Fixing Broken Hearts

50

Warnings:
-Mentions suicide

Elliot's POV

~ A Few Weeks Later ~

I tried to fix my hair again and glanced at my therapist behind me. 'Are you sure I look good? I really want to impress Tristan...'

'You look amazing, honey,' she replied. 'And either way, they are going to be so incredibly proud of you. Do you even realise you've been clean and sober for two weeks and a few days?'

'I guess so,' I answered with a soft chuckle. 'I think I look a bit better, I'm less pale.'

'Oh, sweetheart, you look a million times better than when you got here while being high and severely addicted. I'm also really proud of you for initiating the fight against it, because at first, you only came here because of your second psychosis.'

'I never in my life want to get one of those again,' I groaned. 'Everything I remember is the deep and insane hopelessness during them. I really don't want to feel like that again, and drugs and trauma triggered it.'

'The psychosis was triggered by severe mental health problems, mostly C-PTSD, and was worsened by drugs. The chance to get another one is really low as long as you keep taking the anti-psychotic medication you've been given.'

'I took it everyday, just like my other medication!' I exclaimed excitedly. 'I'm not very excited to get trauma treatment, though...'

'Honey, I promise it's going to be okay. You're going to be in a room with someone you trust and very safe surroundings. If you want to stop, they'll stop right away. If you need to cry or scream, that's okay.'

'Do you think it would be stupid to ask for therapy about... Brandon too? He didn't really do anything and we were high so it's not that bad, but he and the man in the park just really scared me.'

'Elliot, it's YOUR therapy and you can bring up anything you want. They will definitely focus on the abuse and the day your father passed, but any topic that's brought up will be treated.'

'I'm not sure if I'm ready for that,' I stumbled, turning my eyes away. 'But I guess I have to. I haven't seen Tristan in a few weeks, can I finally go to see him?'

'Okay, but sweetheart, I want you to be honest to me. If you feel suicidal, get the urge to drink or do drugs, go out to clubs or hurt yourself, I want you to call me and then you're coming back here earlier.'

'But I'm always suicidal, I won't act as the thoughts want me to, though,' I admitted, which made her smile.

'That's such a strong thing to say, sweetheart. Can you promise me to call me if you feel like relapsing?'

'I don't want to relapse, but what if I do? Will you hate me and stop taking care of me?' I asked hopelessly. 'Would it be bad if I touch myself even more when I struggle and want to drink?'

'Elliot, I would never hate you, honey. We decided to work on your alcohol and drugs addiction before your sex addiction because the drugs was severely harming your body. Two addictions at the same time is too much and for now, it's okay to use it as a coping mechanism. We are going to work on this when you're more stable and the withdrawal is gone, though.'

'I want to work on it, but I think I would go insane if I lose all of my methods to find control. I already stopped harming myself, I quit drugs and alcohol and try to binge and throw up as little as I can.'

'And I'm really proud of you, sweetie. It's not a shame at all that you still deal with your masturbation and porn addiction, but Elliot, do you realise you've been working on your sex addiction too?'

I shrugged. 'No, I still touch myself...'

'Yeah, but you haven't had sex with anyone in a few weeks!' she exclaimed, which made me smile softly as soon as I realised it. 'You haven't sent sexual videos to people, you haven't asked people to send them to you. You haven't gone out to have sex, you have even removed your videos online!'

I squeezed my hands and squealed softly. 'I didn't really look at it like that! Can I have a hug? I really like you.'

She grasped onto me right away and tightly wrapped me into her arms, a hug she seemed to need.

'Are you okay?' I asked as I looked up at her again, her eyes filled with tears. 'You can talk to me about it too.'

'I don't want to bother you, love. You should go outside, Tristan is waiting!'

'No, I want to wait until you're okay,' I demanded as I sat down on my bed again. 'What's wrong?'

'You just... remind me of my son,' she whispered.

'Is he cool? Could I meet him?' I questioned, but she softly shook her head. 'Oh, I'm sorry for asking.'

'Honey, I would have let you meet him, but his life ended abruptly, he was taken from me right after my husband was.'

I gasped and looked at her with wide open eyes. 'May I ask what happened?'

'He ended his life because he was bullied for... being gay,' she mumbled. 'I tried to help him, but when my husband, his father, passed away, he couldn't take it anymore and ended it when he was fourteen...'

I jumped up and immediately wrapped my arms around her again, the realisation finally shooting through me. 'I'm going to fight, I promise.'

'You already are...' she stumbled, wiping her tears away. 'And I'm very proud.'

'No, I wasn't fighting as hard as I could have, but you just made me realise what I'm doing. I need to fight, I don't want to die, I want to be here and grow up. I have to fight to live and I want to live to help people like me so there won't be more mothers losing their children.'

'Oh, I love you so much, sweetheart,' she said as she held me tightly. 'Go see Tristan, honey.'

'Thank you,' I exclaimed as I ran to the door she opened for me. I started running across the hallways and stormed to the exit. Without doubt, I opened the door and jumped into Tristan's arms.

He stumbled backwards, but managed to stay standing up and held his arms below my thighs as I wrapped my legs around his waist and my head on his shoulder. 'I love you, Tristan. I love you so much.'

'I love you too,' he replied with a shy voice. 'And I'm also... pretty in love with you.'

I giggled shyly and looked at him, then I connected our lips together as if there was no tomorrow. Tristan kissed me back right away and moved his hand to my hair, putting me down after a while.

'Do you actually still like me after everything I have done?' I asked insecurely. 'I'm very ashamed of myself and-.'

'Those things are in the past, Elliot. You were lost and it wasn't Elliot who did those things, because Elliot isn't lost and he wouldn't ever do those things.'

'But I think you should know I've... lost my virginity and slept with more than-.'

'No, I don't think I should know,' he replied, giving me a kiss on my cheek. 'The mentally lost Elliot lost his virginity, the Elliot I know didn't.'

'But maybe I'll never be ready to do it anymore, because I'm terrified to relapse.'

'Then we never do it, that's completely fine with me,' Tristan answered as he gave me another kiss on my cheek. 'As long as I can be with the cutest and sweetest boy I know.'

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