[√]Lady of the White Rose

43: Fragment Of The Past

VESPER

The huge door opened a little more. It looks like a door leading to a completely different world. A magical one at that. My feet move on their own towards it. Tumigil lamang ako nang makarating ako sa harap nito.

Ilang sandali akong nag-isip kung papasok ba ako o hindi, bago napagpasyahang pumasok sa loob nito. Isang nakakasilaw na liwanag ang sumalubong sa aking. Naitaas ko ang kamay ko at napapikit dahil sa liwanag.

When my eyes adjusted from the blinding light, I roam my eyes around, looking and wondering where I was.

"Conditions have met, replaying a fragment of the past."

Muli ko na naman narinig ang boses ng isang hindi pamilyar na babae sa aking utak. It keeps on repeating the same statement since a while ago. What conditions is it talking about?

And what does she mean by replaying a fragment of the past?

I was distracted when the surrounding suddenly move and changes, walls have formed, then the floor with intricate tiled designs, ceilings with angels and birds painting, a sofa set made from the finest silk in the kingdom, chandeliers above adorn with diamonds and coated with pure gold. Curtains dancing from the afternoon wind, the door leading to the veranda is open.

A pregnant woman was sitting in the sofa, embroidering something. The happiness was obviously seen on her smiling face, she even giggle from time to time as she gently caress her huge stomach. I don't recognize her but I do recognize the room. It's one of the room at the third floor of our estate, I know this because I once sneak inside once. Then father lock the room for some reason.

The woman raise her head, our eyes meet, she smile. My heart jump in surprised, akala ko talaga ay nakita ako nito. Ngunit biglang may lalakeng dumating at dinaanan lamang ako nito n para bang isa akong kaluluwa.

"Val!" The woman exclaim excitedly, she even let go of her embroidery just to return the hug from the man. The man then kiss the woman in the forehead as he seated beside her.

"I miss you, Kait," the man mumbles, almost exhausted. His hand crawl towards her huge tummy. "And our baby, too. How are you, V? Daddy's here!"

"You're already calling her, V. Deciding on her name on your own again?" Tila ay nagtatampo nitong sambit.

Bigla silang dalawa natigilan nang sumipa ang sanggol sa sinapupunan ng babae. Nagkatinginan silang dalawa.

"She likes it," the man beam in delight.

"No, she isn't! Her name's Katherine!"

"What? You can't be serious! She's V, baby!"

"Heh, hindi mo ako madadaan sa mga paganyan mo, Val!"

Ito ba 'yong tinatawag nilang paglalandian? First time seeing one. Kind of gross but the man looks familiar. He has an uncanny resemblance to father. Or am I just missing him too much that I'm seeing him towards other man.

"You okay?" The woman ask after a while. The man sigh, obviously exhausted.

"Is it about the Caliber Dukedom, again?" The woman added.

"Yeah," he close his eyes and lean towards her.

"I thought they already given up the project last month, they're still pestering you over it?"

"Looks like they don't plan on throwing that absolute trash of a project in the trash can." Natawa naman ang babae dahil sa sinabi nito. "Be more extra careful, baby, it looks like they're starting to move again."

"I see. It seems like they won't stop unless I die."

"I won't let you die,"

Biglang bumukas ang pinto at pumasok ang dalawang batang lalakeng nagtutulakan pa. Halos mahigit ko ang hininga ko nang makita ang mga pamilyar nilang mga mukha. Tila nakikita ko sina Kuya Kaido at Kuya Iklis sa kanila noong mga bata pa ang mga ito. Napalunok ako dahil sa ideyang nabubuo sa utak ko.

Sa totoo lang ay hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako, kung bakit ako nandito at kung paano ako napunta rito. Pamilyar ang silid, pamilyar din ang mga taong nakikita ko. Hindi ako sigurado ngunit hindi kaya ay nabalik ako sa nakaraan? Sinabi rin ng tinig kanina tungkol sa replaying a fragment of the past. Is this the past where I wasn't still born?

The past where mother was still alive?

Nabato ako sa aking kinatatayuan when a realization dawn unto me. Is the woman I'm seeing in front of me, my mother? Is she the mother who gave birth to me? The mother I've never seen? The mother whose existence was shrouded in mystery?

Pinanood ko silang apat na magkulitan at magkwentuhan. Puno ng mga ngiti ang mga mukha nila, hindi mo kakikitaan ng kahit ano mang bakas ng lumbay o lungkot. Isang perpektong larawan ng isang masayang pamilya.

Itinaas ko ang aking kamay, sinubukan kong abutin sila ngunit biglang nagkaroon ng bitak ang paligid. Para bang salaming krystal na unti-unting nababasag. Ngunit hindi ito alintana ng apat na tao at patuloy lamang sa masayan nilang pag-uusap.

"S-sandali..." Tumakbo ako papunta sa kanila ngunit sa bawat hakbang ko papunta sa kanila ay tila lumalayo naman ang mga ito. "Teka, papa! Kuya Kaido! Kuya Iklis!"

I run. And run. And run. And run until I lost my breath. They were so close yet so far away, it even looks like I can touch them if I just extend my hand. But when I do, I couldn't touch them.

Mas lalong dumami ang mga bitak sa paligid. Like the space itself is breaking away. The scene broke into millions of tiny pieces and I was left there feeling this unbearable longing in my heart. Like an empty space that couldn't be filled. A void. A hollow place.

Napaluhod ako habang nakatulala sa kawalan. Gaya kanina, bumalik na naman ako sa isang madilim na lugar. Hindi na ako tumayo at inalam pa kung saang lupalop ako ng mundo. Nanatili lang akong nakatulala. Feeling the emptiness within me.

The one who let me saw the past is such a cruel person. Ilang sandali niya lang ipinakita sa akin ngunit ngayon ay halos mamatay ako sa sobrang lungkot na nararamdaman. I saw the face of my mother for the first time in my entire life. She's beautiful, with beautiful eyes that shrink everytime she smiles.

My mother whom I never know but left an empty, hollow place in my heart. I kept on longing for her warmth I've never even experience before. I wonder what does it felt like to have a mother. Will she sing me lullaby when I couldn't sleep at night?

Will she tuck me to bed, kiss me goodnight or read me bedtime stories? Does her touch feels warm or cold? Is her hands big like father?

Will she brush my hair, braided them or maybe a pigtails? Will she teach me embroidery? Maybe archery?

My father... And brother who did everything they can to fill in the gap left by my mother. I miss them more now that I saw them again. I was again reminded that I will never be ready to let them go, to bid them goodbye, to bury them beneath the ground. I don't want to... Because this one means forever.

I miss going to the market with them. I miss playing with them... Everything about them. I miss everything about my family.

"Replaying a fragment of the past is finished."

"Returning to the present time... In

3...

2...

1..."

I feel the cold embrace of the darkness surrounding me, slowly lulling me to sleep. I was too sad... And all of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the world has drained me for everything that I had.

Tired...

There are two types of tired, I suppose. One is a dire need of sleep, the other is a dire need of peace.