Fixing Broken Hearts

19

Warnings:
-Internalised homophobia

Tristan's POV

After a sleepless night, I walked into the kitchen as I rubbed my eyes from exhaustion. I breathed in through my nose and looked up, not expecting anyone to be here this early, which was why I hadn't even dressed up yet and just wore boxers.

However, as I raised my gaze, I saw Elliot sitting down on a chair in the kitchen, his elbows on top of the counter. He was staring in front of him, only his sweats on, which made it awfully hard for me to stay off him and act like nothing happened.

'Oh, hi,' I stumbled. 'I didn't know you would be here. Couldn't sleep either?'

He shook his head slowly but surely, his cheeks slowly turning from pinkish to dark red as he stared at me. 'Tris, can we just keep this a secret? I'm just not like that...'

I nodded with a shrug followed and walked to the cupboards. 'Have you eaten? We have soccer practice in an hour.'

'I'm not quite hungry,' he replied, giving me the opportunity to skip breakfast as well. I decided to sit down next to him and smiled shortly.

'Elliot, I promise you're okay. It doesn't matter to me if you're gay or straight, or anything in between. I like you, I like you a lot more than I've showed the past few months.'

'Tris, I can't be like that,' he whispered. 'I'm not like that...'

'El, you are and that's okay,' I replied. 'I know you felt a lot of things when we kissed and know for a fact you liked it, because you were turned on.'

'I didn't, I wasn't, I just didn't,' he stumbled, but we both knew he was lying.

'Elliot, please. I understand you have to hide yourself at home after what you told me, but you don't need to hide yourself around me. I promise you don't need to be any different from how you truly are.'

'I'm a Christian, I can't act on lust and impure thoughts,' he tried, but his voice broke and slowly the tears started to roll down his face.

'I'm a Christian too, but I've accepted that I've been made the way God made me. He made me gay and the way God made me is perfect.'

He shook his head and then turned his eyes down because he knew I was right. 'I'm just not like that. Tris, you know what my father does to Clay and he'll do the same to me if he figures out I made out with a guy. Your mother saw us and I don't know if she wouldn't tell anyone else about this...'

'I promise you, she won't tell anyone. I told my mother I was gay a year before I told anyone else and she hasn't told anyone, not even my father, because she knew I wasn't ready and didn't want anyone to know.'

I heard him gulp and raise his gaze again. 'I can't be with a guy... Even if I would be- you know, I won't be able to be together with you. I'm fifteen and can't move out, five years living a lie is too hard...'

'Do YOU think that's too hard or do you think it's too difficult for me to hide it?' I asked him with a soft smile, stepping a bit closer to him.

'I guess you... you're out already and wouldn't want to wait for a scared closeted guy,' I stumbled, which confirmed for me that he was truly into me.

'Elliot, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been in love with you for years. Patrick brought me happiness, but I've always loved you. I thought it would go away, and maybe it did for very shortly, but my love for you came back after weeks. I've been hiding that for so long, do you genuinely think I wouldn't be able to hide it for your dad?'

Elliot's cheeks got red and he slowly scanned my body. 'Dress up, idiot!' he yelled out, turning his head down from the embarrassment.

'Oh, are you flustered?' I questioned with a teasing smile.

'Tristan, I swear,' Elliot stumbled with a breathless voice. 'Don't get closer to me or I'll... do something bad!'

'Or you could kiss me?' I suggested as I took a step closer again. Elliot gasped and made eye contact with me for a second.

'I really don't like you,' he said as he stood up. 'Who cares...'

He leaned in and reconnected our lips, his hands immediately on my body as if he had been trying to stay off me for minutes. I ran my hand over his bare chest as well and deepened the kiss to continue where we stopped last time.

Elliot seemed a lot more confident and led me to the couch. He gently pushed me down and climbed on top, continuing the passionate kiss. I could feel all of his hidden emotions come out, the feelings he had for boys, but also the anxiety that came along with it.

He wanted to touch my body, but was too scared to at the same time. I broke the kiss and looked at him. 'Are you sure you're ready for this, El? I don't want you to regret this later.'

He swallowed and then shrugged. He let himself fall down next to me on the couch, his body pressed against the side of mine. Yet still, he connected our lips again, but this time for a slow and gentle kiss.

However, midway, I suddenly felt a tear drop down on my chin. I immediately pulled away and looked at him, tears rolling down his face. 'Elliot, what's wrong?'

He shrugged and wiped his tears away. 'I don't know. I'm over here, making out with a guy while Clay gets beaten up for breathing too loudly...'

'Elliot, are you too afraid to come out for what you're feeling because you think it's unfair towards Clay?'

He nodded, soft sobs breaking my heart. 'I can't be with you, it would break Clay's heart that I'm doing stuff that's wrong and won't get punished for it...'

'We aren't in the wrong, Elliot,' I started. 'What do YOU want? Forget everyone around, just say the first thing that comes up in your mind, okay? Three, two, one...'

'You, I want you...' he mumbled. 'But I can't have you...'

'I want you too,' I replied. 'More than anything in this world. I know it'll be difficult, but I swear, I will never out you to anyone. I will wait until you're ready and if that's ten years, I'm okay with it.'

'I'm not ready... Can we forget about this? I'm not even ready to admit that I'm... into you,' he said with more tears rolling down his face. 'I cry so much about it, it's keeping me up at night and so does Clay's situation. It makes me feel like I can't breath and I'm stuck in a hopeless and never-ending cycle that'll be the end of me.'

I saw his body tensing up and slowly but surely, he lost his ability to speak again due to his severe trauma. I wrapped my arm around him and smiled softly. 'You don't need to speak and we will just wait until you're ready. I have to tell Patrick that I'm going to break up with him too.'

Elliot couldn't even nod anymore from the severe anxiety. He seemed to hold his breathe, which made me sit down and hold him tightly against my body. 'I love you, Elliot. We are going to beat all of the pain you're going through together, I promise.'

1283 words