As Long As I'm Here // Billie Eilish

Brains

TW!
This chapter contains talk about anxiety/panic attacks.

I wake up before Billie the next morning, we both are still in our clothes from yesterday. I look over at her and see her moving around a little before she opens her eyes. I smile at her and turn around so that we are face to face.

"Good morning, how are you feeling?"

"I'm so sorry you had to see me like that yesterday" she says avoiding eye contact.

"First of all, you have nothing to be sorry about. And secondly, you didn't answer my question. How are you feeling?"

She smiles at me and blushes.

"Sorry. I'm feeling better now. It all just kept adding up yesterday and eventually I just couldn't hold it back anymore"

"I'm glad that you are feeling better today. But you shouldn't keep everything inside of you and for yourself for that long though. Next time, tell someone so that you can get the help you need in time"

"You were so nice with me last night Tuva. It's, you know.. kind of scary"

"It's terrifying to have anxiety attacks, I know. But you handled it so well"

"When you told me what was happening, like, why I was breathing so fast and all that shit.. I felt like, safe" she says and blushes again.

"I personally think that it's easier to deal with hard things and emotions if you know why your body reacts the way it does. Then it's less scary, at least I think" I say and smile at her.

"Yeah, I think you are right.. I've only had like one or two panic attacks before and I didn't tell anyone about it cause it felt so embarrassing.."

"That's really something you shouldn't be embarrassed about. As I said, next time just tell someone what you need so that they can help you. It doesn't matter who, just tell someone. How did you manage before when you had anxiety attacks and were alone?"

"I, I really don't know. I think I fainted once and when I woke up I could breath normally again. But, like, it's scary as fuck dude. It feels like you're dying"

"I know, your brain is telling your body that you are in danger. And even if it's not true your body starts to respond to that with for example hyperventilating. You know, the human brain is like over a million years old and still thinks that we live on the savannah. If a lion came, then you had to run, and fight back. And in order to do that, you need energy. And in order to gain energy you need more oxygen. The problem is just that our brain doesn't know when to stop, or the difference between fighting a lion and trying to fight your own emotions. And when realizing it can't fight the 'lion' back it responds in telling you you're dying. But of course, it's all in our heads and we are really not dying at all" I explain to her and suddenly gets aware of the long rant I just had.

"Wow, that's so interesting. And it really makes sense when you think about it. Where did you learn all this?"

"I don't know really, I like to read about our brains I guess haha" I say and laugh.

"That's literally so cool of you to know all that stuff! It's so sad that I have to go home to LA tomorrow. I really wish I could spend more time with you"

20 minutes later.

We are sitting on the couch finishing our breakfast when someone nocks on the door to Billie's hotel room. The door opens and Maggie walks in and looks shocked at first when she sees me but then she smiles.

Hi you two! I didn't know you were still here Tuva. I'm sorry if I'm interrupting you, I just need to tell you something Billie. It has sadly been a couple of changes in the schedule"

"Okay... What is it and what do I need to do and when do I need to be there?" Billie says and sighs.

"Take it easy dear, actually you don't have to do anything. The festival in LA you would be playing at tomorrow actually got cancelled due to bad weather at home. Your dad and I will be flying home today instead, we won't be able to fly tomorrow due to the weather. But Finneas said he wanted to stay here a couple of extra days and explore Stockholm. You can either fly home with us today or stay here with Finneas"

"Are you for real?! Like it got cancelled for real and now I suddenly have some free time?" Billie sounds shocked for real.

"Unfortunately I'm for real. Patrick and I need to go to the airport in 3 hours so you need to make a decision before then, okay?"

"Okay, yeah. Give me a couple of minutes and I will come back to you"

"Of course dear, just tell me when you've decided" Maggie says and shuts the door again.

"That's great! Then you have some free time to meet your friends back home and just chill!" I say to her, happy for her sake.

"Hahahah, are you kidding me?" Billie bursts out laughing.

"No..? Isn't it great that you get to have some free time to hang out with your friends back home?" I ask her confused.

"Oh my god, you're so cute and funny at the same time, I can't. I obviously want to stay here in Sweden longer so that we could hang out more silly!"

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