Fixing Broken Hearts

41

Warnings:
-Eating disorder behaviour (bingeing + purging (self-induced vomiting))
-Mentions sexual addiction
-Mentions self harm

Elliot's POV

~ A Few Days Later ~

'Elliot, you have to get up and take your medication,' someone demanded as he shook my body. I groaned and turned away from him, who sounded like Tristan. 'Elliot, you've been in bed for eighteen hours, you have to get up.'

I ignored him and closed my eyes again, which made Tristan pull my arm. I abruptly rolled to my back because of it and glanced at the ceiling with wide open eyes. I gasped and felt my hands shaking immediately as I saw my father in front of me again.

It freaked me out so badly that I turned towards Tristan and suddenly felt my hand slapping him into the face in order to protect myself. However, right the second my hand connected with his face, I realised it was Tristan in front of me and gasped again, eyes filling with tears.

'Oh, goodness,' I whispered as I slammed my hands to my mouth from shock. 'I didn't mean to do that... I'm so sorry.'

Tristan gulped and backed off a little, staring in front of him for a while to recollect his thoughts. 'Why?' he stumbled, the sadness in his eyes making me tear up. 'I was trying to wake you up gently and you didn't even speak to me...'

'I'm really sorry!' I exclaimed as I sat up and moved closer to give him a kiss on his burning cheek, that was getting more and more red. 'You pulled my arm and...'

A tear dropped down, which suddenly seemed to make Tristan realise what was going on. He gently grabbed my hand and smiled, moving closer to give me a kiss on my nose.

'I'm sorry, Elliot. I didn't realise I shouldn't have pulled your arm like that, but would prefer it if you tell me next time. I won't do it again, I promise.'

Tears began to roll down my face as I shook my head softly. 'I'm not okay, Tris... I can't control myself anymore and I've... done some stupid stuff.'

'What have you done?' he asked, his voice cracking from the emotions he was feeling as well as I did.

'You're just going to be upset with me... I don't want to talk about it. I'm really embarrassed and upset with myself.'

'Elliot, I want you to feel safe and talk to me about everything that's going on. I would never judge or blame you for anything you've done, you know that, right?'

'I'm not ready to tell anyone,' I admitted. 'I'm really sorry.'

'That's okay, I won't force you to tell me anything. Take your time, I'll be here if you do feel ready. Alright, stand up. I know you don't like it, but I want you to walk downstairs with me to grab your medication.'

I sighed deeply and nodded slowly, remembering yesterday clearly again. Heat rose to my face from embarrassment, but I tried to push it away. I wasn't ready to even think about it, definitely not telling someone...

~~~

However, as much as I tried to forget about the bad habits I got into while recovering from my psychosis, I couldn't stop with them either. Within days, I went from not caring about this stuff to addicted and completely obsessed.

I felt awfully embarrassed as I plugged my earphones into my phone and pulled the sheets over my body so no one would be able to see what I was doing. But if you thought porn and masturbation were the only things...

I honestly felt more lost than I did during my psychosis and was hopelessly trying to find for ways to distract my mind from the traumas and pain inside. I stopped eating, but got awfully hungry from it.

As soon as I got addicted to porn and touching myself, I got really mad at myself. I started hitting my arms, but didn't want to bruise myself. Tristan was constantly keeping an eye on my behaviour to make sure I didn't self harm and relapsed again, while in fact, I did relapse days ago.

Eventually, the pain the hitting gave me wasn't enough anymore and when I went downstairs in the middle of the night to grab a snack, I binged on the food. To punish myself, I forced myself to throw up the food I ate and eventually got lost in an endless cycle.

I woke up somewhere late in the afternoon, watched porn and masturbated, sometimes for hours, then I either fell back asleep or binged, threw up right after that and harmed myself. I was genuinely so ashamed of myself and started to create a severe hate for myself.

I didn't want to be some addict, or an overly sexual idiot. I felt guilt, shame and disgust, yet still, craved it more and more. The one video then turned into hours of them, masturbation once a day turned into five to twelve times a day. Eventually, binging became something that happened twice a day, throwing up as well...

!! binge + purging !!

And again, after hours of porn, I was walking downstairs and grabbed the box full of snacks. I immediately lost control again and stuffed them into my mouth at the highest speed possible.

Before I was able to process what I started, I was so full that I couldn't even swallow the last bite of the cookie I ate. I threw the package aside and ran to the bathroom, my rhythm repeating like every other day.

I lifted my fingers up to my mouth, sticking them deep inside of my throat. I gagged louder than I wanted to, but felt the food come back up, the acid stinging heavily in my throat as I threw up part of what I ate.

I continued over and over until I was sure my stomach was empty. I fell down after flushing it, but felt too weak to stand up. Instead, I started pinching my skin as I crawled outside. However, when I did, I suddenly saw Tristan standing in front of me.

!! over !!

'Elliot? Are you alright? Did you get sick?' he asked with a concerned voice. I felt embarrassment getting worse and hopelessly, I made up an excuse to cover up my behaviour.

'I was hungry, I guess, and grabbed a cookie, but my stomach clearly couldn't take it,' I lied, hiding my hand behind my back because my knuckles were bright red.

'Elliot, you should have called me!' he exclaimed. 'Are you still feeling sick? Or do you want me to prepare something for you?'

'No, I would like to just go to bed, I guess. I hope I didn't wake you or your parents up. I must be a burden.'

'You aren't a burden, Elliot. You never bother me, I promise,' he answered with a sweet and comforting voice. He gave me a kiss on my cheek and lifted me up. 'I'll bring you to bed and tuck you in so you're safely wrapped in!'

'That makes me feel safe, but even saver if you would stay with me. But it's okay if not, though.'

'I will grabbed my stuffed sheep and I'll come to you. I can't sleep without him,' he admitted, which made me smile.

'You're so sweet, thank you for being so great.'

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