As Long As I'm Here // Billie Eilish

Heartbeats

2 days later

Billie and I are out on a walk with the dogs. I have noticed that something is a bit off between us. There's no hard feelings at all, something's just not quite right. We sit down on a bench in the park.

"How are you? Like, for real, how are you?" I ask her.

"I really don't know. It's a lot. How are you, for real?"

"I don't know either. I think it's a lot too. Like it feels like we just met but have known each other for a life time. And like, I have just escaped a really abusive relationship with my family and now I'm in a whole new country"

"I really get what you mean, it has been a lot, especially for you. I guess I just feel kinda overwhelmed? Or insecure or something like that? Like, I'm not insecure about you. Just about this whole situation kinda" she says a bit shyly.

"I think I feel the same way. I'm not one bit insecure about you, just about, everything you know? Haha"

"You do?"

"Yeah, I mean it's both wonderful and scary when you kinda fall for someone"

Billie goes quite and just looks out in the air.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm just, I don't know. I've never been able to talk about this kind of stuff or feelings in my previous relationships. Not that were in a relationship, yet, but you know what I mean" she says and blush.

"I totally get you. I'm really sad that you never got to experience a good and stable relationship Billie" I say and look at her.

"And I'm sad you never got to experience having a good and stable family" she looks back at me and answers.

I smile and peck her on the lips.

"I think we should try to think about ways to make us feel more confident and in control of the situation"

"Like, how?"

"Like I tell you what I need and feel and you tell me what you need and feel?"

"Oh okay, can you start?"

"Of course! I feel that I really really like you and I love being with you and spending time with you. And what I need is probably just to keep the communication going. I worry a lot about the future, like where I'm gonna live and all that stuff. I know your family have said that I can stay with you for as long as I want and I try to remember that but sometimes when I'm anxious my thoughts kinda spirals"

"Okay. I will definitely try to help you when you feel anxious, I totally get your feelings. But as you already know you can stay with us for as long as you want to. Is there like anything in specific that helps you when you feel anxious?"

"Hmm, I think the feeling of you being present and there for me and probably just cuddles? Now it's your turn to tell me what you feel and need"

"I feel the same way about you, i really like you and I love being around you. I think I feel a bit anxious about we keeping it secret, but I also feel the same way about telling anyone. I also feel anxious about myself, like a lot. About my Tourettes and... Other stuff"

"Thank you for telling me how you feel and your feelings are totally valid. But what's the other stuff and what do you need? You know I never judge you Billie"

"I know, it's just embarrassing... The other stuff meaning like the whole sleep situation with my um, accidents when I'm stressed or are having a nightmare. And when it comes to what I need I don't know really, a lot of physical touch and you making me feel safe I guess"