As Long As I'm Here // Billie Eilish

Breakdown

TW!
This chapter contains a mental breakdown, mentions of abuse and death.

I meet her gaze with tears silently running down my cheeks, terrified of what just happened.

She puts her hands out in a try to approach me and opens her mouth to speak. But before she reaches me I turn around and runs to my bedroom. As soon as I close the door behind me I just fall to the floor crying uncontrollably. My eyes hurts from crying so much and I can barely breathe due to my heavy sobbing. It hurts so much, physically hurts. Everything hurts. I am hurt, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm angry. I crawl up in to a fetal position on the floor, my whole body shaking from the pain I felt as I cried loudly. I just wanted Billie here, I wanted her to protect me and comfort me. But at the same time I didn't, I just wanted to be alone and lie here crying until I died.

There's a knock on the door and Billie's soft voice from the other side echoes through the walls.

"Baby, can I come in?" She asks me.

I want to answer her. I want to cry out 'yes I want you, I need you to be with me right now'. But I can't, nothing but loud sobs and cries comes out.

"Can I please come in?" She asks again, she probably hears my crying through the walls.

I need her, I need her, I need her! I need her here right now with me. She needs to comfort me and protect me. She needs to hold me. I need to be held!

"G-go a-away!" I finally manage to cry out.

"I want to comfort you though" she speaks again through the door.

"L-leave m-me a-alone!!" I sob.

She doesn't listen to me and opens the door seeing me curled up on the floor. Why is she even here? How the fuck did I end up here with her? I'm not worthy of this. I'm nobody, literally nobody. She shouldn't be waisting her time on me. A broken stupid Swedish girl crying uncontrollably on a floor. But I need her. I feel all my emotions building up inside me as I cry even louder.

"I wanna be alone!!! Leave me alone!!" I cried.

"I WANNA BE ALONE!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I AM NOBODY!! LEAVE ME!! LEAVE ME!!!!" I completely lost all control and screamed at the top of my lungs, and when I couldn't scream anymore I went back to crying.

I cried so loud, I didn't care anymore. I wanted everyone to hear but at the same time no one. I wanted Billie to leave me here to die and fly back to LA to live her happy life. But I wanted her to hug me.

I felt arms wrapping around me and lifting me off the floor on to the bed.

"L-leave m-me" I continued to sob over and over again as she placed us on the bed.

She held me tight in her arms. One arm wrapped around my lower back and the other hand over the back of my head. She rocked us both back and forth slowly.

"Shh, shh..." she tries to comfort me.

I just sob and cry uncontrollably like a baby in to her chest making her shirt all wet from my tears. Why do I even react like this? It's wrong. I shouldn't react like this. I'm the strong one, I'm the one who should help and comfort Billie. Not the other way around. I start to squirm around in her arms to get her to let go of me. Why am I like this? Failing everything I do. Why is she even still here? She shouldn't have to keep up with my nonsense, she would be so much happier living her life without me. But I need her.

"L-leave m-me" I sob again.

"I know that you're scared and hurt right now, and you have all the rights to be. I know that you are saying the things you do right now out of hurt and fear. I'm not leaving you alone and I'm definitely not leaving you either. You need to be held Tuva, you need to let yourself fall for once, I got you" Billie says with a soft voice.

When I hear those words I break, my heart breaks into a million pieces. I stop squirming around and just cry, letting her hold me.

"I-I'm s-scared" I sob in to Billie's chest.

"I know angel, I know. But I got you. There's nothing to be scared about anymore, I'm right here"

Billie continues to rock us both back and forth and starts to humm a quiet melody.

"As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you. Don't wanna lie here, but you can learn to. If I could change the way that you see yourself, you wouldn't wonder why you hear 'they don't deserve you'"

She continues singing it softly and I slowly start to calm down.

"I'm s-sorry I didn't mean the things I said" I say.

"Don't be sorry, I know you didn't. It was just a cry for help. I'm so proud of you"

I don't understand what she means, why would she be proud of me? I haven't done anything admirable or impressive. I've literally just cried and acted stupid.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because you did let yourself fall and you'd let me help you. I know how hard it is for you to do that and I'm so proud of you that you did"

I stay silent in her arms, I don't know what to say back.

"I don't know why I reacted the way I did, I just got so overwhelmed with emotions. Sorry I acted like a child, I just, I dont know. It's stupid"

"You needed to be held. And loved. And to feel safe. There's nothing stupid about that. God, I'm 22 and I still need my mom" Billie says.

"She, she never held me..."

"Exactly! That's what I mean! No wonder you react the way you do. As I said, I'm 22 and I still need my mom. And so are you, but you never even got to experience to have a loving mother. Not even when you were a kid. I can't even imagine that, it's horrible!" She says and let's go of the hug for a moment to look at me.

"But I'm here now. Of course I'm not the same as a mother but I will never stop loving you. I will always comfort and hug you when you feel sad and I will always be there for you, always"

I look at her as tears slowly runs down my face in silence.

"You make me feel safe in a way I have never experienced before" I finally say.

"I'm glad I do. You're so special to me I can't even explain. I feel so safe around you and I just want you to feel the same. I love you, okay?"

"I love you too, so much Billie. It's hard to even fathom how much I love you"

"I love you Tuva. And your mom will never get to you again, I can promise you that. I promise to keep you safe. Tomorrow we pack your things and then we fly back home to LA and you will never ever have to even think about her again. I think we should go to sleep now" Billie says and kisses my forehead.

"I just need to brush my teeth first" I tell Billie.

"Okay" she says and begins to carry me to the bathroom.

"It's okay, I can walk by myself" I say.

"I know. And I can carry you" Billie answers.

She puts me down in the bathroom and gives me my toothbrush with toothpaste on it. I take it and start brushing my teeth before going back to Billie in the bedroom. She stands beside the bed with my pyjama in her hands and motions for me to sit down. I do so and she starts to undress me before she's putting my pyjama on.

"Billie I love you, but I can do this myself. I'm an adult" I say.

"Yes I know. But now I'm doing it for you. Adults also needs help and to be cared for sometimes"

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