he smiled at me, comforting and way too sweet. 'And that's okay, Elliot. Even the masculine and straight-looking guys can be gay.'

I didn't answer and grabbed my stuff. 'I'm sleeping in the guest room...'

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