Fixing Broken Hearts

26

Warnings:
-Mentions physical (child) abuse

Elliot's POV

The coach blew his whistle to announce the end of the training. I was covered in sweat and walked to Tristan, who wiped his forehead as well. 'That was intense after a week without training,' he said while panting, leaning forward to put his hands on his knees.

'But it was a good distraction,' I replied. 'It's difficult to always be worried about Clay and my parents, but it feels good to be able to focus on myself for once as well. I will check up on Clay right away, though.'

Tristan grabbed my hand as everyone was walking off the field and smiled at me. 'Elliot, how are you feeling? Don't just focus on Clay all the time, I want to know how you are feeling today.'

I sighed softly and started scratching my skin right away. Tristan noticed and grabbed my other hand as well, a gentle, but patient smile on his face as he waited for me to answer.

'I'm not doing good, Tris,' I whispered, something I admitted for the first time in a long time. 'Not at all.'

'Talk to me,' he said, pulling me to a bench on the side of the field. 'Tell me about it.'

I looked at him for a second and then down to my hands. 'I keep getting flashbacks. I cry a lot more than I used to, sometimes I cry for hours when I try to fall asleep. There's days where I can't sleep at all or that I can't get out of bed anymore. I wake up from nightmares, I have panic attacks and even thinking about my father can make my throat close up and cause me to be unable to speak.'

He nodded and waited to see if I was done speaking. When he realised I was, he cuddled up with me and smiled. 'So, I've been doing some research so I could help you in the best way possible and it sounds like you could have post traumatic stress disorder, have you heard of that?'

I shrugged. 'I heard of the name, but that's basically it.'

'It's a stress disorder that occurs after or during a traumatic event. The beatings at home are so traumatic to you that your body wants to protect you from harm and shuts down. Flashbacks can very well be caused due to PTSD as well and give horrifying symptoms like depression, panic attacks and anxiety.'

'I don't have a trauma disorder...' I mumbled. 'I'm just seeing it happen, Clay is the one suffering.'

'Seeing it happen is one of the most traumatic things a human can experience. You've experienced helplessness in such an awful extend that your body fully shuts down when you're triggered. The sudden loss of speech could be caused by selective mutism after a traumatic event.'

I couldn't resist letting out a soft sob and curled up on the bench. 'But I can't be dramatic about this, Clay has to go through it and I'm making some scene about it.'

'And you have to see it. I think you've seen more than anyone can imagine and that's genuinely so traumatising. Clay copes with his trauma in other ways, maybe ways we don't fully know, but that doesn't mean you can't struggle. Your trauma is turning into PTSD, while his could turn into addiction or anything similar.'

'They hurt him so much, Tris,' I whispered. I leaned my head against his shoulders and closed my eyes. 'Closing my eyes can already be scary, it makes the visions clearer. One time, he was punched in the face. Blood was just pouring down his nose as he fell down against the table and was unconscious...'

Tristan was truly listening to me and stayed quiet to let me continue.

'He hit his head so hard that there was a cut in the back of it. Within seconds, the floor was covered with his blood and he didn't move at all. Our dad realised he would get in a lot of trouble if Clay died and brought him to the ER to act like the "good father".'

'I'm so sorry, Elliot. I can't even imagine what you're going through and how much stress this must be causing you. I promise, though, I'm here for you and I will be forever. I really, really, like you, El. You're the most handsome boy I've ever seen.'

'The stress is getting too much sometimes,' I muttered. 'I like you too, but I'm so afraid to say that out loud. I had a feeling I liked boys, but kept pushing it away because it made me so anxious.'

'What made you realise?' Tristan asked, but his voice was so loving that I had the courage to answer him.

'Don't laugh at me...'

'I promise, I would never do that. I respect your boundaries and all stories are different.'

I smiled at him and nodded. 'I guess I noticed it when I was scrolling through TikTok and kept wanting to search guys. I followed a few accounts just because they posted shirtless videos, but acted like I loved their content a lot and even convinced myself that that was the reason. Then I got interested in you. And you?'

'I've known it ever since I was born,' he replied. 'I don't know why, I've just always known I was into guys. I've tried to hide it for quite some time, but my parents knew it decently soon.'

'It still scares me so badly,' I whispered. 'I don't want to be stereotypical, but everyone sees me as a straight guy and even I genuinely thought I was straight until I fell for you. I know that's dumb to say, but I'm so afraid what others will think of me when I'm suddenly... gay.'

'You're not suddenly gay, El,' Tristan answered. 'You have been gay your whole life, or you've been into both genders your whole life, but it's not a sudden thing. Have you ever fallen in love with a girl? Have you felt the way you feel around me around anyone else?'

'I thought I was too young, but I never loved a girl. I saw Clay with his girlfriend a few times and I felt disgusted and was sure I never wanted that. I do remember I once saw a gay couple kiss in a series and it gave me butterflies. I wanted to experience love too from that day, but was sure it would be with a girl.'

Tristan nodded and looked around, leaning closer to me. He pecked my lips very shortly and immediately pulled away. 'I'm sorry, I should have asked. Was that okay?'

'It was,' I said with a soft giggle followed. 'I only have the courage to be myself around you...'

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