Fixing Broken Hearts

49

Warnings:
-Panic attack + dissociation (psychosis)

Clay's POV

Tristan was playing with my hands because he was "anxious", but I knew he made up an excuse to hold my hands after sensing I was having a lot of trouble trying to stay off myself. I really appreciated his help and leaned against his pillow.

Just as I was about to close my eyes, I heard a tiny knock on Tristan's door. He mumbled something and we both glanced towards the door that was slowly opening. Soon enough, we saw the awfully pale Elliot appear from behind it.

I gasped and saw Tristan jump up to run to him, but he was holding himself back due to the amount he had gotten hurt before. Soon after he entered, his friend, that I didn't know the name of, walked in as well and cluelessly looked around if he could sit somewhere.

'I'm sorry...' Elliot whispered before he found a place to sit. 'I'm really sorry, I don't want to be the person I am right now. I'm so sorry for how much I've hurt you, I'm so sorry for everything I've done.'

It stayed quiet for a while. I was trying to look for words, but the longer passed, the more Elliot's expression turned to hopeless. He turned to the door, but the guy grabbed his shoulder and shook his head. 'Don't leave again, remember what I told you.'

Elliot looked like he was on the verge of tears and then suddenly broke down, falling onto his knees. 'I d-don't want help, but I don't w-want to be this way anymore. I'm so s-scared all day, I do anything t-to avoid thinking about the p-past. I want to b-be normal, but I feel l-like I'm lost.'

Tristan knelt down next to Elliot and carefully wrapped his arm around him. 'Elliot, no one is lost...'

'I hate myself so much,' he cried out, laying his forehead on the floor while tears streaming down his cheeks. 'I want to die, I really do.'

His cries got louder and louder and before I realised, he started hyperventilating and shook heavily. Tristan pulled him onto his lap while he cried and cried, automatically moving his hand to his pants.

'I need to u-use drugs,' he shouted. 'I need it, I NEED IT! Let go of me, asshole. LET GO OF ME, I HATE YOU.'

He started hitting Tristan so he would let go, but Tristan held him even tighter. Tears filled my eyes when I saw him hopelessly moving his hand over his pants. Even after Tristan tried to grab his hands three times, he became so strong that he pulled away.

I could feel his anger and hopelessness. I was once where he was right now, wanting to do drugs so badly that masturbation was the only way to get my mind off those thoughts. Even though it may have been weird to others, Tristan gave up the fight as well and rocked with Elliot in his arms while he couldn't stay off himself.

'I don't want to stop, I don't want to stop!' he screamed out. 'I feel terrible, I feel like dying. I don't want to feel this way, give me drugs! Let me cut myself or masturbate, STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME!'

I saw a completely dissociated look in his eyes and knelt down in front of him as well as the guy decided to leave us alone for now. 'Elliot, we aren't forcing you to stop, I promise. We want you to stop because it's better for you.'

'I can't trust you,' he exclaimed hopelessly. 'You took everything away from me! You're not letting me do anything to feel safe anymore!'

'Elliot, we haven't done anything to stop you. We aren't stopping you now from touching yourself either because I know that if we do, you'll freak out so badly that I think you're going to injure us.'

'I need to masturbate, I have to feel better,' he cried. 'I only feel happy when I have sex and when I'm high.'

'I think you wouldn't do okay if you quit all of your addictions at once, and we would let you do what you crave, but we don't want you to be alone right now,' Tristan said with an honest voice.

'You're just looking at me for your own pleasure, just like Brandon!' he yelled out. 'I need more drugs, I'm not high enough anymore.'

'When did you use drugs for the last time?' I asked.

'An hour ago, I need more. I drank a lot, I used a ton, but I need more. Give me MORE!'

He pushed his hand into his pants, which made me turn away because I didn't want to invade his privacy while he was high and awfully confused.

'I'm bringing him to the bathroom and I'll stay at the door,' Tristan suggested as he stood up to bring Elliot there and give him the privacy he needed.

However, as soon as Tristan closed the door, I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and started crying. Tristan walked up to me and wrapped his arm around me, giving me a gentle kiss on my cheek.

'I'm here for you,' he whispered, but I shook my head.

'You need someone just as much. I don't want you to be here just for me, I want us to be here for each other. You are the kindest soul and how you treated me, knowing I was struggling, was the worthiest thing someone has done to me.'

'But he's your brother and-,' he started in an attempt to shift the focus away from him.

'And you love him romantically, which is just as special, if not more special. I know you're hurting, but if we do this together, we can fight through it and support him.'

Tristan nodded slowly as Elliot walked into the room again with tears rolling down his face. 'I don't want to touch myself, help me.'

He gasped for air as he cried and sat down on the floor, laying his hands down on the floor. 'I washed them, does someone want to hold my hands?'

He suddenly seemed like a little kid who was begging his mother for a hug, but I grabbed his hands right away as he cried and cried. 'Elliot, you're strong enough. I'm going to lay you down in bed, tuck you in and let you sleep. I promise, tomorrow will be a bit better.'

'You have to cut off my hands! Clay, I saw dad earlier this morning. I think he handed me drugs and when I was in the bathroom, I heard his voice!' Elliot exclaimed, which made Tristan gasp and look at me right away.

'Elliot, have you been taking your medication?'

'I don't have medication,' he sobbed, curling up on the floor. Tristan grabbed his phone immediately as I sighed softly, pulling Elliot closer to me.

'Yeah, I need an ambulance. My friend was brought to the hospital a while ago while having psychosis. He got medication, but stopped taking them and took a lot of substances, I'm afraid he's having psychosis again because it seems like he's hallucinating.'

I pulled Elliot close, tightly on my lap as I kissed his hair. 'I love you so much, Elliot. So much that you can't even count it on ten hands! I'm with you, okay? I promise.'

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